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And he's back...

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#1 Feb 28 - 5AM
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture

And he's back...

After not hearing from him for 4 weeks (except for the random show-up-at-my-work and give me a Valentine's gift and an email explaining that I wouldn't hear from for another 2 weeks because he was focused on the bar exam but would like to discuss where our marriage is headed because he now had new “tools” from his therapist), he’s back.

He’s back and he’s pretending that nothing ever happened. He came to see the baby & pick her up. (I should mention that he didn’t ask about her once in the month I didn’t hear from her). He walked in like nothing was going on, and laid down on my bed for 30 minutes. By himself. Just laying there with his eyes open. Very weird. I didn’t know what to do. I hate to rile him up when the baby is around so I just went and busied myself until he left. Weird.

He then sent me a text message the next day asking if he could come over and have dinner and after we got the baby to bed we could rent a movie. I filed for divorce in November and we haven’t spoken in a month. So I replied that he couldn’t come over and that he needed to accept that the relationship is over.

He then sent me a text message on Sunday asking if he could pick her up at noon. I told him that I was going to a shower but I’d meet him after with her (at starbucks – no coming over anymore to lounge around/pick her up). I dropped her off and actually felt embarrassed that I was married to him. I should mention that he looks like he’s lost a good deal of weight, now has an ugly beard, and was dressed horribly. I wanted to throw up – how did I ever find him attractive?

As much as I would like to be completely no-contact it’s almost impossible with a baby. So, I wrote him about a month ago saying that we would only speak through email/text message about the baby. But he doesn’t listen. I guess it’s the new “tools” that he got from his therapist. I just want him to go away.

Any advice on how to better handle?? I don’t feel like I am handling this well. I don’t know if I should be even more direct that it is over??

Feb 28 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Staring at the ceiling? Gee

Staring at the ceiling? Gee that's something new and different! Mine had that stare all the time! You are stuck with him no doubt, you have set the rules so stick to them! The control belongs to you, they are not capable of listening or making sense! Stand Strong idealk
Feb 28 - 7AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

t takes a very smart women to manage a stupid man.

I say this without reservation. If I had children with my Narc i would have done him in by now. Its bad enough being helpless to stop the effect he has on you but if its your child, how tough is that, I would have him eliminated. You have to put your child and your welfare above anything. As they say it takes a very smart women to manage a stupid man.
Feb 28 - 7AM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

"So, I wrote him about a

"So, I wrote him about a month ago saying that we would only speak through email/text message about the baby. But he doesn’t listen. I guess it’s the new “tools” that he got from his therapist. I just want him to go away." It doesn't really matter whether he listens or not. It also doesn't matter what "tools" he's gotten from his therapist. You've stated clearly how you are willing to communicate with him about the baby. The path to making him go away, is to stand firm on NC. You choose this for yourself. The narc doesn't get to vote. Narcs try to abuse any rules or restrictions placed on them. Sometimes they can be very "creative". They will ignore whatever you tell them you will/won't accept from them until you ENFORCE it onto them. You have to be very firm with your requirements. Email/text is how you've told him you will communicate about the baby (and only the baby). This does not mean he can feel free to lay on your bed, enter your house, or go to dinner with you. He can text/email you about the baby. Period. You may not be able to achieve total NC because of your baby, but YOU are in control of when/how/how much you communicate with your xn. He is not is charge of you any longer. You are now. I can totally feel for you about how frustrating it can be that these narcs just randomly can surface and pretend that nothing has ever happened. Xnh does this as well. I swear he can blink and he'll do a complete "reset". It's very crazy making. Xnh dumped me for OW late one night. Then he came into my office the very next morning to visit acting like we were all bestest buddies still. He just couldn't seem to figure out WHY I didn't want anything to do with him. Go figure (for a "normal" person). lol. Stand firm about as much of your NC as you possibly can. Don't allow him to weasel his way into making you accept anything less than what YOU choose. You can do this. You're worth so much more than being tormented by a narc. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Feb 28 - 7AM
justicejones
justicejones's picture

"Tools"

I love that...tools. What a joke! I used to hear that also. "Now I have all the tools I need in my toolbox to change and be the man/father I was meant to be!" Yeah, right. They go to a therapist just to tell you that they do, hoping you will think they are doing things to improve themselves. HA HA! They can never improve; maybe they can improve their manipulation and narc skills, and their so called tools they use as psychobabble against us! So you have a Narc who uses the child as means to weezle back into your life too? With enought NC, they will get the picture and will eventually move onto someone who is easier to manipulate and convince...leaving you and the child alone. They may make random appearances and "pop-ups" in our lives when one of their new sources dry up, and they may try to tap our wells again. We just have to stand our ground and not succumb to the temptation of their smooth words, or even threats. They don't care for us or our children. This is best that they aren't in our children's lives anyway. They are toxic poison to our impressionable children's minds.
Feb 28 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture

justicejones

Yes, the "tools" are a joke. I know that he is going to therapy to impress me with how much he is going to change... but I'm not that naive. He's told me many times that there is nothing wrong with him... he doesn't need to change or that when we were in marital therapy all he heard was what he had to change about himself and there is nothing (according to HIM) wrong with who he is. Of course, then in a week he may come and cry that he can't figure out what is wrong with him. Yuck... SO over it. I know that the baby is just a way to keep contact with me. His interest is not sincere which hurts me a little (because I think she's just great!) Frankly, I just hope he meets another woman (or man... because I've got those suspicions, too!) and LEAVES US ALONE!!!
Feb 28 - 7AM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Unbelievable!

Do you feel safe handing over your baby girl to an emaciated, scraggily, emotionally unstable man? It sounds like he's using "seeing her" to lay in your bed, to see YOU, and lounge around, like nothing ever transpired. If he's really this out of touch with reality, what steps might you take to get your daughter away from this guy? Is it possible?
Feb 28 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture

IncognitoBurrito

First, I love your name!! Second, no, I don't feel comfortable but I don't think I could take her away. (He CAN act normal when he wants or needs to. He just chooses not to and he's a lawyer by day so he actually LOOKS normal usually - except for the new ugly-ass beard!) Luckily, his visits this weekend are VERY VERY short. And he hadn't visited with her in a month before that (or even asked for her). I'm hoping that if I continue to be strong and ignore him he will lose interest. I PRAY!
Feb 28 - 7AM
titta22
titta22's picture

ABC0311

I know exactly what you are going through since i too have children with mine. They love to act as if nothing ever happened, which makes you feel crazy. It's like WTF!! They don't understand boundaries. I think you are doing a great job handling it. Just stay true to yourself. It is very difficult to deal with them. When i went to court last week for our divorce process he sent me two text messages while we were both sitting there waiting for our case to come up. The first message from him was: Family court? The second message was: Still sitting here. This is rediculous! The second message seemed weird to me. It almost seems like he meant it for his OW. It just doesn't make sense. Nothing the do or say makes sense. Really?! What the hell. I don't even speak to him other than text messages about the kids and even then that's still too much contact. Luckily for me i went to the court with my best friend and she adviced me to leave our phones in the car in case we couldn't bring them in.