For those of you who are married, but were having an affair with a Narc...

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#1 Feb 25 - 6PM
Needshelp
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For those of you who are married, but were having an affair with a Narc...

I have questions for you, but don't know where to start. I am probably way too early in the process to be thinking about this, but I can't help it. I can't speak for any of you, but in my case there are obviously issues in my marriage that led to my having an affair. I have been married for 18 years, but I can't say that I've ever really been happy with my husband. I feel comfortable. I feel safe. I feel taken care of. But I see my husband more as a sibling, or a Dad.

In spite of all that, I never before considered leaving him, or ending the marriage. I never even considered having an affair. That is, until I met the guy who brought me to this site. Not only did I have an affair with him, but I really thought I was going to leave my husband for him.

So now that I am trying to get over the N, I realize that I am going to have to deal with the issues in my marriage too. That seems so overwhelming to me! I feel like I've got 18 months (give or take) that I've got to live through to recover from the N relationship before I can even start to concentrate on fixing my marriage in earnest. I also have to hope my marriage doesn't sustain more damage in the meantime.

Anyway- how are all of you handling this? I am sure there are varying degrees of unhappiness in all of our situations, but I was wondering what you all were going through regarding dealing with your husbands while recovering from your Narc relationships.

Feb 28 - 7PM
bgirl
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:-/

Of course it is a very hard thing for you. It is your emotional and spiritual core in complete and utter turmoil. N said he would need me all the time. I chose not to go to stay with my children. I also chose to tell my husband everything. the entire truth...no censoring it all. I did this for one reason....to allow him the choice on how to spend the rest of his life, He can make his decisions based on the truth. The truth is I loved the N with every cell in my body and I know I have never felt that way about another living soul ever!!! Most importantly I have to wake up everyday with ME. I know i did the best I could in a horrendous, emotionally charged, morally and spiritually devastating situation. I hope you just find some peace whatever your outcome is. I am alone with my children. I have resigned from my job and moved to a place where I know not a single soul. I have to start again....but for me I knew the second I fell for him it was going to be him or nothing. I didn't know he was a psychopath.....so it was always going to be nothing. He just forgot to mention that bit..... All the best x B
Feb 28 - 8AM
Needshelp
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I am so glad you all

I am so glad you all responded to my question! Thank you! While I always knew I wasn't the only one going through this, it is comforting to see it and actually communicate with others going through the same thing. Not that I'm glad any of you are going through this! It was especially interesting to me that so many of us share similar stories. It helps me to feel hopeful that others have gone through this and are happy that they stayed in their marriages. I still have a long hard road, but I am so grateful to those of you who shared here, and offered me hope and encouragement. There is one thing that sticks in my head though, and I think it is a huge roadblock for me in dealing with this. My N always said that he was always acting the way he did because we were not together - because I had not left my husband. He said that if I did, he would be a different person. Part of me actually believes that. He was not like other N's on here who told extravagant lies and had numerous women. He was simply afraid of not having me, and he handled that the only way he knew how. The fact that that was abuse, manipulation, and blackmail was because that's the only thing he knew how to do. He learned it from his parents. I could excuse it because I didn't see where it happened in any other area of his life. It seemed like it was truly me and the situation. Can anyone help me with this? Thank you!
Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #70)
Hunter
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You are new at this..You

You are new at this.. You will lean the longer this goes what you believe to be true of him is all a lie.. My Narc.. Was never mean..he was perfect gentelman... He was afraid of commitment.. But the longer I'm out the more I realize.. He is no different than the rest of them I never thought there were OW, that he was a sexual deviant... A physical abuser..I now believe otherwise.. But they take from you however much rope you give them..I would never allow any of this bad behavior.. I would have run like the wind.. You see the idealization phase is not a honeymoon period at all.. Its a way to begin the process .. Idealization,devalue,discard. They are creatures from HELL.. Every single one of them.. Don't sugar coat it.. Let reality heal you. Hunter
Feb 28 - 5PM (Reply to #71)
Needshelp
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Thank you Hunter. I forget

Thank you Hunter. I forget that I am new at this! I like to think I'm on top of things. Clearly I am not. I trust you and everyone here. I am just waiting for the resistant part of me to get it!
Feb 28 - 9AM (Reply to #68)
Snowflake
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Sorry Needshelp

But thats bullshit coming out of his mouth. Afraid of not having you so he blackmailed and abused... He is an adult..I learnt how to do knuckle dusters from my dad..doesnt mean I knuckle dust everyone I meet.. Get that part of you that believes him to believe me instead :)hes a dick.
Feb 28 - 10AM (Reply to #69)
Needshelp
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Thank you! I need to keep

