2 steps forward then 1 step back

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#1 Dec 27 - 3PM

safyre99

2 steps forward then 1 step back

I've been feeling pretty down today and been thinking about exN a lot. I was dreading Christmas but Christmas Eve and Christmas Day ended up being pretty good days... I thought about exN but I was able to still be in pretty good spirits. But for some reason today I've been near tears and I keep thinking about exN and his new girlfriend and what they did for Christmas and what they'll do for New Year's Eve and how I'm sure he's treating her better than he ever treated me. And, that he's moved on and doesn't even think about me at all, and here I am constantly thinking about him. It's not fair! Surprisingly, I was doing better during Christmas. :-)

I feel like I took a couple of steps forward and now I've taken a step back. I know this is a slow process and I'm not going to get over him or heal quickly, but I'm tired of always missing him and having him on my mind constantly, especially since he doesn't deserve my time, emotions, feelings, thoughts, love, etc.

Even though I know I'll never be able to figure him out and know why he said the things he said and did what he did, I still analyze everything and still feel if I had done or said things differently he would have been different and wouldn't have broken up with me and want to go with the OW. I kept trying to make him happy and to be interested in the things he was interested in, even though he made no effort with me.

I think someone else mentioned in another post about closure. I feel like I didn't have closure... I have so many unanswered questions. I'm hoping that in time he won't be on my mind as much, and I won't care about trying to figure everything out... I'll be able to put him where he belongs... in the past and I'll be able to move on!

But, I don't feel alone since I've found this forum. Thanks to all of you for being there!!

Hugs,
Safyre99

#2 Dec 30 - 1PM

Briseis

Check out this thread

http://www.vainencounters.com/forum/2010/12/28/today-sad-day It's on page two by now, but it's about the administrator Betty2020's exN and his "new woman". He never laid a hand on Betty. Still all these thoughts and feelings you are having are SO normal, par for the course in the early days and weeks. Even so, they are completely untruthful and wrong. They are just fears, not truths. You gotta keep up a conversations with yourself inside about this. I wish there was a quick way to just delete these very troubling feelings :( I think Betty had HERS deleted pretty fast :( on top of that, there's this poor woman who's life is in real danger. If the Narc isn't violent physically, it's another poor woman who's soul is in real danger, just like ours was.

#3 Dec 30 - 9AM

Scoop

Im so glad youre christmas

Im so glad youre christmas was ok , thoses days when the obssesive toughts are low are a real blessing . It dose feel like a long struggle of 2 steps foward and one back and those bad days with endless questions and thinking and crying drain you like nothing else i have know . The importance of writing it all down and keeping a jornal can not be stressed enough , write down all the terrible things he did and said , how you felt , it can kept being added too as youre memory becomes clearer and out of the fog bit by bit . But things do get better and after a few months of no contact thoses days of sobbing get fewer and fewer , after a while you get a sence of healing as you look back to how you where at the begining , it takes time thats all but when you are healed my goodness what change you would have been through , how wise you will be . Keep strong and big love xx

#4 Dec 30 - 12PM (Reply to #18)

safyre99

You're right Scoop

You're right Scoop that the days where the obsessive thoughts are minimal are truly blessings. I know I get nowhere when I try to figure him out and come up with answers. I have to just resign myself to the fact that I'll never have answers and I'll never understand. I haven't kept a journal but that's a terrific idea. And I do look forward to the day when the hurt is less and I'm not crying any longer. He's not worth my tears! Thank you everyone for your encouraging and helpful comments. It means a lot! Hugs, Safyre99

#5 Dec 30 - 7AM

lilybart

It's not any better with her!!!

