14 Days No Contact!!

Thank you so much for your reply. Reading your post makes me that much more determined to stay the course of recovery and healing. I want that healing for you and for me and for all of us suffering the effects of this pain. First loves are so hard aren't they? I grew up with mine on the same street 30 years ago when I was 12. We had a great street with like 15 kids!! To this day, we feel as close as we did back then and would be there for each other in a heartbeat. He and I were each others first kiss.....I think that is the hardest thing about all of this. I know there will be reunions coming in the next year and there were family fishing trips planned etc....I loved the idea of all our families gathering and having fun after 30 years, and I am having to release that too for the time being. I can meet with my other friends....but I still have had to grieve those plans. I have had to grieve the man as a lover, the fairy tale that we BOTH created and believed in and then as a best friend and eventually even as a friend...b/c he is just not there the way that he presented himself in the beginning. He was my best friend....he helped me do something that I didn't have the courage to do for 20-25 years. I was at an incredibly vulnerable time. Very quickly...I was raped my senior of high school and then I left Ft Lauderdale weeks later after graduation and never looked back. I lost contact with everyone. I never dealt twith the rape, made bad decison after bad decision, including marrying a physically abusive narc for my first marriage. Couple that with five abdominal surgeries, finding out I was infertile and gaining over 100 lbs, I was a mess to say the least. When exn found me, I had just lost 80 lbs and feeling massive ptsd....the more weight i lost, the more fearful I got. Feeling pretty to me meant pain and suffering due to the rape. I knew that I had to finally deal with everything I went thru but I was so scared, but I wanted Sherry back again. My exn remembered healthy, happy Sherry, the 12 yo spitfire, the 17 yo homecoming queen and the just the cutest thing on the block!!! I feel like he took me by the hand and led me to the path where I needed to go and gave me the courage to do what I needed to do but then the best thing he did was leave me there to do on my own. It was a gift that he left me. He ripped my heart open so that I could finally heal ALL that had been so raw for all these years. I don't how I did it those first few months, the pain was unbearable, but I did. So for me this is so bittersweet. He helped me the way that only he could have done by remembering me, but at the same time I see him for what he really is... a narcissistic man who will never change. I feel sorry for him really. I know what he went thru in his childhood and how horrible his father was to him, I was there. But I can't fix him. a part of me thinks that who I saw in the beginning was who he really wants to be, but he just can't keep up with it, it's too difficult. And for that I am sorry for him, but he treats people horribly and I can't be involved in that anymore. Reality has got to set back in and the facts remain the same. And i only have one choice and that is forward. Like I said in the other post, I will take the lessons learned but I will leave the man behind. It's so hard to feel so pissy with him about his n ways yet so appreciative of him that he helped me truly heal and move forward in my life.....UGH, the sickening irony of it all!!! Whew, that ended up being a tangent!! Guess it needed to come out!! lol Lisa, I am here for you and I am so glad we are in this together. I gain strength from that!! I hope you do too!! Have a great day Ladies!!!

Not only do I want to be happy in the light, I want to BE the light and I want to shine BRIGHT!!!

Hey susan, I absolutely believe it was like detoxing for me....I may as well have been strung out on heroin. It was extremely painful and dark... but it is the best thing I have ever done for myself... there are times that I find myself panicky or sad...but I am able to recognize it now and regroup and keep moving forward. Wow, I never thought I would feel like that again. I was tormented with fear and had major post traumatic stress, but I am here and I am alive and I am strong and I am a good person that people love and most of all, I am loving myself again. It feels great!!

I would love that Terri!!! Let's check in on each other!!! xoxo.... So proud of us too!!! :o)

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words!! This site has been a miracle for me!! Thank you for all that you do!! xoxo :o)

Hang in there, sweetie!! Relief is on the way!! Each day, each hour, each minute....you are closer to that relief! xoxo You are one tough cookie! Thinking of you.

I love that you have a meeting with yourself to review your list!! Too freaking cool!!! NC has been able to bring clarity into my life. And I remember waking up a few weeks ago, and I just felt at peace and in balance. And I remember questioning it....saying....is this what balance feels like???? I had my goals and visions in my head and I knew I was moving toward them and that it was right! I was balanced!!!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!! lol....I am chuckling thinking about it. :o) I was just so used to feeling turmoil and frustration!! And a few days later, I was doing the dishes and I felt off, off my center of balance and I was able to recognize and ask myself what it was and wasz it true and then recentered myself and moved on!!! Glorious!!!!! Have a beautiful day!!!