I am in so much pain - please help

Thinking of you today....hope you're feeling better! ~KG

I'm glad yoga helps you! It's good to have some type of exercise to relieve the stress of all this! I want to offer to you something very simple. Sometimes, we just have to ride through the pain, to get to the other side. You will have good days and bad ones. But, for those days that are bad. Feel the pain. Cry. Process it. But, know...that in order to get out of the pain, you have to go through it. I promise you. You will come to the other side, if you just keep taking baby steps THROUGH the pain. I had a terrible week, last week. Sat night was a meltdown. But, Sunday. Wow. Monday. WOW AGAIN. And today? I am seeing the other side, finally! And dare I say? I want him to find happiness. I pray he gets right with the Lord. I no longer want revenge. I no longer care if he hoovers or not. (hoovering isn't about us, anyways, but we sometimes want the hoovering, because we miss them and it shows us they care) I no longer care what he does. I want him to find happiness in this life. I'm telling you. Fight through this pain...and see it to the other side. This pain is temporary, as compared to all that awaits you. {{{{hugs}}}}

on this board that had a breakdown so to speak last night, including myself. THis is the anniversary of my mothers death and I he re entered my life 5 years ago this very day. You have written EVERYTHING I was hysterically crying about last night in my car, then I almost threw up I was so upset I could not catch my breath. But you have also given me a very enlightening moment here, this seems to be so COMMON in the aftermath of what they do, use us as whores so to speak as we are left heartbroken, shattered, knowing it was all a con, lie, ploy while they are off having a steady Girl in the wings, and we are left thinking SHE IS THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE and we were NOTHING. These men are nothing but sexual predators of the WORST kind, most are sexual addicts as well. There is NO REMORSE on their part for the wrong they done to others, for the deep violation of trust they come into your lives, promise you the world, rape you then leave you to die on the side of the road. They are love thieves, frauds and this is highly psychopathic in nature. Sweetie your letter would not have affected him in any way shape or form just as the many letters I have composed myself. We are on a long list of women he has done this to trust me. I have been NC for three months and NOTHING, not ONE attempt of contact, I finally just changed my number and said I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. In the aftermath I feel almost more destroyed than when I was still with him, because you see when our minds start to clear all of our greatest fears come to light, we have always known the truth I knew when I went NC he would let me go, I KNEW THIS, because I knew he was a psychopath and this is what they do, they are ruthless. Your pain is like my pain the UTTER betrayal of our very soul to only be used and violated to such an extent its impossible to grasp how such people exist. As I was making love TO HIM, he felt NOTHING for me as a person, he smiled, held me, whispered words of love but I was with a MONSTER. KNOW THIS honey who ever their significant others are they FEEL NOTHING in that respect too, she is also making love to a MONSTER, a social predator of the worst kind, she is nothing but a "whore" to him also and I believe that with all my heart, she is the whore that lives with him and we are the whores they cast away, ( I AM NOT CALLING ANYONE A WHORE ONLY IN THE SENSE OF HOW THEY TREATED US) We are ANYTHING BUT WHORES, and that is hard to undo because that is HOW they treated us. Please msg me if you want to reach out, I think we have to just heal and get past this slump - its another stage of realization that shocks us - this recovery doesnt not happen at once, it comes in waves, and stages and then we are left to process it and accept it and that takes time and lots of education. We have been so deeply hurt and violated but never never lose site of how truly wonderful you are and always have been, its still there hang on to it for dear life

