Accepting the Truth About the N

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#1 Jul 20 - 3PM
Deserve better
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Accepting the Truth About the N

I recently read this article written by Richard Skerritt. It really helped clarify some things I have been struggling with. Even though I am continually D&D'd by Mr. N, I always had a difficult time believing anyone could be that dark. This helped me give up/release my own form of magical thinking...hoping that if I was just "good enough" or patient enough, I would get to his core and find the diamond. But there is no diamond. Never will be a diamond. I hope this illustration is helpful to any of you that are struggling with accepting this truth about the N.

Blessing to you. May we all find hope and health and healing because we all DESERVE BETTER

Onions and Scrambled Eggs - Part 1
Well, Many nons feel that there is a “good core” in their PDSOs (significant others with a personality disorder, including borderline, narcissistic and antisocial) and that, much like an onion, they can somehow peel the layers of the disorder away, revealing this beautiful diamond core. Of course, most all of us live (or did) with behavior that varies all over the map from violent to adorable. Is it just a layer?

If you’re going to make good decisions, it’s important to understand what you live with. First, let’s look at PDs who are sick, in denial, and don’t accept responsibility. This isn’t a mood. This isn’t a passing state. I’ll say more about healing later, but to begin, we need to keep in mind that PDs are disordered and will stay that way until they accept responsibility for themselves The idea of a shimmering diamond is enticing, but is it there?

One analogy I have used around this issue is:

“My H is really a good, law-abiding person. It’s just that every once in a while he robs a bank. But really, deep down inside, he is a good, law abiding person.”

The only way I can make sense of this kind of alternating behavior is to back up from it. In my mind, the basic truth is:

Good, law-abiding people don’t rob banks. When you see someone rob a bank, you know they are not a law abiding person.

I would apply this to a definition of a loving person: A loving person does not demean, derogate, hit, kick, spit on, or rage at other people. When you see these behaviors, you know that you are not seeing a loving person.

A disordered person is just that: disordered. There is no gem of personality inside the disorder. This is why they are called personality disorders - because they disorder the entire structure of the person. Living with a disordered person and thinking there is a sparkling diamond waiting for us to uncover is unrealistic. We can never peel this onion. A PD is more like a scrambled egg. The tendency to be loving and good is intertwined with the compulsion to be hurtful. There is not some diamond inside, covered by a crust. The whole person is disordered - scrambled, if you will. You get it all together, or you get nothing. You might read the Parable of the Tree (p. 70).

Projected diamonds: And what is it that makes up this scrambled mess? Is it a diamond? Is it the precious person we imagine? Well, only healing will tell, but it’s not likely. The “ideal” persona that we sometimes see in our SOs is not an expression of their true self. It is a facade, held up to avoid rejection. Surely that cannot represent their core. And like everyone, we project our own wishes and desires onto others, including our SOs. “Oh, isn’t she sweet?” we coo at a toddler, even though she may be far from it. It is what we value and wish to see. We do this with our SOs, too. I talk about this a little in On Changing Values (p. 117). Our perceptions of our SOs are distorted by both their ideal facades and our own projected desires.

Not our onion: More importantly, even if this were an onion, it is not our onion to peel. Only the disordered person can choose to do that. It is not our responsibility to do that; it is not within our power to do that. If we are focused on “helping” our PDSO, we are in the wrong place. We need to be focused on helping ourselves. It is up to our SOs to choose .

Jul 20 - 4PM
brinamarie
brinamarie's picture

Great post! Thank u for this

Jul 20 - 4PM
no more an echo
no more an echo's picture

dark souls

Jul 20 - 4PM
Rising Dawn
Rising Dawn's picture

Inside an onion, more onion, and nothing else

Jul 20 - 3PM
Jenna H
Jenna H's picture

our own form of magical thinking

Jul 20 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
no more an echo
no more an echo's picture

back to 'the beast'

Jul 20 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
Jenna H
Jenna H's picture

so right Echo...