Abandonment

Hi Kevsmart, I relate to your post in a big way. I also have abandonment issues and my exN knew this and used it against me as another control tactic. I too thought I drove him away with my insecurities and 'neediness', but he made damn sure I felt that way as part of his control. What I try to keep in mind is how it was the first four months with him when I was not insecure at all, experienced no jealousy or fear because for all intense purposes he was 'with' me. It was only when he started withholding and pulling away that my fears came up. Most people would weaken under the stress of that and I just wish I saw it for what it was in the early days and didn't buy into it causing my fears to deepen and his control to become entrenched. Journey on...

I have had several stay with me much longer than their other partners. We looked good to the outside world, with house, good jobs, cars and vacations. I was great supply but believe me, they did not change for me just because they stuck with me for a long term relationship. In fact, the endings were much worse because of having so many years in to the dysfuntion. Abandonment stuff is heavy and is my big issue. I had an N mother and never bonded and was afraid of her. I always wanted someone who could provide a safe harbor, total security and shelter from the storm. Someone to hide under - but unfrotunately I picked emotionally unavailable narcs because that is all I know. I never expereinced being with anyone who was emotionally availble. Mother was an N, father an absent workaholic, sister mean, very mean to me (and she picked really crazy men). I think we just play out our childhood issues over and over until we deal with them. No one can save me or make up for all the nurturing I never got - that is way too much pressure to put on another human. but honestly, that is what made me happy, EX N's affection (and he was very affectionate) and hiding from me and the world in his arms. Its like refusing to grow up and deal...

I have had several stay with me much longer than their other partners. We looked good to the outside world, with house, good jobs, cars and vacations. I was great supply but believe me, they did not change for me just because they stuck with me for a long term relationship. In fact, the endings were much worse because of having so many years in to the dysfuntion. Abandonment stuff is heavy and is my bid issue. I had an N mother and never bonded and was afraid of her. I always wanted someone who could provide a safe harbor, total security and shelter from the storm. Someone to hide under - but unfrotunately I picked emotionally unavailable narcs because that is all I know. I never expereinced being with anyone who was emotionally availble. Mother was an N, father an absent workaholic, sister mean, very mean to me (and she picked really crazy men). I think we just play out our childhood issues over and over until we deal with them. No one can save me or make up for all the nurturing I never got - that is way too much pressure to put on another human. but honestly, that is what made me happy, EX N's affection (and he was very affectionate) and hiding from me and the world in his arms. Its like refusing to grow up and deal...

you did not drive him away by being too jealous or insecure. This is the game they play and part of their expert manipulations. They purposely triangulate others into the dynamics to MAKE you jealous and insecure. It's all part of their supply - creating situations where two others (or more) are "fighting" over them. Mine did this ALL the time. I even accused him of trying to make me jealous, which he of course denied, but he got off on it. And then in true projection form, would accuse me of being too jealous and therefore blame our problems on me. The truth is, I was jealous for a reason. He was always interacting inappropriately with other women on FB, texting, emailing or talking on the phone. He always said they were just friends, but since coming here and reading everything I have, I highly doubt all of them were "just friends." The point is, sometimes you have every reason and right to be jealous because there is an actual threat. To me, a "jealous person" is the paranoid partner who is suspicious and jealous for no reason at all and just imagines things. That isn't us. They gave us EVERY REASON and in the end, confirmed our worst fears - left us for somebody else. Let me just tell you what my exN said to me in the beginning in an email exchange where I had expressed my concern about one/or some of his FB interactions. "I like when you show jealousy. It makes me feel good." This was in the very beginning of our relationship. Later on, when he was D&Ding me, he posted some pictures of himself posing with other women at a Halloween Party on FB that made him look like a player. Basically looking like he was "with" any one of these women. There was one picture in particular where he had his arms around another woman and I lost it. He told me later that when he saw that picture before uploading and posting it, it occurred to him it would probably bother me. So what did he do? Published it with no warning to me or anything. He KNEW how I would react and posted it anyway. I recently found out from a mutual friend who was at the same party and is steadily becoming more my friend, that the next day, when he met her and some other friends at a local bar, he was bragging to her about how pissed I was about the pictures he posted from the party the night before and he was SMILING. She noticed this and pointed it out to him, but he didn't respond. This proves they do things like this to hurt us on purpose and enjoy it. Then to add insult to injury, they turn around and accuse us of being jealous and insecure. Don't ever doubt or blame yourself for what has happened with this disordered person. In normal relationships, it takes two to Tango as they say, and there is plenty of blame and responsibility to go both ways. But with a Narc, it's all one-sided and the problems are caused by them, but they will blame you for all of it. We try so hard to make things work with them in an impossible situation and they in turn blame us when it doesn't and accept none of the responsibility for themselves and the destruction they have caused.

Yes ... I also have a great fear of abandonment, but I actually don't know why! I had a happy childhood ... but I first became aware of it when I split up with my first boyfriend - he dumped me for my best friend, and I had a horrible sense of looking around me and seeing lots of couples and feeling very alone. I didn't get this feeling again until a few years ago when my ex-husband (not the narc) left me just three weeks after my Dad died, and this triggered the same abandonment issues. I dealt with this reasonably well and managed okay until this nonsense with the Narc. Although I was downgraded to a friend some time ago, I let him control all the contact between us so was not really given the opportunity to display any emotion over him - however he would be deliberately be unreliable which he knew triggered insecurities. I tried to manage these and keep them to myself, because often they were things like saying he would turn up - but not what time - and when I tried to clarify a time for practical or logistical purposes, he would say I was being insecure even when I wasn't !! Ultimately, he used this attempt to plan (and this was usually for his benefit because he got angry if I had not prepared food for his arrival etc !) as my being clingy and needy, so I had the exact same thought that I had then caused his outbursts. He would ask why I could not just be calm and let him arrive whenever. When I did this, he went ballistic because he was hungry and food was not ready. It is an interesting point you make, and I am sorry you have gone through this pain too. I guess there are others on here who have this fear, and it is a difficult one to explain, but I suspect that you are right about why we were chosen or targeted by someone who abandons. In the crazy dance we would be the perfect partner.