Another Saturday night, home alone....

17 posts / 0 new

#1 Dec 3 - 4PM

Crazy Train

Another Saturday night, home alone....

Is anyone else bothered by being alone on a Saturday night? For some reason, in my mind, it's a "date night" and people are out having fun.

I'm in a daily battle of staying NC, though he texts frequently thoughout the day. They get a little nastier each time because I'm not answering.

When I look back at how he had treated me, there was more that I didn't like about him, than I did like. I am doing fine without the constant put-downs, little snotty comments about ANYTHING that had to do with me, his never being able to make plans, not answering the phone (even though he carries 2 with him), taking his sweet ass time answering my texts, the never ending lies.....all those things, I do not miss for a second. I just hate being alone on the weekends.....

#2 Dec 4 - 9AM

Crazy Train

Thank you ALL for your

Thank you ALL for your comments! I truly love this group and how you pull together to help one another. I took myself out to dinner last night, then home to bed. Was it fun being along? Um, not really. Was the Narc blowing up my phone with texts? Yes. I spoke with the bartender who was all of 21, but she was mature beyond her years. She asked about me, so I gave her the 10 min version....and I couldn't believe how helpful her comments were to me. It was almost like I was meant to meet her last night, so I could learn from her. Has that ever happened to anyone? Whether you believe in God or fate, that sometimes things align for a special purpose?? CT

#3 Dec 4 - 10AM (Reply to #12)

empath

CT

Aww...you did good! :-) I go out to dinner alone sometimes too...have taught myself to be alone without being lonely...to the point where I have caught myself deciding not to call someone else to join me, and actually enjoying going by myself. I have become comfortable in my own company, and that really means something to me as i have never been single or alone or even on my own in any way before this year of my life. I went straight from my father's house to my marriage and have never allowed myself to be without a man...until this year. I have decided it is better to acknowledge to myself that it is better to be "alone" than to neurotically fill a void with just any man that happens into my life. And in accepting that truth, suddenly the void I was feeling disappeared. I enjoy my dinner for one...I treat myself to the nicest place (I go to the same place every time and get spoiled by the waitstaff now), eat my favorite things, enjoy them thoroughly and think good things about myself while I am enjoying my meal. I think about how good it feels to connect with all of my senses in enjoying the food, and I remind myself that I earned the money to treat myself to this. I have come to think of my dinner for one routine as my date night, and I take myself out and treat myself as I desire and deserve to be treated. :-) I still think I am a long way from being ready to date seriously again...I enjoy male company and love going "out" with men for a drink after work or a meal...however a "relationship" is out of the question, and I am practicing conscious celibacy (for more reasons than just to prove to myself that I won't die from not getting laid, lol). This one act of kindness and acceptance towards myself, my "date night" has helped me heal a lot of trauma. It is not easy to drag yourself to a restaurant alone the first few times, and then eventually you get over it and realize why it was bothering you. That is a good place to get to, and very healing. I think that someday when I am again officially in a relationship, I will still sneak away and have my dinner for one date night with myself, as a reminder that I am good company, deserve to be treated well, and can provide for myself. :-)

#4 Dec 4 - 10AM (Reply to #13)

Crazy Train

Empath, I applaud your

Empath, I applaud your ability to go out and feel comfortable being alone. I DO NOT. I feel like a loser, sitting alone, while guys stare at me like I must be some kind of freak or something. That's how I perceive it anyway. If pushed for an answer as to why, I usually make up a story that I was stood up. Then, they feel sorry for me and start up a conversation. Lol I am in a constant state of anxiety. I never feel at peace with myself. So obviously, I have a lot of work to do! Just don't know exactly where to start and my therapist is not helping. Any suggestions since you've gotten past the point I'm stuck in??

