The 10% Hope?

But that is a false belief that you would be all alone in this world. In fact, it's really just a feeling. You feel like you would be all alone in the world... but with therapy, and time, and NO CONTACT, you will begin to get a better grasp on what is actually true, and what is actually just a scary feeling. And it IS a scary feeling... I felt my world UNRAVELING when I broke it off for good with my exN. Black, terrible, overwhelming fear. But those were feelings, not truth. And I overcame that, and so can you. And what you are grasping on to... is in fact a FALSE hope because it's better than facing "reality" (but as I just said, your feelings about reality will change in the future!). And you KNOW it's a false hope, you actually do know in your heart that it isn't real. But you're on that fence of feeling like, shit, false hope is better than scary reality. Buuuut... it isn't, not really. False hope is a bitter disappointment, and the longer you hang on to it, the more the disappointment. Here's the rub... if you continue to cling to this empty shell of a man... the longer you WILL BE alone. Because being WITH him is still being alone. He is nothing inside. And the older you will get. You are hardly too old to start over again! But that's beside the point... I'm just saying that every day you spend stuck in the dead past with him, is another day gone from your life, a day you cannot get back. I once read a funny quote from Julia Cameron (The Artist's Way) that was about someone always invariably asking her (about starting a new venture)..."do you know how old I'll be by the time I do that???" And she says.. "the same age you'll be if you don't." ;) Most of us here, who have moved on with our lives, will tell you that we wish we could get back the time wasted on these people. You cannot have a relationship with him. There is NO percent chance of it, because HE cannot have a relationship with anyone on earth. You know in your heart that this is true. Please don't waste any more of YOUR precious life on some fake hope for some fake future with some fake man. You're worth more than that.

Hi Loveofmylife, I too initially thought that I was too old, would not find anyone else, did not want to start again with someone new. These were thoughts which floated through my head during the good and the bad times. I eventually realized that love is not just about my emotions. Love is also about using my head, not just my heart. My heart was telling me that I loved this man and kept wanting to help him and do for him regardless of how he treated me, which was hot and cold as you describe. My heart would keep going back to "daddy" as a child no matter what pain he inflicted upon me. I needed to allow my head to kick in and my head said: This man is going to kill you. I am not just talking about literally I am also talking about a much worse death, a slow death where you lose your self respect, you lose your dignity, you lose your sense of what is right, fair, and just and your decision making process becomes so clouded that the unacceptable becomes the acceptable and you are no longer a woman in touch or control with her own sense of self, it does literally become all about them, with the trying to please, waiting for the phone, texts, emails, visits, ect...Once my head kicked in and I could get out of my heart, I was like: Are u f ing kidding me? This man is a mess. He is selfish and all the rest. If I stay with him he is going to take me down to a place where I do not choose to dwell. I said to him towards the end: I am a child of God and God has good things in store for me, he is NOT going to allow the likes of you to take down one of his favored children and do you know what he said to this? He was stunned and he said, I know you are and I know that he won't. He pretty much knew his days were numbered after that and for the first time in months I was putting myself and my spirituality BEFORE him as it should be and he realized the gig was up. He said a couple days later: You are just not that into me anymore are you? And I said: Do you think? I went NC when I came on here and have had NC for going on 3.5 months now. My head has cleared and I realize that I want MY life back, I want to learn to be alone again and experience the rest of life which is not centered around a sick man. I know there are good men out there because my son is one. He is not perfect but he would never cheat on a girl or call her these awful names or use people for his own personal gain. There are far worse things in life than being alone and one of them is to be at some selfish Joe's beck and call. It's almost like you have to retrain your brain after one of these Narcs has a hold on you. Everytime you find yourself thinking about them you need to shift the focus to yourself or God or anything but them. I answered the question about why I could not let go with the reality that I was sick now, his sickness had rubbed off on me and I was still in his control even when he was not in the room. I had to change my thinking and allow myself enough time to be out of his presense to do this. He is like a drug to me an unhealthy entity and this is why I could not let go, plus he reminded me of my father who was a Narc so I was programmed to put up with this abuse. On some level it felt familar to have to practically beg for normal human love from a man. Breaking the obsession is not easy and takes time and practice. I have a faith which tells me that God does not want me to be with a man who treats me like a piece of crap so that helps as well. I do not believe for one second that we were put on this earth to hook up with Narcs. I believe that they need to be alone and that eventually we will meet someone better. God cannot open a new door until you close the old door. I believe this as well. Part of it is changing what you think. If you think that you are too old or this is the best that you can do then you will play that out and allow this to continue. Change your thinking and you too will change. You were doing real well with your NC, try to go back if you can and allow yourself more time to heal. There are some great posts on here now about the healing process and being alone and getting to know and like yourself. God bless, Goldie

thanks for earlier, i got in such a tizzy, i got in touch with a friend to come and look at my laptop, she done it shifted my story, to right place, and showed me how to sort out emails, i feel so needy too day, ive had the shakes all days, and crying for a couple mins, then doing again, this has got to be the worse day ive had since, i dumped them both, i even thought cos it is nearly a year, shouldnt i be pleased not getting depressed,earlier i felt i cant do this anymore, my story is the tip of a big iceberg[as everyones on here is], i know i was lucky to get out, yet today, i think, why was that gods plan for me, nparents,nh, nfriend, i even thought do i like beign tortured, anorexia was bad enough, ime so sorry for this pathetic post, but i need to explain, my mums birthday is next week, 5 days after my dad died, and exh birthday. yuk. life sucks at the moment.

Hi Used, I just read your story and was so moved by it. I started crying and will never forget this story. Your dispair and then your courage to leave are an inspiration to me. You are amazing girl. About the post. Can you highlight it and then right click and select copy? Then try going into the story section and once you are on the page with your story name set up, go to the blank screen and right click again and select paste, that should do it. Betty can delete your story from the other section if you would like, otherwise, just keep it there. Let me know if this works. God bless, Goldie