Advise please. I am stuck in neutral

13 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 21 - 11AM

Anonymous (not verified)

Advise please. I am stuck in neutral

Ok, 31 days NC. I am so glad i have not responded to his dripping apologies. NC has given me clarity. However, I fell stuck. I am going out and socializing every day and several nights a week. I am working out an hour a day. I quit smoking the day i quit the N. Killed 2 toxins with one stone. And while this forum has helped me tremendously, I sometimes fell addicted to IT. Crazy I know. I have read every article on N & P, read many books, seen lots of Sam Vaknin videos,constantly searching for new resources to help me. But I still feel stuck. I can't even describe it.

At first it was all about him and understanding this disorder. Now my focus has turned inward and I'm discovering some issues with my past and my need to have approval. I don't want to be grateful for the IDD, but it has really awakened something in me. I have a definite pattern of improper boundaries & not saying how I truly feel for fear of what...hurting someones feelings? having someone not like me? I am an educated successful attractive woman who at 53 has never "gotten" a relationship right.

I guess I am exhausted physically, emotionally & mentally. This is soooo much hard work. I know some of you are much further along than me and I am wondering when I will be able to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor?

#2 Feb 21 - 12PM

TNR1

Wow...I so relate to your

Wow...I so relate to your post. I've never been married, but I've picked the wrong guys over and over and over again. I too took a bit of a sabatical after one rather horrible breakup thinking I was doing all this work on myself in order to find a better relationship and BAM...in walks Mr. N and we all know how those one sided relationships end. I am right there with you in the "stuck" land. I miss being able to focus on someone other than myself...my therapy appointments for almost three years consisted of "I don't understand why Mr. N is doing this" and "How can I make Mr. N happy". It wasn't really working on me at all (I think I need to send him a rather large therapy bill for all my efforts). Now that there is no more Mr. N..I find all sorts of old wounds and insecurities still exist in me. Fortuantely, I have the most amazing friends who are extremely good listeners and they are really helping me to get through all of this with compassion. I do think we oftentimes find ourselves staring at the mirror a bit too long wondering what we need to do in order to change us..when part of coming out of an N relationship is giving ourselves pletnty of time and plenty of grace so that healing can completely soak in. We need to find things with love and enjoy that do not require having a partner...we need to embrace those things about ourselves that make us who we are (including all those rough edges we still need to work on). I agree that 18 months is probably what it will take for me...although I don't like it...not one bit. But I need to spend enough time really focusing on me and doing the work so that I don't become victim to yet another Narc. BTW..I think you are doing just fantastic!!! :)

#3 Feb 21 - 12PM

Maggster

I feel exactly like you do

I feel exactly like you do but, at least, since the fog has lifted, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel much more clearly now. I find myself most vulnerable at night and have even caught myself feeling sorry for myself. I can't believe I wasted 15 years of my life with a psychopath and wonder if I ever will be a good judge of ones character again. I recently though, have been trying hard, to focus my energy on myself and to what lies ahead. I also have discovered some very serious childhood and early adult issues that I have repressed for a really long time. I'm working hard on myself now too and feel confident that for those of us who do the work, we will all be in such a better place in the end! Stay strong and turn where you can get the support you need-This forum!

#4 Feb 21 - 12PM

shock and awe.some (not verified)

Another question

I don't know if I can make it 18 months before I start to date again. When I divorced my XNH aftr 30 years! ugh! I took 3 years off to be alone and work on myself. apparently it was the wrong kind of work. i really miss male companionship. Most of my friends still have kids at home where I am retired and the nights are the WORST! I miss going to events with a date. I am not ready for any kind of serious relationship but what would you suggest as far as just casual dating?

#5 Feb 21 - 12PM

Hunter

Do you want the good news or

Do you want the good news or the bad news?. Ok bad news.. 30 days.. It's just the begining.. Last week a year later I ..yes Hunter.. Had a major meltdown. So .. It's a Looong process.. The good news ... Wahoooooo.. You're Doing it. You may not think so but you are.. Re read what you wrote ... No Pain no Gain. Hunter

#6 Feb 21 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

shock and awe.some (not verified)

Hunter

We can always count on you to tell it like it is. It's interesting how you mods differ so much on how you respond. I appreciate all of you and your wisdom. Now I am crying. I haven't cried since Friday

#7 Feb 21 - 12PM (Reply to #9)

Hunter

The Mods

Our style is different but the message is the same ., Keep the Buzz alive. Hunter

#8 Feb 21 - 12PM

Sparrow

I think you are doing great

I think you are doing great and can I say, you have a really good handle on NPD. I am impressed by your posts and your willingness and eagerness to help others here on the forum. You are at a standstill right now, and will experience that through out your journey. It's very normal. Continue doing what your doing. Be patient with your self and with your journey. In my experience, it takes approx 12-18 months to get through your journey, for some much much longer. Take it slow.........keep up the great work!