Narcs are attracted to women who are attractive outside AND inside. Empathetic, kind, understanding, patient. He is profoundly disordered. It's not you. Any woman he has a relationship is going to be burned as bad, or worse. Please, please don't it personally. It will take time, but for heaven's sakes, it's not your fault. It will take a while for the slime of his narcissism to wash off of you, but it will. Last December, when my narc dumped me, without any warning whatsoever, I was nearly suicidal from the shock. It wasn't even the shock of what he did but how he did it. He severed all contact. He did this knowing that at the time I was preparing for my mother's death. So I sent him an email. It acknowledges a desire to communicate about what happened, but in no way offers him any hope of ever resuming a relationship. I also don't take any responsibility for what happened, because this isn't about me. It's all about him. It's all about his disordered emotional state, his lack of empathy. He is neurologically impaired. This isn't my fault, and to a certain degree it's not his. However, he can choose to limit damage to others. If he doesn't, he will face the consequences in this life. Trying to appeal to his sympathy, for what he did to me is futile. All of the sweet sensitivities that narcs display during the excitement phase of courtship are tied to limerance, and do not outlast it. You are furniture to him now, unless he needs you at some later date. As a person in your own right, he doesn't care if you live or die. It's a terrible thing to have to accept. I know it nearly brought me to my knees. The despair did nearly kill me. Rely on those here, send me a private message. If you want me to call you I have an international phone plan and I'll be happy to do that. Just realize your narc is like a leper who is missing the decency impulse, rather than his fingers and toes. It's disabling for him and an invisible malady, so it doesn't become apparent to others until it's too late and the damage is done to those who care the most about him. Please be happy that you are no longer involved with him. You will be almost vomiting from grief, but realize it will pass. Be patient and loving with yourself. It will take time to process the betrayal as it is at the level of the soul. There is deviance deception and parasitism going on here and in the most profound way. You WILL get over it. I intend to milk this experience for every oz of utility I can wring out of it. It will help me grow in compassion and in very specific understanding of victims of this kind of treatment. I will be a better person because of it. I'll be damned if I let this man have a long lasting negative effect on me. The same syphilis of the soul that subtracts from his personality is going to add to mine. I imagine there are many women here who start out devastated and end up stronger, happier and wiser than they've ever been. My email to the narc: Michael Dear, The past is past. If you want my forgiveness, reach out for it. You're probably in deep misery and may be as curious as I am about what happened and why. Even though it was your decision, do you even understand your thought processes behind it all? The way you discarded me, indicates to me that there is a problem--and it's not mine. There was far more going on here than you simply jettisoning someone you hated or had zero respect for. if you expected me to grovel and beg you to take me back, you don't know me. I wouldn't do that, because it would be asking for something you didn't want yourself. I just assumed you never wanted to see me again. Period. I tried to go back into our archive of correspondence to gain more insight about you and to try to put something together for the book we planned to write together. I got just far enough to reread "Into the Light", the narrative about your parents leaving you for a couple of weeks around your first birthday. It was such a random act of benign intent, but it had such a devastating impact on your life. I was able to cry not just for you but for me, for my mother, for being human. Having the floodgates pour through what had been a mostly tearless catatonic mourning, was such a relief. I feel a certain amount of sympathy for you now. Instead of gently closing the door on me, after telegraphing your intent, you slammed it shut, had someone lock it from the outside and then proceeded to booby trap yourself into a corner. You must realize by now, that although it may not have been your intent, you tortured the one person who was ideally suited to you, custom made for you, who loved you more than anyone else could. I'm the only person who can unlock the door but I can only do this upon your request. And the booby traps? It only takes one to create them, but often two to take them apart. One for experience, the other for perspective. For all my weird eccentricities and surface volatility I am remarkably stable and tolerant and I still care. I don't see a wretch who nearly killed me with grief but a man who is deeply troubled, lonely, who struggles to stay integrated against a backdrop of potentially mind threatening dysphoria. The cost of earning a phd in YOU has been really high. I have been angry at times, as you've noticed if you've read all of your email, but not enraged, or particularly vengeful. I didn't take your actions entirely personally. Had I concluded that you had acted with malice of forethought with the express purpose of harming me, toying with me for sport, I would have gone for your throat. I wouldn't be emailing you now. I thought about this very carefully for many months. I analyzed the situation from many different angles..and in a vacuum. Nobody else that I know, knows you, so I couldn't get that type of perspective. I didn't want to risk hurting you and any of your present positive relationships by contacting your friends. Had I concluded you were a sadist, who enjoyed the distant sound of my mind shattering like glass, I would have retaliated in commensurate fashion. As it stands now, I think you have a mental emotional problem, as you alluded to early on in our correspondence, almost 2 years ago. I think, as you said a few times, that you are broken and I am actually kind of sad for you. I reasoned that if you were a psychopath, you couldn't help the fact that you had no empathy. It wasn't sadism but a neurological glitch. I figured if you were anywhere near normal you would eventually be consumed with guilt and or remorse, so you would end up punishing yourself, in a pre NDE life review way. I was a worthy person before all of this happened. Now I'm truly radiant--and it's not the "in love" glow. I think it's the hosts of angels helping me. I stared down my worst abandonment fears and conquered them without going nuts, while my mother was dying. I don't know anyone else who could have done this in the manner I have and remained pliable in spirit, emotionally resilient and loving through it. You are so lucky to have had me in your life. I said it first, but you can be the next to say/write it. There, I've given you an opening line! Carpe diem.