Thank you! I need to keep hearing things like this. This is a really hard thing for me...
Feb 28 - 9AM (Reply to #66)
Clear eyes
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Needshelp,

I don't know that I can help you with this, I can only share my experience. My N always said the only problems we had were because we weren't together. He said over and over again that once we were together we wouldn't have any problems. See, I would get angry or hurt if he didn't call when he said he would, and when I was facing issues and needed to talk to him, he was never available. It never failed. He always would say that when we were together, that problem wouldn't exist, and I agreed. What I've come to know is this -- it was just his way of keeping me in the game. I was, admittedly, a great source for him because, at the time, I truly believed he was the best person in the world. And I let him know that consistently. So, of course he was going to do and say everything to keep me. He knew my husband had difficulty acknowledging my feelings, so Narc was over the top with it. Acknowledging that I was hurt, apologizing for hurting me, telling me I had every right to feel hurt, and said, always, that he would try harder. And he would be better, for a few days. I made a bunch of excuses for him, too. But in the end, it came down to this -- it was all about him and his needs -- and he would do or say anything to have those needs met.
Feb 28 - 11AM (Reply to #67)
Needshelp
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Thank you for your response

Thank you for your response here. This is something that I am so obsessed with that I keep posing this question. Yes, like with your situation, in the end it was all about him and his needs. That's what I should look at.
Feb 27 - 3PM
Clear eyes
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I am amazed

at the vast number of similarities in all of our stories. I too entered the affair after agonizing with myself, saying Novenas every day to give me strength, praying all the time. And I still caved. I was weak. But, like most of you posting here, Narc entered at a time of my life when things were pretty bad. Our youngest child was born with special needs, and he fought for his life - literally - for the first 6 months. When he finally was healthy, I went back to work, and that is when Narc entered the picture. My husband I and were doing our best coping, but each found a different outlet. His was putting a 2-story addition onto our house, mine was, well, you all know. But, I've noticed in most of your stories the vulnerability, need to feel loved, need to feel needed, all things I was going through. I suppose Narcs are masters at finding the weakest prey at their most vulnerable time, and going for the kill.
Feb 26 - 5PM
Needshelp
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Well, it's interesting. My

Well, it's interesting. My husband has a difficult time expressing his feelings. I noticed last night, after I posted this actually, that something seemed off. Now today he has been avoiding me most of the day. He finally expressed that he is having major concerns about his job and our finances. This is something that always weighs on him, but I guess something happened at work this week that made him very concerned. I've never really seen him as down as I've seen him today. So the time for me to step up is now. He needs me. This is the kind of thing that really kills his confidence, and I'm sure that my distance this past year hasn't helped. So thinking that I would take 18 months to work on things with him is just not realistic. I was just feeling extremely overwhelmed (still am) and I guess, well, lazy. I'd have to say I'm scared too. I am not feeling too great about myself, so I think I'm doubting my ability to make anything work. Sorry, I'm rambling a bit. Thanks to everyone who has weighed in here!
Feb 27 - 2PM (Reply to #62)
Clear eyes
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NeedsHelp

Your story is exactly the same as mine, except my foolishness lasted 9 years. The Narc D&D'd me last January (2011) and stupidly, I went back in March, but not fully engaged. I couldn't bring myself to tell him I loved him, and I told him I didn't have the same dream of a future with him as I once did. And then, an odd thing happened. My husband, who thinks all doctors are quacks, had to have an amputation (little toe, not a big deal, but still...) and he needed me in every way possible -- for emotional support, to run the house (which I do anyway!), and organize his doctor's apponintments, medications, and wound care (not pretty, but I did it). I found myself thinking less of the Narc and more of my husband. We don't have a passionate marriage, but we're good companions, for the most part, and I really respect his honesty and integrity. I was able to remember all those things because I started really seeing the man I married 22 years ago. In an ideal world, I would have the passion, laughter, and fun I had with the Narc with my husband, who is by far a much better man than the Narc. I too had thought I would leave my huband for the Narc, but, I finally realized I could never hurt my husband or my children for the Narc. Thank God because now I would have nothing. Sorry, I'm rambling. It's just that I can so relate to your situation. What I'm trying to get at is this...your husband needs you, and that might be a blessing in disguise. My prayer for you is that he realizes how important you are to him, you realize how much you cherish what you have in your marriage, and that his job ends up being secure with no concerns. That would be the best scenario. Good luck, and keep us posted.
Feb 27 - 8PM (Reply to #63)
loveofmylife
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cleareys

