6 Days NC

Today is 6 days NC with the N. I dumped him for my 1st time. I am still learning the lingo on here, he dumped me on 6 different occasions. I found this site back in April. As soon as I started learning & was at my most vulnerable state he shows up. Of course I took him back, he dumped me again after 2 months & once again I took him back. He is 42, divorced, alcoholic, lives with his mom, doesn't pay child support, short & balding. I felt as if I was 1. Drinking buddy or 2. Some awesome chick he's never had. We would go to this bar next door almost everyday. Realistically that's the only place he ever took me. I dated him for a year. He even went to jail early on in the relationship for 2 months for not paying child support. I should of gotten out then & woke up then. But I didn't. He basically lived with me, never paid a dime of bills. Nothing. When he would d&d me he would go straight to mommys & ignore me for at most 10 days. I would always plead, leave notes in his box & was a complete mess. He never cheated but would make me feel so very insecure when we were out in public. I used to be so very confident.
The last straw for me was last Wednesday. We went to the bar & ha a few drinks. He left to go hang out with his friends. I decided to not go home but to hang out there, I put a few beers on his tab thinking oh not a problem he won't mind. Tell him 1st thing Thursday morning, he flipped out & ignored me all day. I called maybe 20x that day for him to answer. No answer. I decided enough is enough. I left a nasty voice mail telling him he is a narcissist, liar, I was nothing but a game & void to fill in his life, and I am DONE. Etc. he came by that afternoon gave me back my key and cell phone that I helped him get on my phone plan. A bill in which he never paid. He forgot 1 bag of his things, I drove to the bar thinking I wouldnt see him outside but would put the bag by his bike.
Well he saw me and yelled " why don't you go fuck someone this weekend you skank", I yelled back " good luck finding another chick who's gonna fk you in the ass you little bitch!" I know childish, but felt liberating to say, ESP when 3 people we knew were outside.
I have fallen off the radar the last 6 days, I do not plan on going to that bar. Even though I haw "friends" there. Doesn't feel like I really have any friends these days or anyone to talk to. I wake up today & my first thought is him. When will my first thought when I wake up of him stop.
I have always been a hermit, not really had a lot of friends. I have always been my own best friend. I have been in 4 back to back relationships with narcissists. I never knew what one was Til months go. If I had money to see a therapist I would. I hope to find some friends on here to talk to. When does this start getting easier? I feel like my heart has been ripped down my throat and shit on. He lives a half a mile from me & I know I will see him when 1 I am walking or 2 when I am driving or 3 when I go to the store. I don't understand what it is I loved and cared about so much with him. However I really wish I didn't in the first place. I wasn't the OW because he has been divorced for 6 years. And by his looks & what he has to offer I doubt he has had any play or relations since her. All he cares about is his vodka, the bar, his $$ and himself. I have deleted all his photos erased his #. He doesn't know Internet or how to work a computer so NC on those lines. I'm just afraid he's going to show up on his convience. I'm going to be 28 in a month & I need to change my relatio ship patterns or I am going to end up with another N. I live on my own have no kids. I always have wanted a family but seem to always go for the loser unavailable asshole types. I just feel so lost. I've cried so many times that I don't want to this time. I have some strength but just feel so damaged.
There is more to my story but this is it in short words. When does this start getting easier, I made the choice of leaving him, I feel half vulnerable of getting back if he comes around but I know it's just the same story 2 months from now.
Thanks for reading.
Xo
Ginger