I have to get it out. I am in such excrutiating pain, I cannot function. Thank you for not judging me. The words below may not make much sense, but I just started writing, a letter to him, of course I will never send it..... I am glad you let it out and at least here you will get a response. This is a safe place to share where you will not be judged. J, I am hurting more than you will ever know. I thought I was special to you. I thought I meant something to you. This is what we are all trying to get over. It is hard and difficult to grasp that someone could intercept our hearts and minds in such a stealth fashion with an agenda for self serving without the ability to feel or reciprocate. This goes against our grain, our core and severely discounts if not obliterates all we ever believed in humanity! We cannot get over the shock that such people exist. They do...unfortunately as we've all come to learn. It is a death and a mourning of all that we ever came to believe in...and we have to work hard to rebuild, come out stronger and then realize, that not all of humanity is dammed, just a number of psychopaths running around rampant and we need to shore up our ability to sniff these types out so we aren't taken again. How can you let days and days go by without even thinking about me, calling me, texting me. YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME...YOU ONLY WANT ME FOR SEX, SEXTING AND ATTENTION. I feel like a slut, whore, tramp and that you view me as such. What you are feeling is normal after such treatment, but it is not the truth. What you gave and how you decided to give it was based on what you thought was love with an individual capable of reciprocity...capable of feeling, capable of bonding. Because we have learned otherwise, our souls, hearts and minds feel betrayed and then we beat ourselves up and put ourselves down. We must not re-victimize ourselves. When two people are bonded, sex in all it's variety is a part of that relationship. We musn't feel ashamed for expressing our love in the sexual manner we did when under the "spell" for we had no way of knowing at the time we were being exploited. Perhaps accepting and appreciating that we can express ourselves freely and sexually is something to be happy about - the only downside was we engaged and got caught up with the wrong person... I don't feel love and care from you. You don't ask me about my day, you don't want to hear my voice or see how I am. You don't care. Why is this so fucking hard to accept? That you don't care. Of course you don't...what would a guy like you see in someone like me. This is where we need to do some work...first, there is a lot that he saw in you. It was quoted before: Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth! -Author Unknown I'm not special to you. I've always had the sense that I was one of many. BUT, you will soon start to feel special to you and that is the key to all this recovery work we do - so that when we have those feelings that something is not right, we will take measures to protect ourselves and get out if we don't feel that the relationship is meeting our needs rather than being attracted to and staying in some battle that we can't quite put our finger on but usually is based on some of our own issues we are trying to resolve from the outside rather than by looking in... Now I think I know I was right. And why her? WHY HER? Because she lives one mile away from you and it's easy and convenient? Because you need someone on your arm so you feel and look like a normal guy. Then go, go be happy with her and leave me alone. I have never, never felt so distraught over someone in my life. So rejected. So used. I feel sick to my stomach. Why can't I just forget you? All these feelings are normal, whether dealing with a disordered individual or just a jerk...rejection is not a good feeling, but we need to come to terms with the fact that NO one can give us our identitites or "validate us" completely...do we get validation from outside sources, yes, to a certain degree but the MAJOR validation has to come from us first...this is important as when other's opinions start to affect us negatively, we need to be able to discern is there some truth in thier criticism, or is this thier ISH they need to own and it has nothing to do with me so I'm not absorbing it... All of you, us, there is no us. I don't understand what you're doing to me and why I come back. For what? For a few crumbs? That's all you give me...but I still want it. You still want it because you are caught up in a bad cycle and it takes time to get out of it...it's habit...a BAD one...and like all habits they take time to break...and yes, maybe even trauma bonded to some degree...brainwashed, twisted...so it takes time to really disengage. How pathetic. What a pathetic loser I am. Of course you wouldn't love me, of course you wouldn't. How fucking stupid I've been. So much time wasted. So fucking stupid. Not stupid at all, I have yet to encounter one STUPID person here...VICTIM...? YES...Someone targeted?....YES...soemone that had no idea that folks like this exist?...ABSOLUTELY...someone who believed the lies because they were smooth as butter - they knew exactly what to say...UH HUH...YUP!...NOT stupid...not at all... Two years of hoping, wondering, waiting. For what? For what?? For the stringing along he engaged in...part of his master plan and manipulation...how could you know? I bet he said a lot of things that ate up your mind....made a whole bunch of promises...presented as too good to be true...that is what they do! Just tell me you're happy with her and you don't need me. MICHELE WILL TELL YOU HE'S HAPPY WITH NO ONE AND HATES HIMSELF! TAKE THAT TO THE BANK, THE CHECK WON'T BOUNCE~ Tell me. NO! This is where you are cloudy for sure...YOU HAVE THE POWER...he doesn't have to tell you...YOU TELL YOU and your silence which you have implemented tells him. THIS IS OVER and you are in control now...and this is a question you are answering for yourself. What are you telling yourself? You are telling yourself more or less: I have to realize this is over, dysfunctional, abusive and unhealthy for me. Let me go. NO: Rephrase....I am relinquishing control, I am detaching...this is goodbye... I can't do this anymore. NO! NOT I CAN'T...I REFUSE to do this anymore - it is harmful to ME... I just can't. No! Not Can't I JUST WON'T I hate myself, I hate who I am and what I've become. This will take time to overcome, but hate for oneself is very harsh...could be a reflection...could be you hate HIM...you could be disappointed in yourself, but we musn't be too harsh...we were targeted and victimized. You did not do this to yourself on purpose...we have to work on forgiving ourselves... I'm a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad friend. My business has suffered, my health has suffered, I've compromised my values...all because I wanted to be loved by you, a man who is clearly incapable of showing me love and valuing me. NO - you are just very very hurt right now and everything seems very dark and clouded. We may be ashamed of choices we've made that have in turn put others in the line of fire due to our unavailibility because we were under the spell - BUT WE ARE HUMAN and we make mistakes...we are not BAD... And at the end of the day, I think about you and want you to be happy and peaceful and content. And if you were, it would be so much easier to just let go. I need to let go. I think again, your happiness, peace and contentment needs to come first...and then you will be able to let go...you WILL let go. Hugs!