I could have written your post! It is amazing how so many of these are the same. I have been married 23 years, Narc was in it about 20. After NC with the Psychopath, I really notice in my H (with whom I am companions with, no Passion) how he really is a person of true integrity. Honest, responsible, etc, etc. My Psychopath told me how much integrity he had, but when we were together on a daily basis I saw how that wasn't true, and how many pathological lies he had told me over the years. Like you "in an ideal world, I would have the passion, laughter, and fun I had with the Narc with my husband, who is by far a much better man than the Narc" Wouldn't this be wonderful!!!!!!! That would be the perfect world. But my Husband and I never had those things...so it is a pipe dream. And yes, I didn't leave my husband for the Narc due to the kids and what it would do to him, and thank god, for I too would have nothing right now!
Feb 27 - 10AM (Reply to #45)
neverlookback
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Question for you ladies

Was any of your x narcs better looking than your husband? I mean REALLY better looking? I am not a shallow person and even when I was single and dating I didnt go around looking for "Hot" looking men - it just so happen to be that the path was a EXTREMELY good looking man - like one woman expressed I would forget to breathe, every inch of him was perfect - I know what you are going to say; but he was ugly and sick inside right? Yes he was - and I am trying like hell to view him as ugly but hey he was a good looking man, he had beautiful hair, my husband is bald, he was 6'2, my husband is 5'9 - he had no hair on his back, my husband does, my husband looks like a monkey and this man looked like some greek goddess lover - I wish the path would have not been good looking - and I am very upset with myself that I cant seem to see him as ugly when I SHOULD x0
Feb 27 - 8PM (Reply to #61)
loveofmylife
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Fun Question

Yes, my Psychopath (narc, pathological liar, Dr. Jekyl Mr Hyde, push/pull gymnast) was/is drop dead gorgeous (now 52 and still getting hit on by 25 year old women cause he is still so gorgeous). The first time I met him - 24 years ago, I thought I was going to have a heart attack on the spot. He is a cross between Brad Pitt/Rob Lowe - and is still drop dead gorgeous with an amazing body as he played Ivy League sports and now runs and plays sports. Most charming man alive. But the killer for me, like the post below is that we INSTANTLY (red flag) connected on EVERY level: physically, emotionally, spiritually! I couldn't believe that the most gorgeous guy that I met in my life and the smartest and most charming - connected with and was attracted to MEEEEEE!!!!!! He told me he never connected with anyone like this and that our connection was very RARE!!! I'd never felt closer to anyone in my life - and I wanted out of my marriage immediately! (especially since my husband and I had no connection whatsoever - and I had just had a miscarriage in my 1st year of marriage - where my husband did not even go with me to the hospital! ugh!) Anyway - you know the story. The Psychopath strung me along for 20 years, and I finally find out he has tons of other women going on at the same time, and was manipulating me behind my back!
Feb 27 - 12PM (Reply to #51)
Alissa
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N: great body but that was

N: great body but that was it. He does not have a nice face, he looks old and wrinkly and his hair looks stupid, yet to me he was very, very attractive :-/ H: not very good looking either.
Feb 27 - 12PM (Reply to #52)
Snowflake
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I think its because

they are manipulative readers of people. They present the image of what you want someone to be so well that yes I think for most of it looks didnt come into it.. Laughs Last made me laugh with her description but shes right you dont notice anyone else in the room irrelevant of how they look physically.
Feb 27 - 6PM (Reply to #60)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

"The Enchanted Cottage"

When my X came home he was IT for me. 6'6" of the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on to ME. I thought he was a movie star and I loved ever inch of him. Until I came out of my "drug" induced fog. My 'love is blind" coma and he was just an average Joe who I suppose most would not look twice at him. He was MY Cary Grant in an auto mechanics uniform and work boots. My son's father was the best looking of my X's, a cross between Richard Gere and Kevin Cosner, women would come up to him and give HIM THEIR phone #'s and he could not hold a candle to my X in my eyes. Strange huh? On, occasion when the wind is blowing and the air smells as it did when he would pull into the driveway, I feel a twinge of: wouldn't it be amazing if he could have loved me as much as I loved him for just one day, what a truly combustable energy that would have been. Yes, and then I snap out of it and change the channel and say oh yes, it is time for me to fix my dinner and feed the dog. God bless, Goldie
Feb 27 - 12PM (Reply to #53)
neverlookback
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I guess

he wasnt as perfect as my mind remembers him to be; his posture was kind of slouchy and he walked a bit strange and he had she boobs, of course he is 55 years old and he has a pot belly and he had bucky sort of teeth - I am just writing this out - he was the WORST kisser I have ever kissed - it was like kissing a rock; he would always say, give me a kiss goodbye and I swear he never even puckered his lips NOTHING - I remember our first night - he had the worst breath I thought I was going to puke, I wish I would have had the guts to tell him to take a mint or something he must have eaten a shit sandwich for lunch prior to our evening date because his breath made me GAG - it was like kissing rotten eggs, ha ha I still remember that after all these years. It was quite awkward.
Feb 27 - 1PM (Reply to #58)
dazed
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This makes me ill

