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Am I doing the right thing?

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#1 Oct 25 - 6AM
ekat
ekat's picture

Am I doing the right thing?

I have posted my story in the appropriate section, so all details are there. We have been NC since Saturday. I'm going crazy with hurt and pain. He told me never to contact him again. Immediately after our last conversation Saturday night I emailed him one sentence and sent a text. There was no response from him. I began to grieve, as so many times before. Just spent the week-end vegging and watching TV series. Last night, he tried to call me and he texted me. I did not pick up, I did not answer, but it's killing me. I'm really not sure I'm doing the right thing. I'm feeling weak, I'm scared to leave properly and regret it later, but I know I do not want to get back onto that emotional roller coaster. Please help me..

Oct 25 - 11AM
dulcinea441
dulcinea441's picture

I swear to God, I wish after

I swear to God, I wish after the last D&D that I'd just gone completely silent, that I hadn't sent him letters and texts to which he, of course, didn't respond. Nothing makes them seethe more furiously than to be ignored when they're expecting you to crawl on your knees for them. Anyway, I know that vengeance-by-silence is the last thing on your mind right now, but just pull back, stay quiet, and see what he does -- he'll probably make some pathetic play for you which you should totally ignore. His weakness and lameness will become more and more apparent as time goes by.
Oct 25 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

:( you are doing the right

:( you are doing the right thing.. Look at the game he's playing? Don't contact me.. Silence... Then the tease... You don't understand this now.. But ignoring him wins the game.. They are master mind Manipulators .. You will not have closure.. Ugh!, Gain your self respect and do not take this.. Fight.. The fist days are very difficult.. Welcome to you new home and life line... Hunter
Oct 25 - 8AM
Used
Used's picture

ekat

its not you, it was never you.... it was always all about him, and this crap they give us about its us is projection at its finest... it was never you...you want it to be you, so that you think i will change, there is nothing to change in you, he is the one who needs to change ...HE NEVER WILL...especially when they can convince women and we question ourselves its us, they will continue doing and saying all the same things, its like having a winning formula for them...why would they change it? welcome here where you will learn all about him...in everyones story, b/c they are all alike, same lines, same script ,same actions...
Oct 25 - 7AM
Puzzle
Puzzle's picture

Ekat sweetheart we all went

Ekat sweetheart we all went through denial. Sometimes it is harder to face the truth and cross over that bridge of the unknown. It seems so much easier going back to the comfort of having them in our lives....but it comes at a huge cost! It means you loose you. Prove to yourself how much you love yourself by keeping no contact. When the urge comes call or text a friend or come on here. Distract your mind to pass the intital difficult sages. You can do this. Think about it as a goal, your life depends on it and so does your future. When will we say enough is enough and actually love ourselves more than we love this fake person. You are real, he is not. Ask yourself when feeling tempted...how much do I love myself, I know that what I need is more important than what I want. Imagine your life in 5 years from now, even a year without the Narc, what do you want to do, who do you want to be? Now imagine yourself with the narc in your life 5 years on. Where are you? Alone? depleted of any self-esteem? Lost, confused, hurt. Either way you will be alone with the narc in your life or without. One is temporary the other is not. Just like you I used to think it was me, maybe I had the problem? Well guess what 6 months alone without him, I don't feel needy, I don't feel like I have issues with trust, I don't feel useless, I don't feel like I must have something wrong with me. I read every self help book thinking it was me...all kinds of crazy making behaviour are projections. I no longer get as mad, feel like I am depressed, anxious, loosing my shit, because this person made me believe all sorts of nasty things about myself...and none of them were true. What you are talking about is projection, and even if he wasn't a narc, why would you want to be with someone who constantly points out your problems and flaws instead of committing to working on the relationship together. I went no contact after 5 years, I am 6 months out and no contact entirely for 3 months as we no longer work together. You can do it, you can do anything. You just have to love yourself enough!
Oct 25 - 7AM
Used
Used's picture

ekat

i cannot find your story?
Oct 25 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
ekat
ekat's picture

It's on "share your story"

It's on "share your story" and I called it "Ekat's story". I posted it about 5 and a half hours ago.
Oct 25 - 6AM
Sea
Sea's picture

Sending you a big HUG

You have done the first step to NC. The next few days, weeks, very normal to have rollercoaster emotions ranging from missing him, to questioning yourself, to having cognitive dissonance, to anger, to wanting to contact him. You need to hang on to the NC like dear life. If he hoovers you, additional challenge. The narcky i deal with dont hoover. You are doing well first step done! Be strong, come here and talk about your emotions, many kind souls here to support you on the way. I am almost 3 months out, and I make it so far cos of the kind Mods and other posters here. Be Strong! Sumiko
Oct 25 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
ekat
ekat's picture

But what if it is me the problem

Dear Sumiko, Thank you so much for your very kind response. Deep down inside, in a forgotten place in my heart, I know I am doing the right thing. But I cannot help but wonder. Say I am wrong as he has so often said, say it is me who has the problem and twisted everything he did to make it seem like he was the bad guy? Say he isn't a narc? Say I do have issues with men, as he has also told me? Say I am the problem? I am so confused and do not know what is real or not anymore. I just have no strength left. Ekat
Oct 26 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
a65703
a65703's picture

Ekat,

It's OK to think that you are at fault, NOBODY is perfect! Even if he is not such a bad guy, you should have some self-worth in yourself, and just begin or continue the process of breaking away so you, in turn, will realize WHAT EXACTLY TRANSPIRED. Narcissists are cunning! They shift they blame WITHOUT even knowing, it's like a self-defense mechanism. It's OK to feel how you are feeling, I still feel the same way. The thing is, you have to realize that in this types of relationships with Narcissists, THINGS NEVER CHANGE. You will continue to get hurt, have self-doubt (I mean, inquisitive, soul searching self-doubt so paralyzing... it DOESN'T even hurt, because I had that), and just be LOST in this empty WORLD that Narcissists live in. Stay close to this board!!
Oct 25 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
indenial
indenial's picture

we have all asked these exact same questions

YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. If you were you wouldn't be here broken hearted and searching for answers. The reason you think you are the problem is because he has made you think you are with gas lighting, projection , brainwashing and blame. That's why it is so hard to get away because they have conditioned us to think and feel that way. I said those exact words " I don't know what's real and what isn't". Me a fun bubbly upbeat and outgoing strong woman who became a broken fragile souless being who questioned her own reality because of him. He convinced me I was a narc and I believed him ! Its been 2 weeks nc now apart from a few days of his pathetic hoovering attempts which I didn't cave to and I can tell you I am getting stronger braver and happier by the second. Its not a smooth road and I have at times felt weak but I've turned to this forum instead of him and with every weak moment or hoover attempt that I've overcome I feel a little stronger still and relieved that I haven't wavered. I haven't read your story but I will. You can do this. You have the strength. We all do. I just want to send you a big hug. We are all here for you. You couldn't be in safer hands xxx
Oct 25 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
Sea
Sea's picture

Be kind to yourself

I doubt myself as well at the start. This is because we are still in narc fog. After a few weeks of nc the narc fog clears u would see that u are not the abuser, man hater, whatever he calls u. He is not u. Its hard to see it now as he brainwashes u for a while. Have patience and faith that nc will help u get outa the fog to recovery. Meanwhile, be gentle to yourself.