#5 Dec 4 - 1PM (Reply to #14)

empath

CT - dinner for one

I did have to drag myself out alone at first...it is not easy to do, not at all. As I mentioned...sitting with that feeling of discomfort will wake you up to why you are uncomfortable being "alone" in public, and then once you become aware of it, it dissolves. What I have noticed from this comment here, is that you are...forgive me for this...you are being overly self-conscious and concerned about what others think of you....getting over this is a major healing, and will release you from so much of the pain of the Ns "opinion" and definition of you...which you have been replaying in your head. Why do you feel compelled to tell yourself...and others...a "story" about why you are sitting alone? Ask yourself why you feel "less than", simply because you are spending an hour of your time alone in public doing something that we do every day. How many people go through drive through windows and eat alone in their cars or eat alone at their homes...what is it about sitting at a table dining graciously in public that is so painful and less preferable to chowing down a burger in your car or microwaving something at home? I have struggled so badly with trying to be at least half as kind and nurturing as I have been to others...and I have given myself permission to do special things...I will cook from scratch at home and make a production of it, and I will go out to dinner by myself and enjoy it thoroughly, because to not cook properly and to not eat properly is to deprive myself of these things I enjoy, and it is an unconscious way of saying that these things are only worth doing when there is someone else to do them with, or for. I do not need to wait for another person to come along in order to make these things worthwhile, or myself worthy! If you are really struggling with the idea and still feel the need to have a story...please please please...do not lie to yourself and do not cause imaginary pain and suffering to yourself by saying you were "stood up"...do you see how damaging that is? You don't come from a position of lack, and you have not been stood up. Please don't present yourself with that story, and please don't feel compelled to offer a story. You don't have to. There are plenty of reasons why someone might be dining alone that do not involve being stood up! You could be a widow, you could work right across the street from the restaurant and have to grab a quick bite before leaving on a vacation, you could be a business traveler in a foreign city...there are a bunch of "stories" that explain your dinner for one, and you don't need a story anyway. You don't need an excuse to do something kind and nice for yourself. I work with a lot of busy people who are also in the habit of dining alone on occasion so it didn't seem quite as odd to me at first, all I had to do was get past my own "embarrassment" in my own head. There are a few people here on this forum who are also on my Facebook page whom I hope would agree with me when I say I am not exactly hideous looking ;) and that helps with the self confidence too. If you are uncomfortable with the way you look, you become a lot more uncomfortable with that, if you think others are looking at you. Perhaps without even consciously doing so, I go to a place that is actually suited to dinner for one...I go to a Japanese restaurant and sit at the sushi bar rather than a table. You decide whether you want to be open and sociable, or keep to yourself. It is so easy to start conversations about food with the people sitting next to you and I often get approached about the unusual things I order or about the special treatment I get from Sushi-san, as he is making my meal. I behave the same way when dining alone, as I do when I am out to dinner with my kids, a friend, or on a date...I am open and friendly and I read other people before speaking to them or responding. The place I go to does not have a hibachi table, however that would be something I would not be shy about...it would place you at a table with other people.

#6 Dec 4 - 2PM (Reply to #15)

Done sourcing

Excellent post and to the

Excellent post and to the point. I don't have to wonder what others are thinking about me dining alone. The first couple of times it was uncomfortable, but what is kinda funny is I dined alone some when I was married and didn't have strange feelings at all. I noticed the same self-conscious feeling the first couple of times I went back to church. I noticed all the families, and felt uneasy. It goes away. Same thing about going to the movies alone. So I suggest going out to dinner immediately a couple of times to get it out of your system...in other words, get over it. Same thing with going to the movies. My favorite alone thing in public is going to the bookstore...lots of people and lots of books...usually some coffee also...I like going there alone...I stay as long as I want, and answer to nobody. The narc hated bookstores...in fact the narc hated books, didn't read at all. Is that a symptom, or a sign of a narc, I think I will start a post asking about that! What others think of me doesn't define me. In the narc relationship the dynamic gets shifted so that it is all about them and what they want...they are only concerned with what they are getting. We get stuck in that viscious loop with them, and it is a brutal passive aggressive game. It became impossible for me to have a good day around her unless it was all about her. Better to eat alone than walk around on edge and dreading their next remark or action. I've been out awhile now, and writing about the past makes me shake my head in wonder. It happened so slowly, inch by inch I lost my values, my core, my self-respect. I got torn down to almost nothing. I am back almost full strength to where I was in 1996 before I met her. I am grateful that the old me is still in here. I have processed so much, done so much therapy, journaling, crying, talking, and praying that I got it all out of me. A few more sags and wrinkles, but free and clear and out of emotional prison. ds

