Smarterthanever's Story

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#1 Jan 25 - 2PM
Smarterthanever
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Smarterthanever's Story

Return of the High School Sweetheart (aka MONSTER)

I was only 13 years old when I first fell for my N. (I'm now 42) He was 15, but a charmer even then. So charming in fact, that within 3 months, just short of my 14th birthday I had lost my virginity. We dated off and on all through high school. We were both popular and funloving in high school. He was the quarterback of the football team and I was a cheerleader. We lived through the same cycle for my entire high school career. He would break up with me, I would always date someone else, he would let it go on for a period of time, but then would always eventually break it up. He would swoop back in to reclaim me, I would break up with the other guy (no matter how great the new guy was) and become completely devoted to him again. Naturally after a few months of Utopia, it would be another D&D, which would lead to me dating somone else and the whole cycle would continue.

Midway during my senior year when he was off at college, we broke up for what seemed the final time. I met a great guy (just so happened to be the new QB of the football team), but this guy was so different. He was kind, considerate, sweet, honest, nothing like the N, who was a total player. I think after 5 years of on again off again with N, I was drawn to someone stable. So we began dating and continued to date for most of my college years. N went on to marry his first wife (at the age of 20)and we lost touch.

My senior year of college I became engaged to Nice Guy. Meanwhile, N's first marriage had ended in less than a year. So after a 4 year break in all communications, he resurfaced. He showed up one day at my door and had come to get me back. At first I resisted, remembering what hell I had endured with him. My resistence probably lasted about a week and a half. He came at me full force...100 miles an hour with the charm and seduction. So naturally, I was sucked back in. We began dating, sleeping together and having the best summer I'd had in years. I broke off my engagement and shattered Nice Guy's heart. I settled into what I thought would be my future with my charming, fun, soulmate, first love, etc.

The D & D came out of nowhwere. It really seemed like just a D. Sudden discard. I was shocked and horrified. Couldn't believe he would actually break up with me when we were so "perfect" for one another. I cried my eyes out. I went to his house the day following the break up and actually BEGGED him not to do it. I tried to convince him that we "belonged" together. He of course was heartless and cruel... he was done.

Being 21 and stupid, I ran immediately back to Nice Guy, who welcomed me back and we resumed our interrupted engagement.

We married and went on to have 4 beautiful children.

So 19 years of peaceful but boring marriage later...

Thanks to Facebook, the N starts stalking me again. He had called me a few times over the years but we hadn't spoken in a good 10 years. He starts sending me inbox messages and reaching out to mututal friends. I ignore him!!! I have learned my lesson. Right? WRONG. I ignore him for several months but the more I ignore the more intensely he pursues me. I finally respond to him in a weak moment. Just a funny comment he made to me. For the next several months we exchange periodic messages, but I am strong and keep the boundary up. He asks for my phone numbers, I refuse. He keeps making remarks about how wonderful I am, how I "get" him, etc.

Well, one weak day last February I was in our old home town. (He lives in the midwest, I live on the east coast.)

On a whim, I tell him he can text me. Once I opened up that line of communication, I was gone. The seduction was legendary. He said all the right things. Filled all the emptines...sang the song my heart was dying to hear. He convinced me that breaking up with me was the biggest mistake of his life...I am his "soulmate", "love of his life", I am "it" for him, no one else he's ever been with is even in the same stratosphere, etc... I swallowed it all hook line and sinker. It was everything I had waited to hear. My 21 year old self crying and begging him was vindicated. I had been right, he now saw the light. We were both married, but we would find a way to reunite. His 3rd wife and current wife was a "dud", not nearly as smart as he is. Oh, and I am the only "estrogen based creature" who is as smart as he is. I, he declares, am "brilliant" (yeah, if that were true I wouldn't have fallen for his bs!!). So we talk/text several hours everyday. Morning, noon and night. He showers me with love, adoration and affection. I am so happy and alive and fulfilled. I feel like we are the luckiest 2 people alive, getting a second chance at the love of our lives. We have several amazing rendezvous in different cities, I file for divorce (once again breaking Nice Guy's heart over the same loser) , he moves out of his house and files for divorce (or so he said) and we plan to be married. Since my trust is shaky after the previous relationship with him, he works very very hard to earn it. I told him from the very beginning. I cannot be hurt by you again, so if you are going to bail on me again, do it now. "What? Oh my God..no!! I would NEVER leave you again! Are you kidding me? You are all I want in the world. You fulfill me in every single way..emotionally, mentally, physically. I will never leave you!!" Everyday he promised he would never leave me. Everyday he told me he loved me more than anything in the world. He was constantly telling me how "committed" he was.