I read your post and my heart breaks for you. I dated an alcohlic N for a year. I broke up with him after reaching a point where I was unhappy and could see that this was not the man I wanted to be with the rest of my life. But I, like you, couldn't get over him. I wondered what he was doing; I knew he was with someone else and for some reason I thought that he was this much better person with her and all his problems were solved and they had a great relationship. So, six months after breaking up with him, I contacted him for lunch and we started seeing each other again. Supposedly he broke up with the new woman, but six months later I found out he had been seeing her behind my back the entire time. So, he gave her up for real and for good and it was just the two of us for another six months. There were a few things he worked on and got better about from the 1st go round (they are somewhat trainable), but he was the same man. He had the same problems. He was only able to give so much. He was still selfish. He still couldn't talk about things or take any kind of criticism whatsoever. And he was till horribly mean to me at times. My life was a rollercoaster. I went back for round 2 and my friends remark how happy I seem in the two weeks we've been broken up. Try not to go back for round 2!! I know where you're coming from and that you think they're having this magical fabulous Christmas. They aren't! She is just the one putting up with his crap right now. They're not! Feel sorry for her! I know from my round 2 and from a few discussions with the woman he saw after my round 1 (and during my round 2) that she had the exact same issues and problems with him. In fact, she was more confrontational with him so they had many many more problems. I promise you that you deserve better. I broke it off and haven't talked to my N in a few days, finally telling him we can't be friends. I am moving on and feel sorry for him. I'm sure that my round 2 helped to get me to this place, but listen to me and to the others and try to move on yourself.

#6 Dec 30 - 8AM (Reply to #16)

safyre99

Thanks lilybart

Thanks lilybart. I appreciate you telling me your story. I like the comment you made of "she is just the one putting up with his crap right now." That's what I need to tell myself... my exN's new girlfriend is putting up with his crap and he's her headache now. I don't have to deal with all the problems anymore, she does. And, better her than me. Yes, I definitely need to move on, and be grateful that my exN is no longer in my life, and be happy to be off the roller coaster and to not to have to walk on eggshells anymore.

#7 Dec 27 - 7PM

Hunter

Take it from me, I was

Take it from me, I was treated this way 20 yes ago. I didnt know what he was. I went back for round 2. There will not be a 3. I know what freak he is and for me, I have closure. Be glad you only need to go 1 round. It will be ok

#8 Dec 30 - 7AM (Reply to #14)

safyre99

Thank you idealk9NYC

Thank you idealk9NYC. I should be glad that I only went round 1 with my exN and our relationship was only a year. I've been reading so many postings and stories about people who had been with their Ns for years and years, or who broke up and then got back together and went through hell for so many years. I'm grateful that I only went through it for a year. Even though I still miss my exN I keep telling myself over and over that it's for the best and I'm better off alone than with someone like that.

#9 Dec 27 - 7PM

justicejones

Safyre-

Wow, you must be feeling so down right now. I don't think you are ever going to get the answers you need. There really won't be any closure. YOu have to make your own closure. IF he were to answer all your questions, they wouldn't be the truth. YOu know they are liars! As far as the OW, you probably are feeling rejection. That stinks, that is the one area that still gets me even after four years! And the analyzing part...is it almost that you are oCD with it? Like it consumes you trying to figure it all out, and when anyone interrupts your train of thought (trying to figure it out) you get a little irritated? That's how it was for me! Just when I feel like i am over it all and he just makes me sick, I have a little trigger, and I am back to being in a Narc Fog, and depressed. This is so awesome that we have this resource, here...it's like free therapy. YOu are not alone!

#10 Dec 27 - 7PM (Reply to #10)

safyre99

Thanks Justicejones

Thanks Justicejones... I really like what you said about making my own closure. I agree that I'll never get closure from him or answers to my many questions, but I have to make peace with that and not let it consume me. Yes, the analyzing part is almost like OCD... I go over things continually. There are so many things that I try to figure out about why he did what he did and said what he said and why I put up with so much of his crap and didn't speak up as much as I should have. You're right... this resource/forum is like free therapy! It really helps to talk to people who have been through a similar experience. My friends are awesome but they don't truly know what I've been through and what condition the relationship left me in.

#11 Dec 27 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

justicejones

Totally-

Friends and family don't understand! It's like they are tired of hearing it over and over, but who can blame them. They often say, "snap out of it" or "its over and done with, move on!" But really, they don't understand how warped our thinking has become as a result of the abuse, gaslighting, d and d, cheating etc, etc. We loved these people so much...we wanted them to see our worth and we wanted our love to show them "the way." I am with a wonderful man now. We are engaged and what he can't understand how I was with such a horrible man for so long...what I saw in him. When I try to explain it, he just doesn't get it. Its like a foreign language to him. I say, you don't know what it's really like until you have been there. Sometimes when I am in this really wonderful relationship, it doesn't feel "right." I think it's because I am so used to being treated wrongly, that when someone really does treat me like I deserve, it feels foreign. No drama, and I don't have to earn the small morsels of love that the N would throw my way when he thought he may be losing me. This new man just freely gives me love and I don't have to "earn" it. It feels like I don't deserve it. But that is from my deranged mind, as a result of being married to an N for all almost ten years. The thing is, we all have to retrain our mind. Re channel those rivers of thinking we are so used to...damn up the stinkin' thinkin'. This is by far so much harder done than said though, right? That is why I am so thankful for this website. I log on, whenever I am feeling down.

