Again

I am at it again. I don't trust myself to keep NC. I almost emailed him just now. Because he is blocked from emailing me, I dont know if he replied when I broke contact last week with an email.
I came on forum instead. I didn't contact him.

I know it's normal to have good and bad days. I am having more good days then bad since last week. I have more thoughts of real N vs the fake N. I don't fantasize of fake N and what could have been as much.

I know I getting stronger. I didn't email him because I am sure he has OW, and what if she finds out I emailing him? I remember the feeling I had when I knew he was texting with OW. I don't want to cross that line anymore. Not fair to OW. It's not like he is in my life anymore.

I reading older posts and they are helping too. I found a post from April 2011, and it really hit home for me. I read it few times because it helped me so much. Ironically the date posted was the day I met him in 2011.

And here it is almost 2013 and I still think of freak boy. Thoughts of him will not ruin my holidays this year.

I wish one day, years from now, my and exN's paths cross again, maybe at another hospital or nursing home we may work at together again. I wish he is fatter, bald, unhappy, still a housekeeping supervisor because he was unable to be promoted, has crappy car, has STD (sorry), has more child support to pay, is poor, living in small apartment , his kids ignoring him, he being envious of me and me totally ignoring him. I really hate him. I hate him so much. He is epitome of evil. He knows it, he calls himself dark skull on his texts.

I recall during first D & D, after I found him lying and cheating, when I confronted him he said to me ( because I white lied something minor) that " see? You are no better then me. You say I lie, but you do too". I wasn't on forum then. But I felt then and I know now he wanted me to become the POS he felt HE was.