10 weeks NC but ....

As I am on my second time on here (for a different person), I am very committed to maintaining NC and working on myself, because I made lots of mistakes with Narc 1. It has been very hard starting again in a new place as I has homeless for a while, and since he dumped all my stuff at a storage unit, I have had no contact (maybe made easier by the fact that he has not tried to contact me, so little did he care). I am just struggling with a thought today. He was fake. I know that. In the beginning, he idolised me and I threw away a lot to move on with him, emotionally and literally. His devaluing was painful, the discard was callous, and I know it was all a sham. But fighting off the need for closure, putting on a brave face for loved ones, trying to be strong feels awkward and also fake. I do know that it will be worth it one day, but I feel like I am living half a life, still wondering about how it happened, what happened, the way it happened (though not constantly). I want to believe that I will recover, and my friends say that I am more like my old self, but NC is hard. I won't give in, but does the fake feeling disappear? I worked a long shift last night and am maybe just tired, but am struggling with these thoughts and seem to have hit a wall.