#12 Dec 30 - 6AM (Reply to #12)

safyre99

Congratulations Justicejones

Congratulations on your engagement Justicejones! I'm so happy for you that you found someone you can have a healthy relationship with and who treats you well... the way you deserve to be treated! I know what you mean about feeling that the relationship doesn't feel "right." We get so used to and programmed to be treated the way our Ns treated us that when someone treats us with respect, kindness and an honest love, and no mind games it almost feels foreign. I know when I get in another relationship I'm going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop and waiting for him to treat me the way my exN did. But I have to keep reminding myself that he was sick and that most men don't behave the way he did and that they don't treat their significant others the way he treated me. I agree that we have to retrain our minds.

#13 Dec 27 - 6PM

Journey

Safyre

2 steps forward, 1 step back seems to be the way it goes - at least for me it has been. The way you say you are feeling is a lot like how I felt for a long time. Last year at this time my N went on a trip with the ow he started seeing immediately after leaving me (his best friend, most compatible partner - these things he told me, as he also said he can't imagine being with anyone else). Their relationship lasted about 8 months and he has since moved on from her as well. The thing is, as a narc they don't usually ever treat anyone better than they treated us and it is only ever good for the ow in the early stages, the way we all experienced it. I understand completely the feeling of doing something wrong to make him want to leave and feeling the ow must be better at so many things to have taken his love away, but what they call love is not what loving is all about. There is nothing you could have said or done differently to have made him treat you better or not break up with you. I treated mine the best I could. I gave him anything he needed, (including space and accepting his 'quirks'), hoping he would return to that guy that he showed me in the beginning and the one I believed was my soul mate. I have finally accepted that there wasn't anything I could have done differently except to have ended it myself much earlier. He might then have wanted me more, but what would have been the point? He told me (when he was still 'trying' to make it work), that if I was the opposite and not so loving he would probably not need to pull away so much and could be closer. So I said "So, you want me to fake it then and pretend I don't care when I actually do? You want me to be cold and distant when I don't really feel that way and pretend to be someone I'm not? " He said "no, of course not". I don't play games like that in relationships and if I really did feel that way I wouldn't want him to be closer, so really, what else could I have done? They are screwed up, period. Thinking about them goes on for a long time unfortunately, and I wish I could say it didn't. I'm learning what is important for me now is changing how I think about him. Changing my perspective and seeing him as a narc and myself as someone who did everything I could to be and do the best I could with such a dysfunctional man as he is. I will probably always miss the man he was at times, but it is finally sinking in just how much of an illusion it was I believed in and how charming was his spell that I was under. I hope 2011 brings us all closer to freedom and authentic joy within ourselves again. Journey on...

Journey on...

#14 Dec 27 - 7PM (Reply to #6)

safyre99

Journey

Journey... I really appreciate your comments about there's nothing that I could have done differently to have my exN not break up with me. Because that's something that I keep going over and over in my mind and it's like I'm taking all the blame for the breakup. I just wish I had been the one to break up with him. I had thought about it since I was getting fed up with how I was being treated, but I wasn't ready to end things with him and have him not be in my life. Isn't that amazing that he emotional abused me and treated me poorly and I still wanted him in my life, and I still miss him! Crazy, huh!!! I too will probably always miss the guy he was at the beginning... I felt a connection with him and felt that we could have a future and he made me feel special... at least for awhile.

#15 Dec 27 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

Journey

Completely

I completely get it. Mine and I shared some amazing things together and the abuse didn't seem like abuse at the time. There were a couple of times when I was feeling fed up by the push pull of our relationship and came very close to ending it. In those instances he hoovered me back in with the illusion that our relationship meant something to him. I didn't understand then that he really just hadn't finished using me to get closer to reaching certain goals he had. Once he began to doubt those goals, my usefulness was also in question and that is when the final D&D occurred. Instead of being angry at myself for not ending it, I feel angry toward him for hoovering me back during those times because I would have not suffered nearly half as much if he had not done that. I believed him capable of caring and loving me because he wanted me to believe it and he did what he had to at the time to make sure I continued to believe, even after the abuse started. It isn't crazy at all to miss this person we thought existed. They did exist for awhile because that is who they convinced us they were. I feel like the guy I loved died and I mourn him a lot. This guy was my soul mate, the most perfectly compatible partner I'd ever known and the one whom I shared my greatest joy with. I still miss that guy because for 2 years he was real to me. Journey on...

