Return of the High School Sweetheart (aka MONSTER)
I was only 13 years old when I first fell for my N. (I'm now 42) He was 15, but a charmer even then. So charming in fact, that within 3 months, just short of my 14th birthday I had lost my virginity. We dated off and on all through high school. We were both popular and funloving in high school. He was the quarterback of the football team and I was a cheerleader. We lived through the same cycle for my entire high school career. He would break up with me, I would always date someone else, he would let it go on for a period of time, but then would always eventually break it up. He would swoop back in to reclaim me, I would break up with the other guy (no matter how great the new guy was) and become completely devoted to him again. Naturally after a few months of Utopia, it would be another D&D, which would lead to me dating somone else and the whole cycle would continue.
Midway during my senior year when he was off at college, we broke up for what seemed the final time. I met a great guy (just so happened to be the new QB of the football team), but this guy was so different. He was kind, considerate, sweet, honest, nothing like the N, who was a total player. I think after 5 years of on again off again with N, I was drawn to someone stable. So we began dating and continued to date for most of my college years. N went on to marry his first wife (at the age of 20)and we lost touch.
My senior year of college I became engaged to Nice Guy. Meanwhile, N's first marriage had ended in less than a year. So after a 4 year break in all communications, he resurfaced. He showed up one day at my door and had come to get me back. At first I resisted, remembering what hell I had endured with him. My resistence probably lasted about a week and a half. He came at me full force...100 miles an hour with the charm and seduction. So naturally, I was sucked back in. We began dating, sleeping together and having the best summer I'd had in years. I broke off my engagement and shattered Nice Guy's heart. I settled into what I thought would be my future with my charming, fun, soulmate, first love, etc.
The D & D came out of nowhwere. It really seemed like just a D. Sudden discard. I was shocked and horrified. Couldn't believe he would actually break up with me when we were so "perfect" for one another. I cried my eyes out. I went to his house the day following the break up and actually BEGGED him not to do it. I tried to convince him that we "belonged" together. He of course was heartless and cruel... he was done.
Being 21 and stupid, I ran immediately back to Nice Guy, who welcomed me back and we resumed our interrupted engagement.
We married and went on to have 4 beautiful children.
So 19 years of peaceful but boring marriage later...
Thanks to Facebook, the N starts stalking me again. He had called me a few times over the years but we hadn't spoken in a good 10 years. He starts sending me inbox messages and reaching out to mututal friends. I ignore him!!! I have learned my lesson. Right? WRONG. I ignore him for several months but the more I ignore the more intensely he pursues me. I finally respond to him in a weak moment. Just a funny comment he made to me. For the next several months we exchange periodic messages, but I am strong and keep the boundary up. He asks for my phone numbers, I refuse. He keeps making remarks about how wonderful I am, how I "get" him, etc.
Well, one weak day last February I was in our old home town. (He lives in the midwest, I live on the east coast.)
On a whim, I tell him he can text me. Once I opened up that line of communication, I was gone. The seduction was legendary. He said all the right things. Filled all the emptines...sang the song my heart was dying to hear. He convinced me that breaking up with me was the biggest mistake of his life...I am his "soulmate", "love of his life", I am "it" for him, no one else he's ever been with is even in the same stratosphere, etc... I swallowed it all hook line and sinker. It was everything I had waited to hear. My 21 year old self crying and begging him was vindicated. I had been right, he now saw the light. We were both married, but we would find a way to reunite. His 3rd wife and current wife was a "dud", not nearly as smart as he is. Oh, and I am the only "estrogen based creature" who is as smart as he is. I, he declares, am "brilliant" (yeah, if that were true I wouldn't have fallen for his bs!!). So we talk/text several hours everyday. Morning, noon and night. He showers me with love, adoration and affection. I am so happy and alive and fulfilled. I feel like we are the luckiest 2 people alive, getting a second chance at the love of our lives. We have several amazing rendezvous in different cities, I file for divorce (once again breaking Nice Guy's heart over the same loser) , he moves out of his house and files for divorce (or so he said) and we plan to be married. Since my trust is shaky after the previous relationship with him, he works very very hard to earn it. I told him from the very beginning. I cannot be hurt by you again, so if you are going to bail on me again, do it now. "What? Oh my God..no!! I would NEVER leave you again! Are you kidding me? You are all I want in the world. You fulfill me in every single way..emotionally, mentally, physically. I will never leave you!!" Everyday he promised he would never leave me. Everyday he told me he loved me more than anything in the world. He was constantly telling me how "committed" he was.
Problem was that pesky wife. While I was doing everything out in the open, filing for divorce, separating from my husband, with no prodding from him, I began to notice that he wasn't moving as quickly I was. He started making excuses. He has 3 step kids. Most of the excuses revolved around them. "Timing" he said is important. He didn't want to just destroy their lives. All he needed was "time." We began fighting a lot. I started issuing ultimatums. If you don't leave then we are done.. He did leave. After 4 months of separation he still had not filed for divorce. Another ultimatum. If you don't file, we are done. So he "filed" Made up a detailed account of the day he filed. His plane was late, rushed to the appointment, got there 5 minutes late...the attorney stayed open an extra half hour and he signed the papers. I was so relieved. This was the one (haha) stumbling block we had faced and it was finally done! We could now move ahead without me pressuring him. He told me that his wife had the following Friday off work and he arranged to have her served that day because he didn't want her to be served at work. He asked me if I was okay with that. I told him of course, I didn't want her to be served at work either. I was just releived he was finally living up to his word. That Friday came and he told me she had been served. She was devastataed. I felt bad, but knew the whole marriage was a sham and he had been cheating on her with other women before me. (A fact he initally hid, but I later found out yet I still managed to explain it away.)
The Sunday after she was "served" he called me and out of seemingly nowhere...the D&D occurred. Again, it felt more like just a D. I was completely shocked!!! I think maybe he keeps his devaluing to himself. He told me that he went and told his wife about me and that the two of them were going to work things out. He later admitted that he had never actaully filed. He made up the entire story. The late plane, the lawyer staying open, her being served...it was all a lie! I was in shock.
WHAT???? He had me completely convinced that the marriage had never been anything real and he had no feelings for her. I truly never in a million years imagined that he would go back to her. It was inconceivable. I felt like I was dreaming and I would surely wake up and be back in my happy love affair.
It has been a little over a month since he discarded me and I have been through hell. First denial, then bargaining, anger, despair...I think I am finally moving toward acceptance. We have talked several times in the last month. I committed last Friday to NC, but he e-mailed me on Saturday. I did respond, but I was brief. I am still reeling over what this monster did to my life. I cannot believe anyone could do what he did to me. I now realize that he broke up every single relationship I ever had with someone else, including my engagement and my marriage. He has never committed to me, although he married 3 other women. He is insane. I am slowly coming back to reality after neglecting myself, my children, my house and my life for a year.
He seduced me and abandoned me. AGAIN. 20 years later. It is still unfathomable. My life is in shambles and he simply goes back to his wife. Resumes his old life as though nothing had ever happened. MONSTER