Problem was that pesky wife. While I was doing everything out in the open, filing for divorce, separating from my husband, with no prodding from him, I began to notice that he wasn't moving as quickly I was. He started making excuses. He has 3 step kids. Most of the excuses revolved around them. "Timing" he said is important. He didn't want to just destroy their lives. All he needed was "time." We began fighting a lot. I started issuing ultimatums. If you don't leave then we are done.. He did leave. After 4 months of separation he still had not filed for divorce. Another ultimatum. If you don't file, we are done. So he "filed" Made up a detailed account of the day he filed. His plane was late, rushed to the appointment, got there 5 minutes late...the attorney stayed open an extra half hour and he signed the papers. I was so relieved. This was the one (haha) stumbling block we had faced and it was finally done! We could now move ahead without me pressuring him. He told me that his wife had the following Friday off work and he arranged to have her served that day because he didn't want her to be served at work. He asked me if I was okay with that. I told him of course, I didn't want her to be served at work either. I was just releived he was finally living up to his word. That Friday came and he told me she had been served. She was devastataed. I felt bad, but knew the whole marriage was a sham and he had been cheating on her with other women before me. (A fact he initally hid, but I later found out yet I still managed to explain it away.)

The Sunday after she was "served" he called me and out of seemingly nowhere...the D&D occurred. Again, it felt more like just a D. I was completely shocked!!! I think maybe he keeps his devaluing to himself. He told me that he went and told his wife about me and that the two of them were going to work things out. He later admitted that he had never actaully filed. He made up the entire story. The late plane, the lawyer staying open, her being served...it was all a lie! I was in shock.

WHAT???? He had me completely convinced that the marriage had never been anything real and he had no feelings for her. I truly never in a million years imagined that he would go back to her. It was inconceivable. I felt like I was dreaming and I would surely wake up and be back in my happy love affair.

It has been a little over a month since he discarded me and I have been through hell. First denial, then bargaining, anger, despair...I think I am finally moving toward acceptance. We have talked several times in the last month. I committed last Friday to NC, but he e-mailed me on Saturday. I did respond, but I was brief. I am still reeling over what this monster did to my life. I cannot believe anyone could do what he did to me. I now realize that he broke up every single relationship I ever had with someone else, including my engagement and my marriage. He has never committed to me, although he married 3 other women. He is insane. I am slowly coming back to reality after neglecting myself, my children, my house and my life for a year.

He seduced me and abandoned me. AGAIN. 20 years later. It is still unfathomable. My life is in shambles and he simply goes back to his wife. Resumes his old life as though nothing had ever happened. MONSTER

Feb 6 - 11AM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

smarterthanever

Your story brought me to tears..they are such evil creatures and master manipulators - they can cause us to do things we never thought possible- because we are addicts. You are obviously going through hell right now.. I would really like to be of support to you. If you'd like, will you contact betty, I'd like to be a phone support to you if you feel like you need it from someone who totally understands what it is like to be charmed and seduced by these charmer/ manipulators - and struggling with what to do with a stable, solid marriage that has felt empty.
Jan 28 - 2PM
momoya
momoya's picture

just like me

we have very similar stories only in that my old sweethear from 20 years ago returned, but i would never have any communication with a married man, so he convinced me he was divorced, when he wasn't. It is incredible the lengths they will go to in order to get their supply and they have no conscience about who they hurt or how they operate. I was in a state of suspended disbelief for about 2 weeks after I learned he was married. By the time his 3rd OW contacted me - I live across the nation from him, what a feat!- I learned that he is a patho liar and serial cheater. Truley, if not for all the lies he would of never got me.In order to get me he had to lie and pretend, absolutely revolting to me now. He makes me sick.