#7 Dec 4 - 4PM (Reply to #16)

empath

DS

That feeling of being torn down to nothing by the N provides the opportunity for you to rebuild yourself from scratch the way YOU want to be. It is a gift for us, if we are able to see it as so. :-)

#8 Dec 4 - 7AM

Kyra_blue

hi!

Hi CT :) This is my very first post, I've been reading here for a while, but decided to join last week. Have you blocked this guy from your phone? The thing is- by not blocking him, you 'challenge' yourself to stay strong, but HE is still there, still getting through, and it's still all about him. If you block him, you no longer have to deal with his nastiness and you begin to break the trauma bonds that exist with him still having a way in. However, protect yourself- if he's becoming increasingly threatening- please call the police- document times of texts, content etc- calls. You deserve protection. You deserve healing. I read your post on DV a couple of weeks back, and please please- don't think you are alone in this. Don't think you HAVE to be alone. And don't think that you are an awful, worthless person because you aren't. Fear of being alone is really the internal dialogue of self-hatred that has been programmed into us by these freaks. And possibly, by your family of origin. We mistake these messages that have been fused into us by abuse for who we really are. But it isn't. You aren't what you've been through. You aren't someone else's disgusting behaviour. You don't deserve punishment, you don't deserve to remain unloved. By others, and most importantly- by you. There's love available to you, if you can start to unpick the tapestry of lies that have made up how you feel about you. It's not easy work. It never is, but it's worth it for the life you deserve to have.

#9 Dec 4 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

Crazy Train

OMGosh, Kyra, THANK YOU so much for your reply.

You have touched on a lot of aspects of my life....and yes, family of origin does factor in, as I believe that my mother is a Narc as well. We do not enjoy the typical mother/daughter relationship because I choose not due to her behavior/attitude. Thank you for reminding me that I'm "not someone else's disgusting behavior". That sums it up in a nutshell. I know that I have issues regarding my self worth, etc and have to really get to work on to find out where it started and more importantly, how to end it. I'm a people-pleaser, so by nature, I want everyone to like me. The manipulation from a Narc, just fosters that need. Hence, the Crazy Train that I was and continue to be on now....albeit, alone. I'd love to keep in touch with you. Thank you again for your support :) Hugs, CT

#10 Dec 4 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

Kyra_blue

(((HUGS))) I absolutely

(((HUGS))) I absolutely understand, I also too was pretty much reared to be a people pleaser. I think, the ultimate thinking pattern behind it is ' Uh oh. Someone's angry at me. That means they don't love me anymore.' It comes from having a bucket load of conditions on 'good behaviour' that then is not rewarded by love- but by not having abuse hurled, at least having some semblance of quiet. Within the abusive environment, and also, within. What happens then is that the abuser is given all of the power over. What really helped me, was finding my voice. Yes, I was angry. Yes, all of a sudden, I wasn't afraid to have a voice. I never broke NC, and never will, but with those around me that have their own dysfunction, and have become accustomed to my own over-compensating, I started to voice what wasn't acceptable. I also read and read on abuse, on narcissism and psychopath, and then on self-discovery. I found my own validation. And as I started to find validation with a group of amazing, wonderful women who I call sisters- I found my own validation. I began to know what I wouldn't accept. It's wierd though- the hardest part wasn't setting boundaries with other people- it was setting boundaries with myself. It set up a lot of cognitive dissonance, but over time, with questioning, with slowly replacing those messages, it lessened. Now, even though there are days especially when I find I'm in pain, feeling emotional, or tired- that it does get to me, but other days I know within myself that it is okay to have someone be mad. Because you know what? The key important thing was realizing- nobody in this world will ever really care about me as much as they care about themselves. And that is perfectly okay and healthy. Opinions are important to other people because that is their own. Teachings and ways of doing things is important to other people because that is their own.But, most healthy folks accept those differences, however, some just will not. Narcs and psychopaths and other ASPD's don't because they split. And because FOO raises that way- this splitting is what we undo. We learn that we must accept and integrate our own differences, and we learn to voice it without getting anxious, and without backtracking. Another technique that really helps is just tuning out the incessant noise in the mind- by taking deep breaths from your solar plexus and listening, and totally focusing on your breathing. Lots of love to you today.

