Narc Hoovering is The Absolute Worst.

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#1 August 20, 2017 - 5:53pm

Narc Hoovering is The Absolute Worst.

This is my second attempt at NC. Blocked him on Facebook (business and personal), blocked him on my phone, so a month later he finds and adds me on Instagram, then he creates a new Facebook account to message me and friend me on. He messaged me "Why the blocking?" and I thought "Indeed, why do I bother?!?! He will just slither in the back window while I am locking the front door..." Wtf...will this ever end?! This is so damned hard. I can't remember ever feeling so strongly for a man, why is it that the only one I want ends up being completely toxic and broken?!

It's doubly screwed up because he is chasing me, trying to cheat on his wife with me. He has been messaging me for over a year trying to worm his way in and I will NOT be a party to infidelity, which probably makes me even more irresistible for him - forbidden candy! So now he has his new Facebook account for his double life and in a moment of weakness I looked at it. Just some background for you -on the surface he's your typical white, middle aged guy in a corporate job and one of his posts is so pathological talking about his joyless, lifeless "default life" (meaning his conventional, married life with his kids and the woman he VOWED to love and protect for the rest of his life) and his "real life" , which is really a fake construct that he indulges in - a bohemian dreamland where he can be "artsy", free, and promiscuous. He is compartmentalizing his "respectable" life and his dirtbag life. It's really sick! From his posts I can see he is up to the same old shit of flattering random women, trying to get them to sleep with him. Now it is just easier because he can do it away from the prying eyes of his wife, family, and work contacts! I want to respond to this woman's comment on his page where she giggles over his flattery of her: "Omg, girl! Is he sexting you, too?!?! Tells you you're beautiful? That he loves you? That he is going to leave his wife, he just needs to get his financials in order first so the kids will be ok? Do you think his wife knows that he sends this shit to random women on the internet?!?! Girl, message me! Let's compare notes! lol!"

That would be *very* satisfying but I suppose it would break NC..... *sigh*
When will this bs end?! I feel like I will be dodging him for the rest of my life...

August 22, 2017 - 12:08pm

Hi, FreeRiRi...so sorry this

Hi, FreeRiRi...so sorry this is happening to you. There's almost nothing worse than the married narc who's full of excuses for reasons he can't leave his marriage but justifies stepping out of its boundaries.

He will stop harassing you when you make it clear that you call the shots in your life, not him. When he creates a fake account to message you and block after block isn't enough, it's time to lay it out in black and white and tell him directly that he is not to contact you again and if he does you will notify law enforcement (or his wife, which might be worse for him). This may sound drastic, but sometimes drastic measures are required.

You say you have strong feelings for him. I get that, too. But have you dissected those feelings? Is it a chemistry thing, a physical attraction only? What do you find so irresistible about him? When you answer those questions, you have to remember to tell yourself the TRUTH about him. What is desirable about a man who is a cheater and a liar? What is desirable about a man who thinks so little of you that you'd share him with his wife; that you don't deserve a 100 percent whole, committed, giving, mutually respectful, NOT SECRET relationship with an available, single man? This may sound harsh, but it is vitally important for you to remember the FACTS, not your emotions. The FACTS don't change, your emotions will. Don't tell yourself the wrong story about this guy. He could be a greek god to look at and could charm the legs off an iron pot, but in the end he is a married man who is disrespecting his wife and YOU by the pursuit.

Is there any way you can make a pact with yourself to stop looking at his social media? Maybe set a small goal, like you won't look for 12 hours and if you still want to when the 12 hours is up, you can...what happened with me is when I set a small goal and then had to evaluate it at the end of the time period, I was reluctant to break my forward momentum by backsliding...12 hours became 24, and so on. Connecting with anyone else this predator is pursuing wouldn't be helpful, it would just keep you in his twisted world and consume your precious energy and time.

Life is short, dear FreeRiRi...too short to spend time and energy twisted up in knots over someone who is clearly a liar and a cheater. Work on trying to detatch from it all...bit by bit sweep out the debris of his chaos and manipulation attempts and you'll make room for the kind of relationship you deserve and desire to enter your life.

It's a process that requires strength and commitment. Value yourself FIRST, and all else follows.

spinning

August 22, 2017 - 4:58pm (Reply to #2)

Thanks for your support,

Thanks for your support, Spinning. This is the toughest thing I have had to do in a long time.
I wasn't sure whether it was wise to even respond to him to tell him to stop contacting me. He's super manipulative and would probably try to use that as an opening to slither back in. This is a guy who once argued his way out of a speeding ticket in front of a judge. Very clever, very charming.

Yes, I think it is the chemistry between us that is hard to resist. I mean logically, I can look at the facts and genuinely know he is awful. But when I speak to him or get in a room with him, the chemistry comes crashing back - hence my "no contact". I think I am going to write down all the awful things about him and all the shitty things he has done and maybe that will help me stay on course. I think he made that post about the other woman publicly visible for triangulation purposes. I have not added his second account and I've been good about not looking at his public posts except for that one time, but damn! It is so infuriating to know how much BS he is getting away with. I wish I didn't care. You're right I need to keep working on detaching. Thanks for reinforcing that for me. Wish me luck!

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