momoya

Jan 26 - 6AM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Deceit

What amazes me about these guys is the layer-upon-layer of deceit they operate. The whole story of the signing of the papers, etc. I have been rather lucky. I have met both his first ex-wife (me=2nd) & the woman who replaced me the day I walked out on him. So I have been in a position to compare HIS manufactured mythologies with the reality as lived by the woman with him at that moment. It's very frightening & downright creepy. I promise you. You still do not have the truth or even something close to the reality. This man is still lying. You have no idea what is happening with the wife. You must go NC totally. The layer-upon-layer of deceit these men operate is beyond belief. You & your involvement is only a tiny part. There may be other women, or other scams, running at the same time. The layer-upon-layer of deceit mine operated upon was unbelievable. Telling a different story to each person depending upon what he was trying to extract & what he deemed necessary to get what he wanted.
Jan 26 - 6AM (Reply to #19)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Supply

You are also a classic lifetime supply. Been there since the very beginning in high school. You have always come back. Always. I promise you, he will be back. In 5 minutes or five years or 25 years -- he will return. Don't be fooled again!
Jan 25 - 8PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

My story is not posted but

My story is not posted but I'm sure you have read some of my posts my story almost exactly the same just throw in the loss of an unplanned baby and the exception that I did not leave file for divorce. Its all pretty much the same. Fb is evil. Same scenario only he is not married. He came back all these years later to destroy me as if he hadn't done enough damage the first time. Mine broker me up with my long time boyfriend who was within weeks of proposing. After the final break with the n I met my husband and we married in the same year we met when the n heard I was getting married and three weeks before the wedding he was on the phone supposedly to wish me well but see if we could have dinner. I didn't go. You sound like you doing well considering. My marriage is still intact but its been six months and I am still a wreck but getting better. Btw I am 43 there is something about the age 42 there are tons of 42 year old women on here. The pain is so bad and deep when they do this to you multiple times wit5h years in between
Feb 14 - 6PM (Reply to #17)
realitycheck
realitycheck's picture

Such True

I can't believe how similar my story is to all of you on this post. How does this happen to intelligent, caring women? It's freaky there would be so many of us with similar situations with the same type of sick Narc. I'm just going through the discovery period and he doesn't even know I'm on to him yet! I hope I have the strength to walk away.
Jan 25 - 8PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

My story is not posted but

My story is not posted but I'm sure you have read some of my posts my story almost exactly the same just throw in the loss of an unplanned baby and the exception that I did not leave file for divorce. Its all pretty much the same. Fb is evil. Same scenario only he is not married. He came back all these years later to destroy me as if he hadn't done enough damage the first time. Mine broker me up with my long time boyfriend who was within weeks of proposing. After the final break with the n I met my husband and we married in the same year we met when the n heard I was getting married and three weeks before the wedding he was on the phone supposedly to wish me well but see if we could have dinner. I didn't go. You sound like you doing well considering. My marriage is still intact (my husband knows nothing of this thank God) but its been six months and I am still a wreck but getting better. Btw I am 43 there is something about the age 42 there are tons of 42 year old women on here. The pain is so bad and deep when they do this to you multiple times with years in between. Any chance you and your husband could work things out again? Would you want to? What did your extended family think about all of this? Gosh this story is just gut wrenching to read. I think because it so could have been me. The Narc from the get go said that he wanted me back with him and even said sick of it I want you to divorce your husband but I dont think you will. He too started with the whole we need time to work this out. He said sick of it its so important that we make the right decisions this time its not just us to consider other people are involved (as if he were just so concerned about the effects the is would have on my family). He said this could drag on a while but I will wait as long as it takes. I must say I entertained thoughts of it but I think I knew deep down inside I wasnt going to do it and he knew it. He often said this is so risky for me. I only figure there is about a 10- 20 percent chance you are coming back. He also said "sick of it what if one you just dont take my calls what I am supposed to do?" Guess what that is exactly what he did to me. You see they leave you little clues about how its all gonna go down. I just didnt put them together. I feel for you as your story is so similiar to mine. If you ever need to talk let me know Betty can provide you my email info or you can also contact me on the new site. Im there too.
Jan 25 - 6PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Good girl, Don't let him

