ambient abuse

Thank you for that info. I read it and reread it and realized it was my relationship with the N. He never physically abused me and there were only a very few times he ranted & raved and lost control but it was the little every day comments and belittlements that left me bewildered. Never enough to say to anything about but enough to know what he was saying and doing wasn't right. Instead of following my instincts I let it go. Thinking was it worth causing a fight. It's uncomprehendable to think this is how they're minds work. WOW!!!!!

for this excellent information. I wished I'd had it years ago instead of having to work it out. And thank you for your kind words on the other covert N posting. I agree with "to the abuser losing control means going insane." My ex had his worst breakdown, when he'd lost control over his money, work and about everything else. What puzzles me though is, why he clung to me for 11 years while quite aware he had no control whatsoever about me (except possibly a sensual hold). Was the fear of abandonement greater than the need to control? Was it the challenge of not being able to "have" one woman he wanted? Well, I guess it would take another Freud to figure that one out.

Betty that is so eye opening. It's so great when you get the clarification when you yourself can't put your finger on it. Playedwithfire

Thanks for the article Betty... there's more of a focus on overt abusive behavior in general because it's easier to recognize... but a reminder that covert abuse is real. My ex-narc was EXTREMELY passive aggressive. So so so many times I remember thinking "Did he do that on purpose?" Things didn't add up and I felt like I was going crazy. He didn't yell and he didn't hit... so was there really an issue here? Was I being difficult? Here's an article that has helped me and I definitely suggest reading "Living with a Passive Aggressive Man" if you were dealing with more covert behavior. http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm