For those of you who are married, but were having an affair with a Narc...

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Feb 25 - 8PM
neverlookback's picture

I am sure glad you posted this

married 20 years and then along comes the psychopath - one thing is for certain; something was VERY wrong in our marriages for this to happen. Think about it if you were happy and content in your marriage would you have even THOUGHT about doing this even if a man showed interest in you and flattered you? I know I would not have. I would have said I am flattered but I am happily married and I would have been gone. I have been abused in my marriage, abused, ignored and never felt appreciated and I am not just imagining this, nor am I a woman who expects too much. My husband basically just filled his plate with the grub I cooked then went along his way. My sexual needs were never satisfied (and I am not a nempho) weeks, months would go by and he showed no sexual interest. I realize some men just dont have a high sex drive but his sex drive was ZILCH, I would plan a nice romantic night and get in my little sexy teddy and there he was snoring on the couch week after week after week - which is just ridiculous. My husband would say I was a fat ass - and I wore a size 8 REALLY? FAT ASS EH? I dont think that is the case, I think the truth being is YOU HAVE A PROBLEM PAL - some of his friends even use to hit on me and said I would never leave the house if I had a wife that looked like yours - It wasnt just the sex, I WAS and AM LONELY in my marriage and now its just as you stated, we are just room mates sharing the same house - my husband is a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE partner, never communicates, talks, never cares to know about my day, or share anything with me - Its as if he married just to have someone pop out a few kids for him, cook his meals and keep his house clean - he never took interest in me as a person, just slapped a role on me like I was a robot with no feelings or needs, and trust me my needs are few. and YES YES YES I tried telling him over and over and over and over PLEASE try to interact with me more, etc... even went to counseling but he has no clue and never will. All he cares about is his football and I am just there to serve him. I waited on this man hand and foot for 20 some years - I was a good wife, devoted wife, faithful wife, but it was never enough - I thought I had died and gone to heaven when the path entered my life - well I died, but I sure as hell didnt go to heaven, ha ha I was the PERFECT pickings for a predator Married and lonely- thats the way they like them; they will enter your life, give you romance and the passionate sex you havent had for 15 years and you will fall so fast under their spell you wont know what hit you. Truth being when all is said and done; my husband is an ass-hole with narc behaviors and then I became involved with the KING of them all - a psychopath - I saw the pattern trust me so I fixed it and figured out why I picked men such as this. BOTH are abusers - after the path I changed and I no longer tolerated abuse from my husband - my husband cant understand what happened to me and I am not the same person I was, --- THATS RIGHT I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON because I WOKE UP (my husband does not know and I will never tell him) but I WOKE UP to these sick abusers - so here I am still with an ass hole neglectful husband - ONE DOWN and ONE TO GO I guess - I dont know what to do x0
Feb 27 - 1AM (Reply to #12)
bgirl's picture

I can't go back. It was a

I can't go back. It was a monumental and life changing decision for me to be with the N. I agonised and battled with myself for 6 months before he won me over. This is what he wanted. Total destruction of my world. Of course my relationship with my husband had problems...we were not conscious of them. That combined with childhood target for a psychopath. I am 11 months NC and still reeling. I will say though my husband knew about the relationship from the start. I burned my bridges in order for him to be able to make informed choices about his own future, based on the truth. I have to live and die by the sword...that's just me. It is hard, it is painful. Reality is neither of them wanted me and I simply have no idea what lover a real family is meant to look like. So best of luck to you on your path forward....for me I can't be anything else but solo.
Feb 26 - 7PM (Reply to #11)
sharlenemorgan's picture

Thank You

me either. Thank you for being honest and I am not
Feb 26 - 1AM (Reply to #7)
dazed's picture

Very much describes my

Very much describes my feelings and situation as well. Within the the first couple of weeks with the N she said to me, " I didn't think we'd get together. I thought you were a devoted family man." Ugh. Family life a disaster. No support. No affection. But a lot of tension and fighting. My N, who I worked with, knew how miserable I was and very calculatingly seduced me. A mistake of huge proportions but given what I had been through for over 20 years, I understand that I had little ability to turn away the apparent perfect mate. Supportive, interested, sexual. Everything I wanted. At least that is what was mirrored to me. I think you are right. There was something dreadfully wrong with the marriage. If not, like you, I would have remain devoted to my spouse. Now to deal with the marriage. It is a long painful road.
Feb 26 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
neverlookback's picture

I want to say

It was NOT a good reason or excuse for me to cheat - If I had this desire with this person I should have gotten out of the marriage. Yes it was wrong for my husband to abuse me, YES I felt unloved and lonely but I should have corrected that long long time ago. Instead I stayed in the marriage and suffered only to fall into the hands of this predator. I was so damn lonely and wanted to be loved so badly - I felt dead for so many years from my marriage and guess who brought me back to life? a fricking psycho!!! I paid DEARLY for that and I wont make the same mistake twice - I would rather live alone than ever go through anything like this again. I DO take responsibility for my part in this - I was very vulnerable and weak and he predated on that - I have fixed that with hard hard work x0x0
Feb 26 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
dazed's picture

