20+ years / Please help

I gotta get some of this out. I have not posted parts of my experience before this...because it's simply been too painful...but here goes what I can manage today to start.

I was with my N/P for over 20 years.My situation is a bit different than some here. My N/P tried to kill me.I think I've harbored shame and guilt for what happened to me.

I don't know how to move past this. I have PTSD.

For years I suspected that there was something not right with my ex. As time went by..I was so busy with life. I had so much to do. The ex did nothing but go to work and back. He contributed nothing more, no thoughts, no problem solving, no effort. I thought I was managing in a bad marriage.

I really thought I was surviving ok. I got sick in '06 and couldn't do as much as I had done before..this is when things went horribly wrong. One minute I thought I was dealing with a selfish jerk and then I found out who I was REALLY living with.

He was harming me when I was ill...He was keeping me from sleeping. He refused to feed me. He was screaming and yelling. Complaining about his needs. Shaming me and guilting me. He was suffering because he had to do laundry or buy food. I went into shock.

He kept trying to harm me...I became very concerned and afraid.
I was weak and he was making me weaker. He said he cared but his actions became increasingly aggressive. My plan was to get better and leave him. I found out hidden things about him and I told him I knew.I told him I knew there was something wrong with him. I kept trying to rest and get better and he wanted me weak. It made no sense..he was complaining about what i wasn't doing..yet he kept me from getting better SO I could do things. I really became confused. I rarely slept I and just got weaker.

What I didn't know was that he was secretly planning to get rid of me.. I had brake failure on my car and then another, and so did my son.WE both had tire issues on our cars as well. He got on top of me when I was sick and cut off my air and pushed down on me so hard I thought my neck would snap. He was supposed to be helping me. We had not been arguing or fighting. This happened several times.

I know I'm lucky to be alive and I know I lived with a N turned Psychopath. I'm not ok...I'm alive but only alive..I'm not really living.

before this he did so many things that didn't make sense. Played so many games.Gaslighting, constant lies, triangulated. smear campaigning all of the usual N games.I had no clue that he was conscienceless at the time.

I am crying...typing this. I had to get some out.

I am still in shock...My N turned P..I'm not ok.

I suffered from chronic insomnia for 6 years and now I'm sleeping sometimes 4 hours. I dream now but have nightmares regularly.

There is so much more to tell. I have read and read before I found this site and then read everything I could here, as this place focuses on healing. I know all about the disorder...and I keep reading. I've seen it first hand as well.
I have days when I feel like I'm stronger and then BAM
I have such painful flashbacks..and never know when they will surface.

My question is...is there anyone here that has experienced anything like this? How are you doing? I've made some progress but I feel like IT will never go away.
What besides the steps will help?
If anyone here has dealt with a psychopath and PTSD..I'd really appreciate ANY help or guidance. The flashbacks are ruining my life. My memories cause intense pain and fear.
I made progress after my time with Goldie and she was the first to say that my N sounded more like a Psychopath.

ANYONE? MODS? Goldie?