So I'm officially 9 months NC now. I like to come here and update where I am for myself and for others in recovery. Here's where I am today and what I've learned:
**Don't get cocky. At 8 months, I had one stupid hoover which was two words under a photo on my business FB page, "Nice shoes." Let the spin begin...is he thinking about me, does he miss me...blah, blah, blah. And so, I decided to unblock him and check out his FB page because, after all, I was doing well and could handle it. WRONG. I saw tons of happy family pics which evoked sobbing, the kind where you hyperventilate. It's such a DEEP hurt inside. I messaged TheNewJane who has been a big support. She advised me to re-block and keep moving forward. And, thankfully, I did.
**Really low times help push you through to great days. After the FB setback, I would sneak peeks at his business FB page which put me back into the addiction. I started crying daily thinking of all that had happened because the CD had been stirred up. And you know what? I got tired. Tired of feeling sad, having headaches, reliving a past that was a fraud from the beginning. Why was I punishing myself over and over again? I stopped checking FB again and have no desire to know anything. My mood rapidly improved.
**Setting boundaries with people is a continuous process that can make you feel lonely sometimes. I have cut people out of my life who are users, unappreciative, or just plain mean. Once I started eliminating these people, I started having so much PEACE in my life. I'm getting to do things that make ME happy, not just to please everyone else. I feel empowered that I have the control back over my life.
**Try new things! I went indoor skydiving and tried a ballet-based exercise class. Both of these are very out of my comfort zone but I did them. I cannot tell you how EMPOWERED I felt and proud that I did them. The experience with the N left me feeling weak about myself. Well, not anymore! I know I can do anything if I set my mind to it.
**Appreciate what you have and put your time into people who love you. All of my time and energy is now put into people who are equally as caring. They reciprocate so I'm not left with feelings of resentment that I would always hold inside with the takers in my life.
**Know your worth. There is a wonderful video on YouTube right now that talks about the worth of a woman. In it, some of what the man says is "You are beautiful. You are smart. You are funny. You are kind. You are unique. You are worthy of love and affection. You are never too much, and you are always enough. You are precious. You are worth more than you could ever imagine. Worth more than the numbers on a scale, or the hair products you use, or the shoes you wear. More than how many girls wish they were you or how many guys wish they had you. More than the price tags on your clothes or the number of followers you have on twitter. You are powerful, strong, and capable. You are awesome..and don't you forget it!"
Overall, it's been quite a bumpy month in recovery. My therapist retired, and I'm seeing a new one tomorrow just to stay on track. But look how far I've come! 9 months ago I was depressed, underweight, not sleeping, crying all the time, unable to focus on work or my family...just a complete ZOMBIE.
I really want people to understand that you will have some days/weeks with a lot of pain/sadness. But for me, that was more processing I had to do. Today, I feel stronger, better, and happier. I can say with assurance that I will NEVER allow the N back into my life again. HOWEVER, I'm smart enough now to know that I have to remain NC, no matter what.
Wishing everyone courage and strength in their recovery!