Aging is a Special Horror for the Narc

Ok – so Freeing Yourself From the Narc in Your Life is about to come due at the library – so I’m going to post a bunch of threads about topics that hit home with me as I was reading the book.

This one is called Hidden Despair – of particular interest is what happens to them when they age.

“Behind a mask of bravado, the narcissist suffers from deep despair. Unconsciously, he knows that he is a fraud. He has played roles all his life in exchange for love. He deludes himself and others into believing that these performances are real. From childhood, he mastered the parts that most pleased his audience and ensured endless applause.” (Morty – this would explain why my ex-narc used to constantly talk about ‘acting’ and ‘putting on a performance’).

“For purposes of survival, the child cast away his real feelings – sadness, fear, loss, longing, tenderness – any sign of weaknesses that didn’t fit the narrow role dictated by his parents. But there are consequences to leading a false life. When life is performed rather than lived, it is hollow inside. The emotional residue of acting at life rather than living it is despair. “

“Aging for the narcissist is a special horror. As middle age winds down into old age, the meticulously erected illusions crumble. Physical attractiveness diminishes. Sexual vigor and potency decrease, fueling feelings of helplessness. (Morty – interesting here…. My ex-narc was 36 when we were together and because he puts so much shit in his body, legal or otherwise; he was already experiencing ED about 50% of the time. As you all know, he dumped me because I couldn’t be two things at the same time – infertile when he wanted me to be but fertile when and if he ever did want me to be … the ironic thing here is he was assuming he is fertile. Two packs a day, 20 cups a coffee a day and several joints every night …. I’ll bet he shoots blanks. No wonder he’s in despair). It is during these crises that narcissists often turn to much younger partners as lovers. In some instances, men start new families with young wives to reconstitute a sense of lost potency and desirability. These are measures that appear to work. They are actually signs of desperation and disintegration. “

“A life of illusion, selfishness and callousness catches up with the narcissist. He has incurred countless enemies. He has injured so many. Like candy wrappers strewn along a long road, he has used people up over the years. Everyone crossing his path was disposable. Victims on his treacheries, malignant lies and broken promises continue to suffer."

“Ultimately the narcissist is burdened with a cold undeveloped heart that cannot be warmed or penetrated. “