Am I the only one who DOESN'T want this?

Hi M77, I remember being where you are - and it was a while before my therapist used the N word and I started really putting the pieces together. I was in that space, too - still hoping that a return to the honeymoon period was possible, still hoping that he would want me back. I was with mine a year and things started to hit the fan at the six month mark. Three months of confusion and pain next then three months of my really, really feeling like I had lost my mind. Then D&D and that was that. The pain is excruciating and the worst of it is that these turkeys have us believing that the one person who has caused the excruciating pain is the one person who can take that pain away again. Nuts, huh? For me, the sheer giant drop of being abandoned (for a woman I was "crazy" to think his relationship with was not appropriate while we were together) was so incredubly brutally sore that all I wanted was for him to see the light and come back. He didn't and I am so, so grateful that he didn't. D&D kind of causes us to focus on the rejection and it feeds into the "we're not good enough" messages that we've been drip fed by the narc for months, sometimes years. It makes us take our eye off the ball and is a -great- way to distract us from all the crap that we out up with in the leadup to the ending. If you can, write a timeline of the relationship. From the honeymoon period, to the first time that you felt off, to every time he raged, out you down, did something that was disrespectful or made you feel anything less than a valuable, precious, worthy human being. A weekend of being distant, silent and passive aggressive might not be as dramatic as being thrown across a room - but it's still abuse and it adds up and wears on the soul. The healthy you that was doing fine before you met this guy would not have out up with the stuff that you put up with towards the end. And if you can stay away, you'll get back to being an a healthy place, I promise. I am finally beginning to turn a corner now and I really couldn't go back to living on a knife edge again, catering to the whims and moods of a monster who never, ever had my best interests at heart. Seven months ago if you'd told me I could have him back I would have been thrilled. Keep reading. Keep writing. He has done you the BIGGEST favor by disappearing. My family told me this when it ended - they didn't like watching me shrivel into a shell of myself either. Other people can see what we can't when it comes to the N. Keeping the phone off is a great idea. Get a new one - get a new number if you can. And try to ride this period out - it passes and life on the other side is better than being with a Narc could ever be. C x

You're post almost made me cry. Last summer when my N up and left me my world fell apart my best friend almost put me in the hospital I was so bad. But he came back like they all do. But please trust me and the people here it will not get better after they de value you it only gets worse. It took me almost a month to stop trying to call to beg and plead but it will pass I promise. I was stupid and went back and learned that pretty picture he painted was long gone. It may seem horrible now but if you go back the cycle will just get worse the pain worse save yourself please

I can relate to the idea of wishing mine would change or be different, and would have loved for him to 'see the light' and for us to be happy. I thought he was "IT". I worked hard to save my "troubled" relationship, but I didn't know I was working against the impossible, immovable force of an N until after it ended. It's not that we didn't WANT things to work out, it's that it's impossible for them to. It's a completely one-sided deal. If you know what you have, and you are choosing to continue engaging, it'll just be an acceptance of the HUGE limitations, barriers, pain, etc.. that you'll have to deal with, and it's totally up to you if that's the path you choose. This isn't or wasn't easy for ANY of us to leave or stay away! I personally feel that life is to short to be someone's slave and whipping post, and I'd rather be alone the rest of my life, if that's what it comes down to.

Unfortunately - this may not be the list for you. Everyone here is out & recovering or getting out. This board does not encourage staying with the Narc. It is too damaging and serious business. You will need help to get out and stay out. Permanently. READ: http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/03/how-pathological-is-too-pathological.html If you aren't in therapy, I suggest you get in immediately because no healthy person would want to stay with someone as evil and soul-less as a Narcissist. Pathologicals like Narcissist get worse, not better over time and there is no cure. I suggest you try one of these boards if you aren't getting what you want here: http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/dr-sam-vaknin-s-forums-f57.html http://forums.our-place-online.net/index.php If you continue insisting on staying with this creature, I will have to remove you from these boards to protect the members trying so hard to heal from them. Staying is magical thinking and it's toxic as all get out. Moderator ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

