***25 Days ---NC--- 25 Days***

I can't believe I'm typing this.... 25 days NC!
Everyone here knows this has been a HUGE struggle. This is the most difficult thing I've done. I am not one to shut people out. It's not in my DNA. That's why the ST the NARC would frequently impose rocked my planet.
I still struggle everyday, many many times per day. I won't deny, I miss many things about him. But, I don't miss feeling physically ill about him and OW. I don't miss feeling like I'm trading my entire sense of self worth for mere crumbs of attention, affection and time from a NARC.
The blogs,postings and information on this forum have literally saved me from committing Character Assasination on Myself. That's what contact would be.
It would tell the NARC the following:
"Ha ha! Look at FreeMe, sniffing for more crumbs. I have her exactly where I want her, begging for more. I don't need to do ANYTHING, she'll ALWAYS be willing SUPPLY, poor pathetic thing..."

What's haunting are words he used to describe one of the OW I knew about... He ACTUALLY SAID, " FreeMe, I don't love her. She's not "THE ONE..." I don't love her like I love you. She is convenient. You live far away. She is willing to see me and sleep with me knowing I see other people. What does that say about her? She is hopeful it will turn into more, that's why she hangs in there. It's amazing to me how LITTLE some women are willing to accept in order to have a relationship... Sad actually...." (said those last two words in a drifting off sort of voice... Very creepy...

I was frozen after he said the above. I told him I felt badly for her because she would only end up hurt. He said, " Now you feel badly for the OW?" Again, a NARC would never understand EMPATHY.

I think what is bothering me today is HE was the one professing his "DONE-NESS" after I told him I couldn't do this anymore. (Ego, I know).
I could not accept OW, his lack of commitment, his lying, his selfishness, etc.
So, in his mind, I'm the big pain in his ass for not just going with the flow. I'm sure he's thinking, "Ahhh, FreeMe is just digging in her heels right now. I'll give her some time to cool down and MISS me, then I'll jump right back in...."

I WANT HIM TO KNOW MY SILENCE IS A CHOICE... I'm sure he thinks I'm waiting for his call... The only way he will know I AM DONE is when and if he tries my number and gets the blocked message. The only way he will know is
when he NEVER HEARS FROM ME AGAIN.

For all of us struggling, stay strong.

I cannot profess I am strong, because I feel weak.
I cannot claim to be healed, because I feel damaged.
I CAN tell you I am really beginning to accept he will NEVER EVER be different no matter who he is with....

We who have loved the DISORDERED did not do this to them... It has been, and always will be their way, not matter who they're with...

Love to all...
FreeMe