1 Year

16 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Dec 16 - 3PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

1 Year

It must be approx 1 year since I decided enough was enough and removed The Ice Queen of Narcnia forcibly from my life.

I feel kinda good, and I've worked through a lot of issues and come a long way, having understood what happened as best I can.

The only thing I wish I could let go of is my ego issues. My ego, you see, wants revenge for his mistreatment of me. I often fantasise that I end up in a screaming row with him and well and truly put him in his place. I know it's not productive, but somehow it feels right. I also know it'll probably never happen, and that if it did it would probably just be perverted in supply for the little creep.

But otherwise things have worked out OK. I survived. No matter how hard he's tried, he failed. He lost.

I won.

Dec 16 - 7PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I hear you loud and clear sister!!!

Prettypeeved, I was just talking about this very thing with my long time friend on here. She was the first one to reach out to me almost a year and a half ago and we have remained friends since then. EGO. How DARE this piece of shit try to take down the great I am. I am attractive, intelligent, accomplished in many area's, home owner, ect.... You know the drill. And he has the f ing nerve to play with ME and try to take ME down??? I don't think so........... You are on to something here in your recovery. You are digging deep and getting to the CORE issue's for many of us who are now further along in our recovery. The only thing I can say is YES. They did think that they were going to take us down and the better we were and the more we brought to the table, a bigger high for them to try. I had these feelings many a time as did my friend from the site. We both came to the conclusion that they are so far gone that they actually think from time to time that they are our superiors. They fluctuation from self loathing to self adoration and this is where it gets tricky and confusing for us to process. One minute they are crying in our arms about how grateful they are to have found us and the next minute they are telling us that we are no damn good. When all is said and done, this all boils down to self worth and the value we place on our selves. Do we still have chinks in our armour? Weaknesses? Unfinished childhood issues? Vanity? Now is the time to digg deep and look at ourselves and see what brought us to this point, and kept us dancing the dance, and how we can begin to put the focus on what is really important to us. Is it SEX? Is it being accepted for us and who we are? Is it materialism and fame? Is it being loved for our looks? Is it our goodness? What were we looking for from them and what exactly is it that we still needed validation about? This is a time of deep reflection, self awareness and honesty, and getting our priorities straight. What do we truly want and what is the fesible way to obtain our goals. Clearly it is NOT from a man who does not have it to give and suffers from a PD. We wanted to be loved, appreciated, validated for the unique special women that we are and they chewed us up and spit us out. Now what? Once you realize and accept that you are awesome just the way you are, then you can let go of the expectations from another and obtain your value and self worth from yourself and others who GET YOU!! Their inability to see our goodness and greatness is NO reflection on us. God bless, Goldie Congrats on a 1 year!!! You are doing the work.
Dec 17 - 10AM (Reply to #13)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

Wow

...there are some amazing questions to focus on ourselves in this response. Is there material here for a blog post so we can access and use in our recovery as focus away from the N and on to ourself? Just reading this is making me be honest about what I was specifically feeling bad about myself and working on before I met the N and you hit on some of them. Perhaps the N coming in at that time was what I like to think of as the Luke Skywalker/Darth Vader test. Remember the scene in Empire Strikes Back where Luke Skywalker is in a fight scene with Darth Vader and he strikes? But when he takes off Darth's mask, he sees his own face so he has lost the battle by fighting? Powerful stuff. I feel like I have been tested with the N situation and while I have lost the battle, I have won the war. I have found myself. PrettyPeeved, INSPIRING. Congrats!!! :))
Dec 17 - 10AM (Reply to #14)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

ReclaimingPower

I love the Starwars Analogy. Perfect. I am working on some recovery materials for the site and this is part of it. I will gladly blog about this and people are welcome to add to the list, the things that they are becoming aware which brought them to this place initially and kept them going back for more. Seldom in life is anything really about the other person when all is said and done. It is usually about US and where our strengths and weaknesses lie. They were mearly a catylist for the work which still needed to be done on ourselves and this is why some who have made it through all of the steps actually begin to feel grateful for the experience because it was life changing on deep core levels. I know this sound almost impossible for some to fathom at this point, yet, it does happen for those who are willing to look at themselves, do the work, learn the lessons, and yes, move on. The day can come when the PD no longer has any hold on you at all and NC comes natural because the desire to be destroyed has left your scope. The abuse buffet now becomes the buffet of self approval and self empowerment. There is no longer a desire to eat from the abuse buffet. You don't even go to that table. You march right over to the other table and feast on the table of goodness and grace. Your name says it all, this is all about Reclaiming our Power. God bless, Goldie
Dec 17 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
Used
Used's picture

goldie

I JUST LOVE THIS POST....HE HAS MADE ME LOOK TO MYSELF AND FOR THAT I WILL ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL, BUT I WOULDNT TELL HIM THAT....LOL
Dec 16 - 7PM (Reply to #10)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Goldie ,, always excellent

Goldie ,, always excellent words of wisdom .. Sooooo..what you saying is I can't send him Christmas Cookies laced with Ex Lax?.. :) Fine... I get it.. PrettyPeeved you Rock.. You do work. Congrats on 1 yr. Hunter
Dec 17 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

Oh Hunter, do it! Do it!

Oh Hunter, do it! Do it! For all of us! LOL. :)) Oh wait, that's contact. Never mind. LMAO. haaaaa
Dec 17 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Lol, Hunter

Thank you. You rock!!! God bless, Goldie
Dec 16 - 7PM
Layla
Layla's picture

Congratulations on 1 year N Free prettypeeved!

"Enough is enough" one year ago during the holidays goes to prove there is no time like NOW to get the toxic PD out of our lives once and for all. YAY YOU!!!!! love~ Layla
Dec 16 - 5PM
blueworld
blueworld's picture

i cant wait

i am so inspired by you i cant wait to get there myself im only ten weeks nc
Dec 16 - 4PM
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

Well done PP

I cant wait to be where you are now. Good on you for staying strong. Yay!
Dec 16 - 3PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Congratulations PP!!!!

This is HUGE! So proud of you and happy for you. You've done the work!!! Have you read any of Eckhart Tolle's books? He writes extensively about the Ego. Very interesting stuff. Hugs, Rose
Dec 16 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Eckhart Tolle? No, not heard

Eckhart Tolle? No, not heard of him. I will investigate...
Dec 16 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Ohhhh.. The Power of Now

Ohhhh.. The Power of Now rings a bell. I've made a note to read that at some point.
Dec 16 - 3PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Prettypeeved, you ROCK!

You have come so far and shared so many helpful things here. This is outstanding. I could have written this myself. At 13 months out I too wrestle with revenge fantasies, but they are fewer and farther between. I don't do it for the same reasons you don't. I'm not giving Freak Boy one ounce of supply ever ever again. Like you, I have survived. Things are good, better than I thought they could be in the aftermath. I am winning and he has lost. That's the bottom line. I raise a cyber toast to you! Great work! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT p.s. You have the absolute best nickname for the disordered one! I chuckle every time I read it!

spinning

Dec 16 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Clink clink!

Clink clink!