#11 Dec 3 - 6PM

Im_always_fine

You need a proactive plan for

You need a proactive plan for your own healing. I have one...the first thing I'm going to do is fast and detox. I've found a belly dancing class that I'm going to take...my femininity and sexuality needs healing...hopefully it will put me back in to my skin. I'm so disconnected and NUMB...except for malice and anger :( Once his crap is out of the house...I'm going to CLEAN...I mean SCRUB this house top to bottom...and pray out the darkness and pray in the light as I do. Especially the bedroom. I practice Feng Shui so it'll be sweet to restore balance. Put on some soul healing music (Jackie Wilson..Enya)and re-arrange the furniture. Use incense and infusers and aroma therapy to expedite my healing. That's just a start... I've spoken to a friend who happens to manage my bank. I'm going to sit down with her and figure out a plan for financial healing too. I'm broke and it's stressful. If I have to sell EVERYTHING except the bare essentials and downgrade on everything...then I will. Week-ends will be ALL ABOUT US!! :D Gonna turn my home back into the sanctuary it once was before he sucked life out of it. Throw open the doors and windows and let the air in! And BREATH! Gonna crawl into bed with my kids and spoon and talk with them. I've told my son that when the parasite moves out we are going to pop a small bottle of champagne and dance in the livingroom like we used to!! We'll just dance in the livingroom all the time again! Also gonna get my hair done so I look like me again. I need to look like me again. Ora et Labora is my mantra...pray and work....pray and work. I have a lot ground to recover. Girl you need a plan...

#12 Dec 3 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

Blythebloo

Love this!!!! You so made me

Love this!!!! You so made me smile!!!! You have a great attitude!!!

#13 Dec 3 - 5PM

uk lady

You know what CrazyTrain

At the end I felt more alone with the exP than I do by myself nowadays. At least I know what I am doing without the last minute drama that the ex always threw into situations. It is just a phase and you will come out the other side so don't dispair too much. Having said that, tv is absolutely rubbish tonight. Dee x

#14 Dec 3 - 5PM

Done sourcing

Once the mask falls off, you

Once the mask falls off, you are always alone with a narc. We have to live a lie to pretend that they are truly in our lives. They don't have our backs. They use us for supply. At least when you are really alone, you don't have to pretend that the abuse and frustration aren't happening, because they aren't. And that is a great beginning to a new life. ds

#15 Dec 3 - 4PM

Emma

The xN used to take his sweet

The xN used to take his sweet time replying to my texts, and most of the time not bother answering if I rang him. Yet, if the tables were turned, I got a mouthful! When I think back, there is little of him that I like. He's foul. There is absolutely no attraction there no nice qualities at all. He's as ugly on the outside as he is inside,

#16 Dec 3 - 4PM

Blythebloo

This is a stage and it will

This is a stage and it will pass. I felt that way at first but have learned to embrace it and consume my alone time with things I wouldn't have normally done if I was with the narc. Last night I got out of the house with a male friend and attended a high school basketball game where my 2 sons play in the pep band. I have reconnected with ppl who was not able to connect with while with the narc. I have cleaned. Reorganized. Gone to the gym. Furthered my hobbies. It takes time but you can do it. You're not really alone. You have yourself!!!! And you can count you!!!

#17 Dec 3 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

Crazy Train

Thank you, Blythe. But maybe

Thank you, Blythe. But maybe it's ME I don't want to be with! Lol I hope it's a stage because it's depressing.....

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