A nice testimony for the pro-celibacy crowd. NLB--you are hilarious.
Feb 27 - 2PM (Reply to #59)
neverlookback
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LOL

yes the pro-celibacy crowd, makes you want to take a vow to celibacy for life doesnt it? - If you can get past the GAG breath - he also had quite the nasty wrath of gas - glad the GF is experiencing all those little joys in between her passionate and exciting sexual experiences with him - bad breath, nasty farts mmmmm must be all that evil that festers within him - We all get bad breath and we all have gas - he was NOT this prince in a far away land he was just an animal disguised as one - the affair was not glamorous - it was toxic just like his farts and bad breath -
Feb 27 - 1PM (Reply to #57)
Hunter
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NLB

LOL
Feb 27 - 1PM (Reply to #55)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Neverlookback

And his bad points? ;)
Feb 27 - 1PM (Reply to #56)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

ha ha

His bad breath was a good quality compared to the rest, ha ha I get what you are saying!!!! Glad you had a good laugh at my the path's expense - I think much of my problem is I built him up so much in my mind and that if I would have lived with this animal on a daily basis the good looks would have faded REAL FAST - Thanks everyone for helping me see beyond the looks and at the reality - in the end the good looks is the least important x0x0
Feb 27 - 1PM (Reply to #54)
Laughs Last (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

thank you neverlookback

I cannot remember when I enjoyed a post so much. Laughing like this feels so good. Thanks for the gift!
Feb 27 - 11AM (Reply to #49)
Laughs Last (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

not sure

they're both pretty hot and actually look similar but I am very, very sexually attracted to the narc - it's in the eye of the beholder - the one man I adored most of all was bald, had crooked teeth and a big nose - but he was smart, funny, we clicked so well that when he was in a room, I saw no other man at all.
Feb 27 - 11AM (Reply to #50)
Snowflake
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Laughs Last

You have me laughing now..sounds a right catch !!!!
Feb 27 - 10AM (Reply to #47)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I don't think looks have much

I don't think looks have much to do with it.. Narc # 1 was very unattractive.. Butboy he could charm you.. Narc # 2 bald,just ok looking.. He was very handsome as young Man.. His negative lifestyle has not weathered well ., It's about them finding your weakness and perying on it., good looking adds to a successful mission.. Hunter
Feb 27 - 12PM (Reply to #48)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

I got the message from all three of you

That it probably was not the looks that was the real addiction for me but his ability to find my weaknesses and control me with them. It is so surprising to hear how many of the narcs were NOT that good looking but it was his clever clever skills that ensnared his victims .... So I should look on the other end of it ; here some of your husbands were better looking than the narc and if a marriage is bad good looks will never save it - x0
Feb 27 - 10AM (Reply to #46)
Needshelp
Needshelp's picture

My husband is very

My husband is very attractive. The narc? Overweight- obese I'd even say. For me, it was the emotional connection. That and the fact that he clearly desired me. Please don't think of yourself as shallow. You are not!
Feb 26 - 9PM (Reply to #32)
Winter
Winter's picture

Needshelp

I encourage you very strongly to support your husband in this difficult time. I actually disagree with the idea that in our situation (mine is identical to yours), we first need to take a detox cure and only then to work on our marriage. I think it needs to be done at the same time. At least for me: the NC and the very firm decision to break free from the narc did not work last year and I came back to him. This year, last May, when I broke up with him again, I decided to work hard on my marriage. And I mean it, HARD. Few months later, guess what? I succeded! I did it. We litterally renewed our relationship. Of course, we are not crazy passionate about each other. Who would be after 17 years spent together? But the Love and the joy to be together and doing things together is retreived again. And, please, trust me, I thought my case was hopeless. I understand and relate (relatED) to each single word you wrote in your initial post. And I understand the demotivation and everything... However, it should not stop you. Marriage is not a fact, it is a process... Love Winter