1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. The Path Forward Forum
  5. Acceptance

Acceptance

10 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 May 12 - 12PM
better off
better off's picture

Acceptance

Had a moving experience at Al Anon today. I wasn't really thinking about my guy or anything, it just came to me during the meeting...people were talking about "letting go" or things we want to feel in control of. I dont' even know what was said that triggered my thoughts...anyway, after this grief process of shock and denial and the boiling anger I felt when I found this site, I'm finally coming to that place of letting go. Laying it to rest.

I realized today that I will never have all my questions answered...that desire will never be satisfied. But bigger than that, is knowing that it doesn't even matter...even if I could satisfy every bit of my wondering and curiosity...it doesn't change anything. The outcome is the same: the man I loved so deeply doesn't love me. It is what it is.

Funny, that's the statement I used when I finally surrendered to the fact that I was in love with him...I wrestled with it and tried to fight it and then I just thought, well, it is what it is.

I'm not sorry for having loved him. It gave me joy to do it...I unfolded with him and kind of like a map I'm not ever going to be folded back to the way I was. I needed to change to grow from where I was before I met him. This isn't how I would have picked to do it, but I know God will make something beautiful from the ashes. Why this guy did it or what any of it meant (or didn't mean) to him is immaterial to me at this point.

I really suffered from the cognitive dissonance of it all...but I just accept that it's irreconcilable...the treasures I keep from that relationship mixed with lies and manipulations...I've given up trying to make that mesh in my mind and in my heart. It doesn't matter. He did recognize something in me that I had forgotten existed...and he brought it to life again...and even it was for his own gain, I still have a fire in my heart again and I will go on. In the Bible when Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery, and then he later became ruler of Egypt because of it...he tells them years later "you meant it for evil, but God meant it for good."

I want to go live my life now. He's living his...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrNoDUblAtE

Jan 17 - 11AM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

I like that quote!

' In the Bible when Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery, and then he later became ruler of Egypt because of it...he tells them years later "you meant it for evil, but God meant it for good."' I'm not particularly religious, but that really strikes a chord. I realised a long time ago that my narc had done a fair amount of good by making me more accepting of myself and teaching me to suffer less. None of it was for my gain, it was all for his own nasty needs, but the end result still benefited me anyway. Reminds me of when I lost a job a few years ago at a really bad company, and ended up at a much better one, and from that point on would never tolerate a bad employer again. Part of me wanted to thank them - but I knew they were only ever thinking of their own selfish needs. My benefit was just an accident.
Jan 17 - 8AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

A post of hope and rebirth

Hi Betteroff, Great post, I am coming to this as well. The point is that no matter what the narc did and trust me he did plenty!! I loved him with all of my heart; in a way I don't believe I had loved in a LONG time or ever. That is on me, no one can take away the beautiful feelings I had. I never thought I would say this at the time; but this experience is changing me for the better and I have gotten to know myself more in these past months than I think I ever did before. I was always a people pleaser and had little clue how to get my own needs met and without question the Narc has taught me to take care of my own self first and I also am more determined than ever before to have and lead the life which is my destiny not living through or for another. There is much more which has come out of this as well in terms of my reckoning with my past and old trauma which had lay dorment in me and was affecting my happiness on many levels. This has been life changing for me and I don't and can't hate the Narc because he is no longer the point. This is about recovery for me and letting go of all the old hurts, pains, and wounds. Takes time and work to reach this point, yet well worth the effort to finally at long last get myself back. G
Jan 16 - 7PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Most perfectly said,

Most perfectly said, betteroff! Welcome to the other side. It is not without struggle but it is without the same daily heartache and pain - and when you remember that every day - it is a blessing all its own. Hallelujah! almostlydia

almostlydia

Jan 16 - 2PM
apple
apple's picture

Wow girly!!

This was an amazing post!!!!!!!!
May 20 - 6PM
Elena
Elena's picture

Congrats Betteroff!

Better off, I am so happy for you, about being able to let go, after all the turmoil, it feels so good to hear someone say that they have finally let go of the narcissist in their life. It is such a good place to reach after a rocky road. You know, what you said: “The man I loved so deeply doesn't love me“, this is the hardest part to swallow, but the most freeing when you are at the crossroads of deciding between exiting the relationship or not. Because then you ask yourself – “Why would I want to invest my precious life with an individual who does not love me?” Not worth it! We deserve a good man who will love us!” Oh, and you have something he doesn’t, you have the ability to love and you loved him, and he does not have this, he’s missing a big chip. At least you loved, and you can love again! I can relate with you when you said – “I needed to change to grow from where I was before I met him.“ Where I was before I met him too was not a good place, I began that journey with very low self esteem, that’s why I tolerated him. Now I have grown, and I will not take this pathetic behavior he demonstrated anymore. Enough is enough, no more. Either I will partner with a man who will truly love me and respect me, or nothing. I will not take less, and I encourage you to do the same. God does take ashes and turns them into joy. He turns brokeness into beautiful. I too believe that what the narcissist meant for evil, God will use it for good, of this I am sure, as I am sure that the sky is blue. I am so happy for you!!! Congratulations!!!!
May 13 - 5PM
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

thank you

There is so much to read on this site and I know I must often miss something good, through limited time, however I am so glad I found what you have written, truly from the heart. I would echo Lisa's comments and thank you myself for sharing this here. I love the map analogy and the ashes too. I remember when I first felt that peace within you describe and knowing I would never have answers, however I had peace within and that was far more valauble and solid. Like you I am glad I had the experience. Most people are astounded when I say this, however I am glad I have been there and back. I would not be the person I am today without those experiences and I would no be here supporting others either.
May 16 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Fairy Wings

Yes, I so agree with you about what Betteroff wrote. I love the map analogy. I also do not regret what I have been through. Life is to short and precious for regrets. I believe we experience things for a reason. Like you, I wouldn't be the person I am today without these experiences and more importantly, would never have met all you amazing women.
May 13 - 3AM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Betteroff

I love what you said. So beautifully written. Yes, we all learn from our narcissists. They teach us great things. I am glad you are ready to move on now. It's such a wonderful place to be. Scary, but freeing and liberating. I'm so happy for you!
May 12 - 7PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

better off

Thanks so much for posting this. Your words so much reflect exactly what I've been thinking and feeling for the last couple of weeks. Well put! :)