1) Your family hates him. Do you suppose this will ever change? That is a major pain in the ass in the long run, if they HATE HIM. If that won't be changing, that will not be fun at holiday gatherings for years down the road. Why do they hate him? Do they see the bad stuff that you are choosing to overlook? Or are they just mad he's not what they wanted for you (not a doctor, not a lawyer, not same religion as you, too old for you, etc etc). Are their reasons for hating him somewhat valid, or is your family just a bunch of haters? I'll bet they hate him because he's treated you like dog sh*t on more than one occasion. That is not a normal man, by the way, to treat you like dog sh*t, on ANY occasion. 2) You said he is a Narc, but not extreme. You know, it could get worse over time, it usually does, especially after the last flames of the honeymoon period really fizzle out. 3) I love the idea of you keeping your phone off and not hearing all the funky messages, whatever they may be (or there may be none). Give it a week or two and see how you feel once the smoke clears. No contact helps alot with gaining clarity on everything. 4) Let's pretend he is not a Narcissist for a second, just for fun. Let's pretend he's a normal guy. If Mr. Normal doesnt want to be with you, why would you want him anymore? Chasing him and begging for him back will just make you look like a pitiful idiot. Trust me, I have been on my knees begging (and doing other things) to get a man back that I should have never tried to get back. Even if he were normal, dont chase him. It makes men want you EVEN LESS THAN BEFORE. It ruins their chance to chase you. And they hate that. It's a mother nature thing. So if he WERE normal, for future reference, if he leaves, LET HIM LEAVE. Dont beg for him back. Ignore him. They come back if they want you and then ball is in your court on whether or not you take him back. We are just talking about normal guys here, by the way, on this little piece of advice. But a Narcissist is best let go. Don't waste 14 years of precious life like I did on one, not worth it, no way no how.

Hi. Sorry you are having a bad time. I don't know your whole situation, but I know with my experience, if they do come back....they leave you again and again and again. You will constantly be on edge with this person wondering when will be the next time he will abandon you. It won't matter what you do/don't do. It's no way to live. I know you think he loves you, but if he did, he would not have left. He would not have hurt you. I hope you don't contact him and feed his ego. All that will accomplish is making him feel so important, and possibly lower your self esteem. It sucks, i know. I hope you can keep reading/writing here and stay strong. As the time goes on between No Contact....you start to see things alot clearer and probably will realize you don't really want this guy anyways. Good luck:)

My mind goes through your same thoughts every 10 minutes. I'm 6 months pregnant (almost 7) and haven't had any sort of resolve on the relationship with my "N" in a month. He doesn't seem to care but I strongly believe he is waiting for me to grovel back. I cry, try not to, get anxious and feel so alone.

he truely loved you he would NOT have left.If it were truely as good as you say-WHY did he leave?(a NORMAL guy would NOT have!)....you may not want to hear this,but,he may or may not ever come back.Some do,some do not.YOU need to get yourself some therapy to help you heal whether or not he does or doesnt.

m77, Having read so many others stories and how these “breakup” goes. I see many sides to these stories, some good but some bad.. Ask for anyone telling you too stay and/or continue the relationship, these are decisions only you have the right to make. Now or later. As for and/or if your ex is an N, again no one here can do that. We aren’t trained psychological professionals so we can only look for the many red flags display by pathological cognitive behavior. It’s these behaviors that color them throughout their life. That’s why a complete understanding of their history is of great important to us... I suggest to you at this point is to review the many stories told by these wonderful members who want to share with us here at “It’s All About Him”. Then see if there are simulations between what’s happening to you and those many other members here. In ending m77, in true I haven’t read nor been told by many others member in or other forums how they wanted them to go.. Most just couldn’t stand the dysfunctional life with their ex’s. Most just couldn’t take anymore emotional and psychological pain so opt out but still loved what they fell in love with. Guess that’s what is most painful? Loving and being in love with someone that really never exist and it’s that person we missed and wish would and could still be with us. Researching and learning about them is good but learning and understanding us is what is most important. Good luck! http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/

If you like ,please read my story...Hughs

Well that is what happenned with me too...after 2 yars of a long distance relationship and many meetings when i went to be with him in the USA he told me 10 hours after i arrived that things wouldnt work out...it has been ayear and 3 months and he didn't came back,he won't even call me,e mail me or answer his phone...Totally NC,only a couple of times 2 emails telling me that he was talking to some woman on Skype that was good people like me,and another ocasion to let me know that he was tinking about how it should be to have sex with a men...and later he said it was a joke,but that he was on group sex!Believe me ,you don,t want to go trough those mind games,i wouldn"t say move on is not that easy but i would say be realistic,read the forums,comments give it time but really N.C.is the best when you started it yourself don't do like i did ,he went N.c. on me is much much harfer because you will blame yourself even knowing is not you is him...very strange and sick indeed..."we are not to blame,they are sick...