I just can't quite wrap my head around it all. A big part of the RL with him was the fascination of trying to figure him out. I sort of liked the fact that I never really could, if that makes sense, as it was atypical for me.
I didn't find this site and really figure out what he was until I decided it was all over. This is my first experience dealing with him knowing what he is. I'm trying not to feel sad for him, but I do. I know where it all came from and why he is like this. It's just so pointless...
Disordered = broken!
There are solutions to most problems. The problems with a narc relationship can't be repaired or worked through even with therapy and even if both parties are willing to look at all of the issues. That is the part that is hard to get our heads around. Did we want it to work, did we want it to be real...of course we did.
I relate with your piece about figuring it all out. I always wanted to figure it all out, thinking that with that knowledge I could have a good relationship with her. Perfect supply host is what I was. When you dig down to the very bottom with these narcs, you find emptiness, a compass that is always spinning. No real direction or meaningful goals. They say they want certain things, but they don't. Their actions prove that out.
I was deceived by the mask, and was willing to hold onto the magical illusion that it was real. Knowing that it was never real hurts, but not as much as trying to pretend it was real and convince myself that I should try to make the unreal real. That will keep me permanently unhappy. Walking away and learning that temporarily lonliness and suffering is the best long term decision.
Since we now know it will never work for us, now is the best time to move on. I am so glad to have this site to keep me strong and committed, and remind me that sanity is much better than fantasy.
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I just can't quite wrap my
Disordered = broken! There