Up and down

God the flashbacks are getting crazier and crazier. I remember stuff he did all the time. I've just been cutting the grass and I remember him getting cross about the lines not being straight on the grass when I once did it when he was here. I mean really cross , snatching the lawn mower off me and telling me I was stupid (normal day when he was here ).
I got so mad today and I really wish I could post photos here via my lawn has got the most wiggly lines up and down it and it is fine!!!
I love being single, doing what I want when I want etc..... But today I am mad that the man who sold himself as a stable, loving, caring, hard working man and then married me and turned into a complete lying, abusive nutter can just walk away, start a new life with a new woman, act like I'm the freak and move on. Where as I'm here mowing the lawn like a mad woman , remembering the abuse and having trouble getting on.
The weekend was great and I keep thinking I'm all sorted but then something pops into my head and I'm back down again!!
I never want to feel like i did in the early days but I feel like I'm slipping back there. I feel so alone . I know I have my gorgeous kids and brilliant friends but , like all of you I guess, when that front door shuts for the evening and the kids go to bed, I just feel lonely. I didn't sign up for this. All I did was love a man.

Hating him much more than usual this evening
Big hugs xxxx