I'm in a much better place nearly two months post break-up. Maybe what dissipated my anger more than anything was indulging it a little. See http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/04/16/hes-just-not-you#comment-108446 for some of my shenanigans. Oh yeah, I also started a blog to write my feelings in at: http://soapergirl.blogspot.com/. Most of my anger is gone now. I feel at peace now that I've inflicted some damage of my own on the bastard. Another big help is doing lots of reading to understand the narcissist's mentality. They really are pathetic, but that doesn't excuse what they do IMO. Get out, do things, have fun. Enjoy humor: Here's a little something that makes me laugh, and which I shared with my ex N just to dig at him a little. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ih6W19KTlZo. Laugh, lick your wounds when you have to, but within limits. Look for diversions, keep busy. Give it time. It gets better! Life goes on and so will you. I think I can let him go now. Life is good!

Hey sweetie... OK first take a nice deep breathe for me. I am not trying to patronize you seriously. Take a deep breath. 2. THIS IS NORMAL. YOUR PAIN IS awful and it leaves you weak and unable to function. This is NOT your fault. The amount of twisting you have been through is physically and mentally altering. Your head is trying to untwist itself. You body is suffering the affects of the untwisting. 3. YOU ARE NOT BAD. YOU ARE NOT ALL THE NAMES YOU CALL YOURSELF. This is you looking for a reason. The only reason is HIM. NOT YOU. I promise. I have been where you are. I made it. 4. You cannot forget right now, you cannot hate yourself either. I know its easier said than done but I am telling you as someone who lived with these exact feelings you NEED to love yourself. 5. If a friend was hurting and couldn't function..would you yell and scream at her? Would you be mad at her?? would you call her names or shake your head at her. I really doubt it..... Look at yourself as your friend. Treat yourself with love and compasssion during this time. Treat yourself as respectfully as you would treat another. 6. I know you need to let go. I know exactly what you mean by this. As hard as it is to see past the tears and heartache right now, remember this is like a death. You are grieving. This is grief at its worst. 7. I hear you and I am out here. I hope this helps and keep coming back and posting. Everyone is lovely and will get your through these days. Just remember you are not alone and WE do understand. You are not "crazy or weak" you have been seriously harmed spirit and soul. Do not deny yourself that truth. love and light Hugs

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I feel for you....I could have written those same words not so long ago. Get it out, vent, cry....we are here for you. I'm so proud of you for venting here and staying NC. Try not to be so hard on yourself....you are HUMAN and you were TARGETED. (Michele's words that helped me so much) Have compassion for yourself. Time will heal, the fog will start to clear and you'll be feeling better soon. Sending you strength, peace and a big hug ~KG

i feel you sweetie, especially since you say she lives a mile away, mine too, the ow just two minutes away....sick huh....... i say why her why her, and then think why all the others over the past twenty five years, why.......why was i never enough.........so sorry youre in pain, i wish i could give you a big hug and tell you it will be ok, but only we can help ourselves, but nice to have someone to talk to........feel better xoxoxo you are not the only one, and hes lost out on you, remember that..........