Good girl, Don't let him take you down.
Jan 25 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I have the same story. Only

I have the same story. Only difference is I was cut off before I took the final step out the door. My husband doesn't know and I'm working on bettering my marriage. I'm Soooo sorry for you. Things happen for a reason. Pick yourself up brush yourself off and find yourself. It's all you can do. Once you find the light within you will begin to heal. Never speak to this man again! Never! Stay here read and learn. I will say a prayer for you today and everyday till you recover. You will recover. Hugs Idealk
Jan 25 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
rochkevin
rochkevin's picture

When these guys d&d you,

When these guys d&d you, what do they say? LIke as in never want to see you again, dont call me, dont email me, or what???
Jan 27 - 11AM (Reply to #12)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Oh how I wish he would have

Oh how I wish he would have said don't call me or emai me. But no no no that would offer closure and guess what? If they told you that you might actually stop contacting them and they don't want that oh no they want you to keep providing them with their precious supply while they go out and cultvate new supply because they know you will eventually grow tired of their wacko behavior and they don't want be caught without a rich source of supply so they give you just a tiny bit of hope like doing things around your house while you aren't there that he doesn't have to answer any questions but it will keep you on the line just in case he needs you
Jan 27 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

When they say "don't call me"

After I declared my love to the ex-Psych professor after 4 years (I was a senior, not that long before graduation), he told me to NOT call him at home... but that didn't rule out calling him at work. He did have an office number. Well, my interpretation is that he said "don't call me at home"- 1)His girlfriend had moved in. He would've had to provide explanations and closure. Why would he want to do that? 2)He REALLY wanted me to call him at home so he could hear me desperate&upset. 3)So that I'd call him at work and he'd still have NS. I called him ONCE my senior year... and never called him again. After the final D&D and meeting the girlfriend, the ex-P was practically begging me for my new off-campus address and my new phone number. All I would say is "I'll be living in town." It wasn't a small town. It was a big city.
Jan 27 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Mine was another situation

Mine was another situation that was just a D - discard. He just started pulling away. It would take him days to return my call. He avoided every suggestion of getting together. When I confronted him and asked what was going on, he insisted everything was fine and he was just "busy." He still kept doing things for me in the meantime, which was what confused me so much - he wouldn't see me, wouldn't talk to me, but he'd voluntarily check into things and do stuff around my house for me while I was at work. Within a month, he had just disappeared altogether with no explanation. He would resurface periodically via text, suggesting we get together and do something, but as soon as I responded and agreed and tried to set a time, I'd get no reply.
Jan 27 - 4PM (Reply to #10)
daisyme
daisyme's picture

mine blamed me

while I was out of town to help out a sick family member, mine started a relationship with someone else and moved her in (to the same house where we were living). he still denies it 7 months later. instead, he blames me for leaving him (and for just about everything else). he is so twisted he finds reasons to blame me for why he ignores all my calls (even though its okay for him to call when he needs something) and for supporting him all these years. he's done this before (12 years ago, then again 10 years ago to get married to wife2 whom he later divorced), but it seems like he's honed his finely-crafted N skills. This latest disaster seems to have an air of finality to it as he has gone NC on me. Maybe its b/c he owes me alot of money that he's disappeared. I'm new to this forum, but after reading some of your stories, it blows my mind at how utterly delusional and destructive Ns are.
Jan 25 - 4PM (Reply to #7)
Smarterthanever
Smarterthanever's picture

