28 mos later.....

well 28 mos later.... and I still think about goatboy....
shit it has been so long sometimes it feels like it was just part of my imagination ... sometimes I cannot remember his face which is a good thing because he is dead to me but his name is mentioned and I have heard his voice, it is a work thing, I cannot do anything about it but these are triggers and so I am dealing with all the memories ...
I guess if i felt love at home it would be easier but alas the problems that were there before are still there... why in the world would the arguments get worse after this long ... i guess husbands do not really forget and I feel that I will end up paying for the rest of my life...
Husband is also a narc because he does not care how I feel about anything.. my heart feels empty .. maybe this is the punishment for having an affair with a full blown narc... liar .... lowlife... and I could go on and on ... I am tired and I do not want my life to be containing this secret narc memory headspace ... and I do not want to make my kids go through what I did as a child... DIVORCE. I being the oldest have always been responsible for everyone else...and I feel trapped.. but this is my life ...
I feel like I have been forever changed trying to say what it is I need but never getting back what i need it falls on old deaf ears... and I am giving up on the thought of ever being desired again by my husband ...
I do not think I want that anymore anyway...
Narc's really mindf----- me
Another day I will be stronger but not on this day....