Acckk !! Just move on !!

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#1 May 2 - 2PM
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

Acckk !! Just move on !!

Thank you for this board that gives us a chance to vent !! : )

I am so tired of everybody (my family and friends) just saying to move on !! They just don't get it. How can you move on with your life when the life has been sucked out of you !!

May 4 - 10AM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Just move on...well give me time and I will

Totally relate to how you feel. It takes time and lots of TLC to be able to do this, which I am giving to myself. Being with an N or the aftermath of being with a N is like the loneliest place in the world...unless you have been through it you just don't get how it can affect you, it can trigger past hurts too, which it has for me. If I had a £ note for everytime someone said to me "it's terrible what he did but you have to move on" then I'd be a rich women :-) so I am using not saying to much about what I am going through and the N outside of this site as part of my NC now. It's such a weight off my shoulders to get explanations from here and share experiences and realize I was not turning into a crazed nut job who was imagining things and that it is ok to be upset and feel depressed, angry and cry, it's just part of getting over it...and luckly I have found out other people are starting to see my exN for what he is. Shame about his new victim though, she got a flat with him after only knowing him for just over four weeks...but she wouldn't believe me even if I told her.....sticking to NC RULES staying NC all the way.
May 2 - 3PM
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

i've heard that from people who are not clueless.....

or shouldn't be.....like the bottom of the barrel therapist i had...and from DV agencies....and it's done nothing but harm me more....... it's bad enough when just general dumbasses spew that.without hearing it from the so called 'experts'.....i've found that staring them in the eye and asking them to explain in detail just HOW to do that shuts them up pretty quick........
May 2 - 2PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

clueless

teesme...they are CLUELESS, believe me. I think even the people who 'try' to listen are really freaked out. They just can't grasp it. I've told a couple of people in the beginning, but gave up because you do get very tired of hearing the same old cliches that are not helpful. My mother is an N, so people in my family are really good at burying feelings and denial...so for the most part, it's been useless with them as well. Sharing with people who understand is where you're going to get most of your validation, and it's so essential to get as much as you can.
May 2 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Most people don't understand what it is to be brainwashed

Most people who I talk to have no clue what it is like to be manipulated and brainwashed...by another human being, so controlled, manipulated, for their good not yours,,they have no concept of what the experience feels like, what it is to go through it,,they don't understand their communication or impact that it has had on us...it is good to talk to others about it none the less, yet they will discredit your experience because they think they guy was normal,,,no,,,not normal,,,calculated evil...pathological.
May 4 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

they don't even know!

most people are BRAINWASHED by the media since childhood, Amazed. DEEPLY brainwashed & controlled they're already primed for more brainwashing - and DON'T EVEN KNOW IT ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 2 - 2PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

get over it?

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/04/those-who-tell-you-just-get-over-it-or-forgive-forget http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/.../narcissists-cause-their-victims-ptsd http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/04/16/new-book-its-all-your-fault PLEASE read the whole "MY BLOG" section and cruise around the message board before posting about things that have been discussed NUMEROUS times before. Thanks. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
May 2 - 2PM
gullablegull (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I can relate

Even though you hate it when they say it, you can see they would like to indicate it even more! "you're letting him win by not moving on.....", "people go through this all the time, you're not the first one ever", blah blah blah That's why I have cut off many people. They don't want to hear, nor do I believe they understand. I don't want to hear what they say either! They don't know. No one knows unless you've been there. I am trying to move on....pathological relationships are much more damaging than your average swine, I do believe. I pray that God will lead me out of this abyss, the sooner the better. I know people can't help it though. They just don't know. Thank goodness there is this forum.
May 2 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

I totally agree gullablegull...

with cutting off folks that DO NOT understand. During the initial phase of my ordeal, I would not mention any of my problems to my family or people that I worked with. I realized that they would not be able to empathize...how could they? Heck, who understands mis-wired minds? We (the victims) still have a hard time understanding what it was all about! Only those of us who have been involved with what we considered a "relationship" with these non-humans would understand the emotional damage they inflict. My mother doesn't even know I was hopitalized as a result of this trauma. To my family, it was a normal b/u...and that is the way I want them to continue to think of it. They do not talk about or ask about my XN and that is a blessing. They've move on and now...so have I. So teesme...vent all you want on this board and don't even bother trying to explain to normal people what you are going through. Who understands twisted minds? and who understands the damage they leave behind? It takes time to overcome the damaging interactions with Ns sweetheart. There will be many questions and many concerns you'll want to share...we are right here for you!
May 2 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

Feel like a big piece of crap

I agree that some folks just do not get it. I am fortunate to have some friends and family who do. He took who I thought were my best friends...guess they were not. My Aunt called me on the phone to tell me she just watched Dr. Phil( I know, it's kind of funny) about women and psychopaths and she is so supportive of me. This is a lady in her 70's and she get's it. Everyone else is "get over it". Damn I wish I could more than they do!!!! It doesn't help that I am PMSng...but I swear, if I had insurance right now I would have myself committed. I keep thinking he wasn't that bad. If I had only held my tongue and not pointed out the lie. I've been depressed before and I've been sad, but this is the worst experience mentally I have EVER had. I keep focusing on how I screwed it all up. Because I do not have a story of huge verbal or physical abuse. And everyone loved this man. It was like when it was becoming a reality he started gaslighting and being passive-agressive. I've gotta find another dream or I am going to be out on the street. When we were going to get married, my health insurance would've been under him. I can't focus on the commitments I have. The only focus I have is not a good one. And I really do not want to go on antidepressants but I see no alternative at this point. I have no contact with this man. He erased me. It's been just about 2 months. If finally sent my wedding dress back. I thought I was stronger than this. Sorry to keep whining and whining but it's the only thing that keeps me from crawling back in the bed. I realize no one is dispensing professional advice. Just looking for a shred of hope that life gets better and it wasn't all my fault and it wasn't just he didn't love me anymore and that I suck.
May 2 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

hitandrun

I've been where you are....depressed and in bed for one year. I wasted one year of my life and I felt like I would never be normal again. Like I would be mentally messed up and never able to recover. So let me tell you what I learned, maybe it will help you: - none of the antidepressents I used made me feel better -they actually made me feel worse because I felt like I lost control of my mind. - I wasn't sleeping at all, but trazadone did work and helped me to sleep; this was a lifesaver and it didn't mess up my mind. - I couldn't even force myself to do anything with friends or go to work; I was completely non-functional. But you have to make yourself get out and do something. Find something you like to do or even you don't like to do and do it. - Go for a walk, get a puppy, just keep yourself busy and moving. - find someone else to help; there are people that need help everywhere - journal and talk to friends; get it all out; write lots of stuff on this board. And it will get better. I thought I would never be normal again and I am totally fully functional again, exercising, doing things with my friends, good career, and being a mom. Hang in there - but get yourself busy! And don't try to figure out right now what happened, it doesn't matter right now. My therapist gave me some good advise, stop trying to figure it out because you are too in the thick of it. One year from now then think back on it. It will make more sense to you one year from now and you will understand why this happened and what is the lesson you were supposed to learn. And she was right, after one year, the fog cleared and I understood the lessons I was supposed to learn from all of that pain. It was - dont' try to pretend like everything is OK. You don't have to be perfect. It is ok to have relational problems. - don't bottle things up. Problems don't get resolved by bottling, they only continue to get worse because they aren't being worked on. - talk to friends often; don't always try to be the strong one. - God does want me to be happy; so if I try my best at this marriage and it still doesn't work then it is time to move on.