49 days NC

And wondering what's happening with this life if mine'
I have two sons grown both just got out of prison'
Youngest back using drugs the oldest is with me in this town'
Giving me a hard time;
and of course I find myself trying to fix him'
I can't fix anyone this life of mine is a scrambles
Yesterday a friend called and she got to talking about the EXN asking question about the crazy things he did I had told her about ( she gets a big laugh out of the stories)
WELL I got to thinking about how bad he was back then'

He does some sicking stuff; Like sitting on the toilet eating soup'
Yes I had cooked home made soup he got a big bowl and went and took the bowl with him while he took a dump;
I could here the spoon scraping the bowl'
He would get mad at me and go into my living room with a huge towel and the tooth paste
and sit in there and slap his penis with the flat side of the tooth paste;
I heard it one night and came out of the bedroom and there he was'
I said what in the hell are you doing
He said he can't feel anything but the head of it because he broke his back ( which was a lie)
I think he liked pain;
One night during sex he got naked then went and got some carpet squares and put his shoes on and was standing there wanting me to back up towards him;
I looked and he was standing there butt Naked with a pair of shoes on;
How romantic is that

Yes I was only a sex object to him
GOD I must of been out of my head'
NO JOB HOMELESS and a NUT CASE:
Now looking at it; HE has a job ( BUT DONT WORK) just enough to get by;
He has a house ( Thanks to the little old man that owns it because he half pays the rent)
He eats good because I signed him up for food stamps'
I enabled him
I held him up every time he was losing it all; I came to recuse him;
No matter that he had cursed me left me and went with other women; cause me heartache; torment and grief;
Gave him money when he couldn't pay the light bill'
NOW how many women would keep helping a person like that while they treated them with no respect'
curse them cheated on them;
And in the four years I knew him HE NOT ONCE said I AM SORRY!!
he has no clue what that word is;
he always acted like he had done nothing wrong'
BUT I refuse TO help him any more'
I want keep cleaning up his messes ( while he would repeat the same thing)
that causes the mess'
whoever he is with can take my place and I thank God for her'
SICK of being a doorMat'
I GOT USED and all I got was him telling me lies about how he cant live without me;
SORRY for venting just stuff on my mind