Journey on...

#16 Dec 30 - 6AM (Reply to #8)

safyre99

Yes it is like mourning

Journey it definitely does feel like mourning for me too. It's like the guy I knew at the beginning of the relationship doesn't exist any longer and I miss him so much, it is like a death. And, the guy I know now seems like such a different person... it's like I hardly even know him any more... it's like they become strangers to us. And, it's especially hurtful because I feel like I'd been through so much with him and had such deep feelings for him and I thought he had deep feelings for me, and then it just seems to change so quickly.

#17 Dec 27 - 4PM

Deidre99

I'm sorry you are hurting.

I'm sorry you are hurting. May I ask what he said his 'reason' was for ending things with you?

#18 Dec 27 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

safyre99

Thanks Deidre99

Thanks Deidre99. He said that he felt he didn't really know me and that he knew that he wasn't making much of an effort in the relationship. But, he also talked about how he thought that I was ready for more of a commitment and he wasn't ready, however, he's already dating someone else and seems to be making a commitment with her, so I'm sure part of it was that he had been in touch with the OW and wanted to end things with me so he could go out with her. But, I try to tell myself that this is just the honeymoon stage again and that even though he seems to be so into this new relationship that he'll eventually show his true self to her. I know that Ns aren't capable of really knowing their partners, girlfriends, etc. and that it's all about them, but my self-esteem really took a beating with all his criticisms and knowing that he didn't seem to think I was worth making the effort for when it came to the relationship. I have to keep telling myself they don't make the effort for anyone or at least not after awhile.. if they do it's all for show or to win you over.

#19 Dec 27 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

Deidre99

Ok, I see. I am so sorry you

Ok, I see. I am so sorry you are hurting. Realize, you won't always be hurting. The first few days of my NC ...were tough. I struggled mainly with regret. Regret of ever meeting the guy, ever letting him into my life, kind of thing. But...in your case. You are dealing with two things. First, breaking up, even with non-narc men, is hard. Break ups do hurt. Let yourself grieve this, like you might any other type of loss. It is a loss. Even if it ended badly, it's a loss for you. Second, you are dealing with a narc. A man who depleted your energy, your time, your esteem. So, it's not like a ''normal'' breakup, but you are reeling still wondering what you could have done differently, or better to have ''kept'' him interested. The sad reality is...they are always one foot in, and one foot out of their relationships. I'd say he might even be doing this with the new girl. Probably one foot in, taking a test drive, if she does everything and anything he wants, he'll bring the other foot over. But, if not? He's out. If he ends it with her, he may come a callin' for you. That's typically how they work. The narc in my life. I do believe. Knew I was the real deal. I was a good good friend. I cared about him. And he blew it. He hurt me over and over again. He was a good friend AT TIMES...but it was always cloaked in narcissism. So, the same for you. You are missing someone who had two sides. The side you miss...the good guy. But, the other side...the side that hurt you, is also part of the same person. That's the tough part with narcs. Time will heal this. Stay NC. NO MATTER WHAT. If he writes you tonight...saying, I made a horrible mistake leaving you...YOU STAY NC. This has less to do with him, and more to do with empowering yourself. Your emotions will no longer be contingent upon him. Make it so! We're here for you!! {{hugs}}

#20 Dec 27 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

safyre99

That's so true

That's so true... it was like he had two sides, and I do really miss the good guy, the guy he was at the beginning of the relationship. After a few months he changed, and I kept attributing it to stress and financial issues, etc., but he never went back to the way he was at the beginning and I kept thinking he would if he wasn't as stressed. Then after the breakup I kept wondering if he had changed because of how he felt (or didn't feel) about me, or that he was unhappy being in the relationship. But, then I learned about narcissism and how Ns do change and they're usually great in the beginning and then they devalue and discard. So I know it really isn't about me, it is about him. That does make me feel a little better. I have been NC for awhile and I like what you said about it's more about enpowering myself and that my emotions will no longer be contingent upon him. I'll keep saying that to myself. Thank you for those helpful words!

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