Almost 2 months NC

My brother and his fiancé had a NYE party which I decided not go because I had a niggling feeling that he might show up. In which of course he did, and uninvited. Thank goodness I did not go… however, it did send me spinning. Tonight my brother and his band are playing at a bar, in which I would love to gooo and support but, once again I have this feeling he might show up. Minding you my brother and he are not close friends, more like acquaintances with mutual friends. So I am taking an active step of not going. I am posting this because I am angry as hell. I have to resort to avoiding him at all cost to the point of not hanging with my bro, something as simple as that. I hate this. I hate the fact he is spineless enough to show up at my brother’s house on NYE knowing there was a strong chance I could have been there.

After everything for the past 2 years of being involved with someone with some sort of undiagnosed personality disorder/alcoholic and god only knows what, I now have the knowledge to realize he truly doesn’t care. He keeps popping up because he is low on supply, and always will be. I now realize I have to fully engage in TRUE NO CONTACT. I have blocked all our mutual friends on fakebook (surprisingly about 20 freakin’ people, how sad) so I would stop snooping, and trying to find out any information whatsoever. I even deactivated it as a new year’s resolution, so if I were to reactivate it those people will still be blocked. I have only been in contact with 2 mutual friends in the past 2 months, which I am now realizing even that is a trigger. So I am going to limit my contact with them for awhile until my head gets clear.

I start student teaching in a week in which, I am extremely anxious, scared, and all of the above about. I notice when I am stressed, and have anxiety I think about him more. I am trying to retrain my brain in that matter. I was numb for awhile, but I am starting to feel the pain. And I am letting it out. The anger is here. I know this is part of the process. I am going to be honest right now, I feel weak. I want to call him, yell at him, and tell him to stay the EFF away, but I know this is futile. I will remain NC even if that means being in bed all day, crying, watching weird movies, and periodically smoking a cigarette. I have been in worst states of mind, and I will get through this. I have a long road ahead of me, and I have been through some bad heartbreaks before but, it’s like everyone says… this is much, much, much different.

I have been on here for awhile, and I slipped. This second time around of NC, is permanent. He cannot exist in my life because all he ever did was bring me down, and I allowed it. Which I think is the hardest part of all to accept. I am finally trying to think of myself for once in my life which I apparently avoided up until now. I am facing my past, my childhood, my traumas, and I am finally taking steps to heal. I think something I have realized out of all this right now, is that I am lonely. All my life, I have never had a hard time being by myself for hours, or days at a time. I guess what I am finally acknowledging and realizing is that, I dooo want to be with someone who is honest, respectful, loving, caring and human. I am 29, and I am finally admitting that I do want to settle down, and have a family, and that I deserve true happiness... that first has to start within myself.

Thank for listening peeps!!! Love ya… and sorry for the long post.