Mine said a number of

Mine said a number of things, all true to Narc form. He blamed me. Saying I was too controlling (because I demanded that he leave his wife.) He also made it seem like a noble act, sighting his relationship with the stepkids and God. I pointed out that he had a relationsh wiith God and the stepkids BEFORE he pursued me, seduced me, promised to marry me and otherwise destroyed my life and if those relationships were so important to him maybe he could have skipped the whole ordeal in the first place. Also true to Narc form, even while dumping me he maintained that he could never live his wife the way he loves me etc and that "this chapter is ending for us, but the book is not." He definitely wants to keep me hanging on for when things dry up again with the wife. He told me just the other day that I still "have a grip on him" This is why NC is crucial for me. He still wants me and the wife. YUCK!!!!!
Jan 25 - 4PM (Reply to #8)
rochkevin
rochkevin's picture

Mine said we could not hook

Mine said we could not hook up again. He cant do that anymore, he loves the other person and in fact he never wants to see me again. Any of your Ns ever say that and still looks you up in the future? Because i feel that my N is done with me and i will never hear from him again. That way i wont have to worry about NC because he has already done that to me. Im not watching my back, checking to see who calls i just pick up, but if i think he might sometime reach out to me, i will want to protect myself. Any thoughts???
Jan 25 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

They cycle every 3 to 6

They cycle every 3 to 6 months. He'll be back. Mine sent me an email saying Happy New Year I hope you are well, let's chat soon! WTF? He shut me out for three months. I deleted. The D&D " sex is just sex" "you thought we were having a relationship" "you are making up in your head what you want this to be" " you are trying to change me" and my favorite " we are just friends"this is the same person who asked me to leave my life for him, called me 5 times a day. Text me every morning & night "I Love You" ! Sick puppy, I truely hate his guts." Hope all is well" right, I'm on anti depressants I see a therapist once a week, and I almost lost everything I have. Believe me I have a lot. Yeah I'm great! I really am better. I will never respond to him again and that my friends is a promise. He can live his loser life how he chooses. Don't want to change a thing for him. Stay away ladies and stay the NC course. You will survive Idealk
Jan 25 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
Smarterthanever
Smarterthanever's picture

Return of high school sweetheart

Thanks idealk I m so sorry you went through the same thing! How is the marriage work going? My divorce will be final March 21. My husband knows everything, but is open to working on the marriage for the sake of the kids. We are going to counseling, but the therapist says the affair is a symptom of a bad marriage, not a cause. I'm really not in love with him at all, but considering staying because he IS a good person (especially compared to the Narc) and we do have 4 kids and are very financially tied together. I am in individual counseling as well trying to sort it al out. Is your story posted on here? Hugs back!
Jan 26 - 6AM (Reply to #5)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Not In Love

I am no expert here. However, what is love? Well, there is the grand sexual passion which is the subject of song & literature. Then there is the growing in love which may be a long slow process evolving over a lifetime of being there for another & raising a family together--which is a harder & a more profound form of giving of oneself. There is a French joke about the peasant who says the real man makes love to the same woman everyday for a lifetime. The point being is much easier to have a new woman everyday.
Jan 25 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

My story is here! Ask

My story is here! Ask yourself the question " what is love" ? I think your therapist is wrong.Sorry therapist. My marriage is and was a good one. What i have with my husband is love. What I had with this jerk was infatuation. I never had closurefrom the past. These narcs are master manipulators, I wasn't very interested in him, he pushed and pushed until I caved. He new exactly how to play me. In fact I am strong, secure and confident. I never would have given him a second thought had he not been part of an open past. He figured out how to get to the core of my soul. Work on what you have that is good. He is the devil! I will never give into this predator again. To be honest I do still miss him from time to time but I will never feel a pian as such due my own stupidity! Be strong Idealk
Jan 25 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Smarterthanever
Smarterthanever's picture

I too am strong and

I too am strong and confident. N was always comparing me to his wife whom he portrayed as stupid and incompetent in every way. He said he was drawn to how smart and capable I was. Sad thing is he diminished me to a weak, lost, crazy woman who is also now on meds and in therapy twice a week!! He came and destroyed that which he "loved". No wonder his wife is a mess too. I know who I really am though. I AM strong, smart and competent. I will get over him and I will come out on top in the end.