3 months NC

This is my second time around going 3 months NC, and this is where I slipped last time. I know more so than ever to remain NC. I have to say this round is harder than last time but, I think I am finally facing my own issues, and trying my hardest to work on myself. I think perhaps this time my life is more stressful because I am student teaching, and trying to rid the rest of the negative people out my life as well. I am spending much more time by myself, and allowing the feelings to come and pass as they go. I still have horrible mind-numbing days, and then terrific days. This is the process. I still have bouts of CD, and I am trying to retrain my brain.

I am realizing that I have a lifetime of healing to do base on my childhood experiences. I have looked back on allll my toxic relationships with friends, men, family members, etc… and realized I allowed people to walk all over me because I always wanted to be there for them, help them, to please them. I’ve mentioned before I never had good self-esteem. Another aspect, I am trying dearly to work on, even though I know it’s not going to change overnight. I am trying not to take things so personally by any somewhat negative comment that is made to me. I am trying to let go.

Another, thing I realized this experience has brought upon is that I feel a bit paranoid, I guess. I pick up on things more than usual. I do not trust anyone, really. I know when someone is BSing me, and recognize red flags in other people that I would have never thought of pre-narc experience. I remember feeling this way the first 3 months of NC. This time I am going to allow myself to recognize, and as time passes hopefully will be able to handle negativity in a different way, and not get sucked in. We all know life throws us curve balls once in a while, and I am just hoping in the future I will be better prepared to handle things stronger than ever. I say hope a lot, because one thing for certain is the narc made me realize how afraid I am of my own future. I always have been which makes me a procrastinator, a dweller, wishy-washy, and a difficult decision maker. So I am trying to do one thing I am afraid of everyday; it can be anything as small as having a discussion with someone about music that I admire, to speaking up when no one else is and should be, and to start trusting my own decisions.

Also, I make sure I identify at least one thing I am grateful each day, even on the toughest days where I am lying in bed staring at the ceiling, or crying in a fetal position. (yes those days still occur, and I am sure there will be plenty more because I am finally facing very, deep rooted wounds, that actually have nothing to do with the Ahole that re-opened them)

Once again, I am grateful for this website and it has saved me, and propelled me to be better person!!! I read every day still, and my heart goes out to everyone!!!