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addicted to being hurt?

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#1 Jun 17 - 5AM
Anne_
Anne_'s picture

addicted to being hurt?

Hi all,

I discovered a scary truth about myself these last couple of days. After being with the N for 3 years, I spent my winter lying on the couch, thinking and healing. I did a pretty decent job. I met someone new in March, and we had a really nice time at first. Then I started to notice some freaky things about him: his obsession with his work (he is a university professor), his obsession with very young women (even on campus), his suicidal ideation, his depression. To cut things short, I was about to break up with him, when he had to undergo surgery and I decided to postpone the breakup till after his recovery. He was possibly in a pre-cancer stage, so I thought it not the best moment to go away. Shortly after the surgery, he broke up with me, and frankly, I was kinda relieved. I felt liberated, happy to be away from his depression and destructive behavior (he sniffed coke, drinks a LOT....).
But these last weeks, I keep hearing stories about him. I think he cheated on me. And I discovered that he transmitted a virus on me (HPV) which caused damage in him (hence the surgery), and I will have a minor surgery as well (which, hopefully will turn out well). Any reasonable human being would be angry with him. But the more bad news and crazy stuff I hear about him, the more I miss him! I'm very worried about this. This is a really crazy and harmful pattern. I try to be aware of it, and not to act upon it (with the N, I frequently found myself begging to take me back, and at least I'm not doing this anymore).
I think this is the pattern that has kept me so long in the relation with the N. I'm glad I'm seeing this clearly now. Now it is about finding a way to cope with it.

Any of you who experienced the same?

Jun 26 - 11AM
Jax
Jax's picture

been there

I think we get used to the cycle of pain, from the brainwashing, its a roller coaster that is addictive. I totally understand how you feel, I am the same way. He hurt and confused me so much it became some sort of sick bond and I wanted to be with him. Bizarre. I understand the relief so well.... I am so sorry to hear about your health situation, but you are taking care of yourself and one day will look bad on it all as a bad dream.
Jun 17 - 10AM
Kiwi2005
Kiwi2005's picture

Anne

It's called being brainwashed. You crave him, even when you're hearing the worst things about him because he's somehow "trained" you to need him, miss him, want him, and rely on him. Whether or not you agree or believe this, it's how it works and how they operate. You'll get past this. Yes! But you need to keep reading, posting, educating yourself as much as possible. I still struggle with the wanting to talk to him even though I have no reason for it. Stay Strong! Stay Educated- soon enough you'll be able to read his every move, every word, etc.
Jun 17 - 5AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Cycle of being hurt

I do not think anybody is addicted to being hurt. But a person can be trained to accept a cycle of pain followed by secour at the hands of the very same person who inflicted pain. This happens to a child in an abusive home. The parent verbally or physically abuses the child. The child is hurt. Then the parent is the one who comforts the child, wipes away the tears. And, over all, the child is dependent on this person who runs hot & cold for everything in life--food, shelter, clothes. And the child becomes a woman. And she connects with that which is most familiar. A man who runs hot & cold. Episodes of abuse & then episodes of well-being together. This is what family life is for her. This is home. One must search inside of oneself to understand what is it in the past which conditioned me to accept this nonsense as an adult. For the STD. This is a "tort of assault & battery" under the law. If he had the STD . . . & knew . . . which you say he did because he had a surgery related to it . . . then you can sue him in civil court for monetary damages. Lawyers accept these cases for approximately 33% of the take. He's a university professor, so he's got some money to make this worth the while for any lawyer who does this kind of case. Oh. BTW. Mine was a university professor as well. Academe is a haven for successful narcissists. Make their own schedule, adulation of the students, etc.
Jun 17 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
Anne_
Anne_'s picture

legislation on STD

unfortunately, European legislation is a whole other story :-(. I don't think I will stand a chance here in Belgium. And he isn't rich -at all! He spends all of his money on vodka, pot and coke (my main reason of wanting to break up in the first place) . At least we have good health insurance over here :-), with surgery and lab tests included. At least I was very quick in discovering it. The sad thing is, I work at the same university, same department, in a management function. I see him on a daily basis, I simply cannot avoid him. I know I will get used to seeing him, but I simply am raving mad when I see him flirting with his students. Not that I am jealous, but they will be infected too! In fact, I was lucky to be with him at the time of the surgery. I got worried and got a Pap smear immediately, and this will reduce my risk at cancer drasticly. Yes, academia is a great place for all kinds of personality disorder, don't tell me :-)