#9 Feb 21 - 12PM

spinning

phantom, my sweet!

This is an amazing post! Do you realize how much hard work you have already done in a mere 31 days? It is incredible. You are Wonder Woman. Freak and smokes at the same time! Wow, you are really changing the script. It is no wonder that you feel a bit exhausted from it all. Here is the good news. This "awakening" will transform your life. I was told this at 27 days NC, that I actually in some way called the Freak Boy into my life so I would finally, finally deal with these deep seated self esteem issues from childhood. I, too, was 53 when D & D'd. I spent six years in Narcville... Well, now that I am 15 months out, I understand what the woman told me. I understand that it was true and I now look at the D * D as the greatest gift the f'n freak ever gave me. phantom, go easy on yourself! You're going through a HUGE LIFE ALTERING PROCESS and it will take time and patience. Don't expect too much of yourself and don't think you are "stuck" simply because you're not exactly dancing on the rooftops 31 days after being D & D'd and quitting smoking all at the same time. Lighten up if possible! It's great that you are socializing. Keep doing it..."fake it til you make it" it worked for me! Also, no longer say "I'm a 53 year old who never got a relationship right". You can now say "I'm a 53 year old who is determined to have the kind of relationship that works for me!" Hugs to you, dear phantom. You are amazing and you are stronger than you feel right now. You've done GREAT so far. Keep going... Sincerely (not) spinning. IT WASN'T EASY TO STOP, BUT IT WAS SO WORTH THE JOURNEY

spinning

#10 Feb 21 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

shock and awe.some (not verified)

TU spinning

The similarities of our lives are amazing. My bff said something similar to me the other day. People tell me "it just wasn't meant to be". Just this week, 2 of my good friends told me they thought our relationship would not work because he didn't want to be tied down. Why didn't I see this and why didn't they tell me this at the time. My son who's trained in behavior analysis told me he always thought my XNBF was shifty. I personally would have appreciated honesty from them b 4 I gave my heart away. Another thing that irks me (it's bitchin day 4 me) is that other people are shocked to hear we broke up because "he was such a nice guy" Same people who have seen me go through a string of men in the last 4 years who were also "nice guys" Your comment about inviting this into my life....I know that is true but very hard to face. I am beating myself up over..why didn't I fix this when I was 20 or 30? If I had, I would probably be in a stable, loving relationship now. thoughts?

#11 Feb 21 - 12PM (Reply to #5)

spinning

phantom, I cannot tell you how many

times I have mulled the question in your last paragraph over! With the work I've been doing, I have come to accept that I just wasn't ready. I wasn't receiving the true message that was being sent to me time and again. I made many poor choices ... now I think I did because it was the easier thing to do then. My extreme need for approval prompted me to do choose some things that ended up hurting me in the long run. I had little expectations and therefore I got little. What I've started to realize, understand and trust is that it took someone exploiting my tendency to give all and expect little in return out of my belief system that you get back what you give is the wake up call I was ready to listen to later in life. I made it some 4 decades without realizing that this pattern kept landing me in the same spot. So phantom, I know what you mean. But my suggestion is to just let it go. It took what it took to finally bring your issues into the light...and that's where they will be healed. Don't beat yourself up for this because YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! When I was told the "inviting" comment, I didn't like it one bit. It was so hard for me to swallow and to even consider because it felt like "blame." The person who told me actually said it was a blessing! That this had to happen for me to open the gateway to the light and the kind of life and relationships I want. To the self-knowledge that I CAN RAISE THE BAR and that I can expect GOOD THINGS. When I changed my thought process to line up with what she was saying, it changed everything! You're doing great, phantom. I hope this lengthy response gives you at least a tidbit of something good to consider. This is a process and you are processing very very well. Let go of the idea that there could have been any other outcome! It's not your fault. There are exploitative predators in this world...and we've gotten that lesson now so we can avoid this old pattern in the future. Hugs to you and know that great things lie ahead for you. Sincerely, (not) spinning. AND VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT!

spinning

#12 Feb 21 - 12PM (Reply to #3)

phantom adoration

NICE GUY?

I get the "he was such and nice guy" and "you guys such a good relationship" I respond, "I thought so too". I am impressed you have quit smoking, how's that going? Forgive your self if you fail on that one as you are taking on a lot. Don't ever forget, "youare thenice personand you deserve a good relationship. Nothing less.

#13 Feb 21 - 12PM (Reply to #4)

shock and awe.some (not verified)

TU Phantom

If u r struggling with smoking, get the book "The easy way to quit smoking" by alan Carr. It's behavior modification training. I have tried so many damn times to quit and hated myself. But this book made it easy..truly I have no desire to smoke. Good luck

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