10 mths NC - Why?

Breeeeeeeeeeeeeeathe! You didn't give ALL you had, know why? Cuz there's still a lot of GOOD left of you. Save it for someone who would appreciate it, but HEAL first. Crying is a good thing. It helps get this person and their toxins out of your system. Grieving is a natural part of all of this and it comes and goes in stages. I was with mine for ten years and I'm nine months out. I can only share what has been helpful to me in getting rid of the cog/dis (Spinning hamster wheel) and that is to recognize this person for what they WERE, not what you believed them to be. Assigning ANY normal characteristics to these people will keep you spinning. once you really get that, really absorb it, you'll find that you'll still have times of pain, but they won't be as frequent. Try to work on mindfulness. Not what is in the past, but in the NOW. This means that you focus on your children. Let them know you will be sad and cry sometimes, but it's not about THEM, so they aren't frightened by it. Kids sometimes take on our stuff when we are grieving really hard and they deserve your attention. This person you are grieving, has stolen enough of your time. In your mindfulness, which will take some concentration and work, FOCUS on your children and the SIMPLE joy they can bring. You will get past all of this, but it IS a lot of emotional work.

I kept being told that I had to completely except myself for who I am in order to change and move forward. I don't understand it, but I was willing to try. I remind myself several times a day that: My feelings are real and valid I can feel the way I feel and it is ok. I have a right to all of my feelings. They don't have to control me and I don't have to act out on those feelings. I can make mistakes and still be a good, kind and intelligent person. Mistakes are lessons I did nothing wrong to cause the behavior in the Narc. I want and deserve a much better person than a Narcissist and will not settle for less. I am ok alone and would rather be alone than stuck in a f'd up relationship in purgatory. Hope that helps or inspires you to make a list of good things about you. You are where you are and it is ok! Hang in there. It has taken almost as long for me to be healed and I only dated the guy for 7 or 8 months. When you have been soul raped by a Narcissist, we must allow ourselves to do whatever necessary to heal. Be kind and loving to YOU!

it takes the heart longer to catch up. Stop being so hard on yourself. 11 years is a long time. 10 months isn't. It's going to get better. hugs, Rose