I feel the same. Word for

I feel the same. Word for word. Trying to sort out the marriage, pay attention to my kids and work on my personal issues are what I am focusing on. I feel tremendously guilty for not taking care of things in the proper order. Perhaps it can inject a little integrity back into my life, but I do realize that what happened cannot be undone and forgiveness to myself is a starting point.
Feb 26 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
Snowflake's picture

Maybe the marriage

is dead in the water..I am not saying stay under any circumstances..but as you know ladies when children are involved... Also its unfair to compare an affair to a marriage esp one with an N which is so artificial. You have one life.. Dont wait 18 months to work on the marriage, work on it now You need to be able to tell your kids/family whoever..hell I really tried with my marriage but it didnt work out.. You deserve that/your hub deserves that.. People split up..but I would hate you to have regrets..and hate that the N was part of that decision. x
Feb 25 - 7PM
loveofmylife's picture

yes, this is my story too. I

yes, this is my story too. I had a very long relationship with the N. He seemed to be the answer to my dreams. And my husband too is a good guy, I feel safe/comfortable all of the things you mentioned. I am 18 months after the final D&D from the Narc...which was incredibly cruel and brutal. It is funny how everyone mentions 18 months, because this weekend is the first time that I have felt that I have to resolve the issues with my husband. To be honest, for the past 18 months I hadn't really thought about my marriage at really has been about detoxing from the narc and all of the narconfusion. The CD that comes from dealing with a psychopath: the push/pull, Jekyl Hyde, mixed messages, manipulation, control, etc, etc. In the last 18 months, it has truly been detox and feeling a sense of peace, which I hadn't felt in awhile, and getting my life back in order. But now, for some reason, this weekend, it hit me, that I was healed from the Narc and need to resolve the issues about my someone who feels like a good roommate and nothing more. So I guess, to answer your question, based on my experience, I would say you are being wise to realize now that you will need to heal from the Narc first, BEFORE you can work on your marriage. Let yourself heal, get your mind back in order and your life back in order, and then you will be in a healthy place to make the right decisions.
Feb 25 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
Laughs Last (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

same here

unfortunately, some of the people that post on this site threw my affair back in my face as if in judgement - so I would caution all re: sharing something of this nature. In my last post - 2 woman on the site replied about taking vows seriously and how I should be checked for npd since i felt ok about having an affair due to my marriage situation - so be cautious regarding this topic here. I still think in my case it's not as harmful to my husband than abandoning him and many intimate friends of mine who know him agree. I stayed with the narc far too long to avoid dealing w the issues in my marriage. I am still not resolved, can't leave my marriage - my husband needs me. At one point he figured out I was having an affair but he basically doesn't push it because he doesn't want me to leave. Sometimes I wish he'd hit me or do something horrible to me to give me an out but he knows that so he's good as gold. Read "The Other Woman" - some interesting non-Puritanical American spins on the affair - for example, in much earlier times, tomes were written regarding how one's spouse was NOT to be one's love interest or sexual partner, etc. A college professor once said only Americans would marry or divorce over romantic love - Europeans would never split up an estate, family or fortune over that - they have discreet affairs and respect the spouse and family first. I make 4x the $ my husband makes and enjoy being alone, I could walk tomorrow and be very happy. He'd be destroyed. So for those who judge, I know for a fact that I'm being far kinder to him by discreetly getting what I need in my life instead of dumping him and leaving him to grow old alone. I always said marriage isn't about romance, it's about having someone around who'll call the ambulance when you've fallen and can't get up. Divorce also impoverishes. I say, if you're married to the person who'll change your adult diaper, stick with it - that's not what lovers are for! I will do that for my husband too - and be by his side any time he needs me until the day one of us dies. That's being a good enough wife, I guess. I waited years for him to be a lover to me - he's not interested and I don't think it fair he decide for both of us that we'll be celibate. I need physical intimacy, romance and passion in my life. Good luck to you, good luck to all of us! hugs ps - all this is because I'm old enough to hit menopause. If you're young, it may not be the answer for you, but whatever you decide, best wishes for your happiness!
Feb 26 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
sharlenemorgan's picture

thank You

Well said.
Feb 26 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
Hunter's picture


.. Guess what I made the comment about your marriage.. And guess what ? I have a husband.. I got married to him not because of the piece of paper the State of NY issued .. Because we choose to have a long lasting relationship together.. I betrayed him.. I'm now working on fixing it.. And that doesn't include remaining friends with a psychopath.. My narc was my highschool sweetheart .. my relationship was never closed ( well now I know why) You are still in contact with a man you had an affair with.. And you only remain friends.. I'm sorry that's mocking your husband.. In fact you have been mocking every single one of us.. You continue to do so.. Even your last post.. You have serious unresolved issues .. But instead of taking requested advice you turn it around back at us As for your Thearpist .. I'm sure your insurance pays him handsomely .. Our nonsense advice is free.. I guess you don't always get what you pay for You are in serious denial.. The lights are on but nobody's home.. Hunter Funny how you deleted us.. WoW we actually care but you maintain a " friendship" with a so called narc...
Feb 27 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
Laughs Last (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Hunter, your hostility and aggression seem strange to me and the insults are troubling. I'm certain you misunderstood my message because I was not calling advice nonsense or belittling anyone, whatsoever. You seem more upset than the situation warrants. I'm a stranger to you with a conflicting opinion. That is all.