1 week - NC working so far

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#1 Apr 30 - 1AM

loveofmylife

1 week - NC working so far

Well, in one week, I've gotten about three emails asking me questions.... I responded curtly to the first one and didn't respond to the 2nd two. And haven't heard anything more.

What a huge contrast to the 5 - 10 phone calls/day; 5 texts and probably 20 emails from just two weeks ago!

I'm sad to see the end of what I thought was the closest relationship of my entire life....

My last email to him said "I value our friendship and our relationship, but I have a feeling that if I'm out of your life tomorrow, you won't even think about me, and that is the saddest part". Of course, he can't say anything back to me that my lifetime investment in him meant anything to him....because I've been D&D.

Someone who I have spent 22 years in a close relationship with, thousands and thousands of hours of one on one time and sharing a lifetime of my (and I thought his) most innermost thoughts and feelings.... its a killer....and a waste of those precious moments.

The funny thing is, I ran into one of my bankers today and he mentioned that N called him yesterday and discussed some internal negotiations that the owner was having with another investment firm. The only way he could know this was to have called the other investment firm to get the inside scoop about what me and the owner were doing and then called the banker to give him an update! Very weird...like he is trying to manage investor relations without the involvement of the owner or me!

I think this is just part of his:
- always be the "nice guy" and appear to be supportive (I still can't tell whether it is for the company's benefit or his personal benefit)
- leverage as many of these relationships as possible for future work

I think he is still looking for a job...which is why he is doing this. And the funny thing is, whenever I point blank ask him what he is doing...is he working...or looking for a job...I can NEVER even get a straight answer on this very simple question. It is like it is all a mystery so he can keep himself interesting or some demented thing.

#2 May 1 - 9AM

neveragain5

Keep it up! Over time, you

Keep it up! Over time, you will see a HUGE change in your own feelings and you will feel lighter. When it is first over, you do feel a huge loss. I cried a lot when I was with my two and after as well. Every day is a day of healing. This guy may go away for a while, but I guarantee, he will be back. Consider us your friends to rely on and keep reading about what he REALLY is.

#3 May 1 - 4PM (Reply to #18)

loveofmylife

neveragain5

thanks.... :)

#4 May 1 - 9AM

Amazed

Keep it up loveofmylife,,NC be strong

I understand completely the grieving you are feeling for the "closest relationship of my life" guess what,,,felt the same way...only to discover this is farthest from the truth. All you experienced is only a front by him, for him. Do not be further manipulated. They have double lives, are two faced, and do things behind your back. You would be shocked. Sounds like your glimplse into this guy's phone call is just the tip of the iceberg. Believe me, there is more of that stuff going on than you know, and you would be flabergasted to hear of it. Especially when the N was the closest relationship. It gets better. Keep your agenda, the ball in your court. NC You will probably hear more shocking things, and you will be glad you kept away.

#5 May 1 - 6AM

aceonelady

yep....

Yep....Knowledge is Power,that'swhy they never can give a straight answer about anything,and they lie and speak their own language....Narc word salad....and maze us with a nice spray of deception.....

Aceonelady

#6 May 1 - 6AM

agnesmurphy17

Knowledge is Power

"And the funny thing is, whenever I point blank ask him what he is doing...is he working...or looking for a job...I can NEVER even get a straight answer on this very simple question." My N, like your N, is a high-functioning & professionally successful man. Mine always plays his cards close to his chest. Information was always given on a "need to know" basis. Of course, he determined when & how I needed to know. Basically, to suit his needs & interests. Always remain "in control" of everything, even generalized information. There is no dialogue, no exchange, no relationship between equals with these men. What I experienced with my N was a 'master-slave' situation. I was used, exploited--I was HIS property. Mine also wants the illusion that we can be friendly. Well, at least to others so he can look like a kind & generous man even though his wife so cruelly abandoned him. I never hear from him. If there is contact over something necessary, never a hello . . . no pleasantries. Mine, to this day, has kept it a secret that he had a new woman within three months of my leaving him & moving into the house he & I still owned together (he bought my share recently). Kept her a secret. Sending me e-mails about his broken heart & his recovery while he's wooing & then living with another woman! These men are unbelievable. Also, the first month she moved in he called me & asked me to reconcile. Then several months later, he called me again & asked me to reconcile. She's still living there! Do you think she knows that he still "loves" me & wants to reconcile? I don't think so. What is her relationship built upon? Her being useful to him. My N's new woman is a psychiatrist! No kidding. She's been living with him now some 8 months. I left him on May 2, 2009. So, she's been very involved with him for almost a year. And, still, she doesn't get that he's a pathological. And, I know from the grapevine that they have "broken up" two times, but got back together again. Don't be too hard on yourself. Some of these guys are very good. Fool even the professionals with a lot of training & experience with personality disorders. When a person falls in love, we see only that which we wish to see & disregard the rest. Always making excuses for the beloved. The minute we stop forgiving, stop making excuses, stop worhsiping them & see them for what they are . . . they vanish . . . we are no longer useful.

#7 May 1 - 9PM (Reply to #14)

loveofmylife

Agnes - Happy Anniversary!

Just realized you moved out one year ago tomorrow! Feeling better?

#8 May 1 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

loveofmylife

agnes

god they are all the same. - keeps info close to vest. Only dispenses it when he thinks I need to know. - wouldn't even involve me in dialog that I should be in as CFO because he feels like I didn't need to be involved, as a conscious decision of his. But if I didn't involve him, becuase I didn't even think he would be interested and it didn't even cross my mind that he would want to attend a certain meeting, he would fly into an absolute rage and accuse me of undermining him. - master/slave relationship. He owns me, so gets mad when I don't follow the script exactly how he thinks I should - he talks to others like we are still close friends and in constant dialog because it builds his reputation. He doesn't talk to me. And I hear about things I am doing from some of these other people even though I didn't tell N what I was doing. - he also has an Xwife that he tells everyone cruelly abandoned him. That is his main sob story that he tells women to get their sympathy and how he had to raise the kids on his own. It always seemed weird to me, cause I can't think of any highly functioning woman who would abandon her marriage if it was working in any way.

#9 May 2 - 6PM (Reply to #13)

Susan32

Improvisation

My ex-N was VERY scripted... even our fights (his were prepared lectures,and if I disagreed,I wasn't "listening") He didn't want anything to deviate from his script, and I was the major deviant. It was a shame to see a 6 year old boy in a 36 year old MAN'S body. He couldn't stand it when I congratulated him behind his back... he looked daggers at me when one of his colleagues said I was "singing his praises" (at least a classic narcissist would've APPRECIATED that) He badmouthed me to my friends and called me "crazy" when I bragged to them about a book he was writing about Wittgenstein (which would've been published in 2006) When I congratulated him on his engagement (after meeting the LA gf I didn't even know about) and told him to be HAPPY in his life with her because he was UNHAPPY with me... he threw tantrums. He acted like a child not getting his way, instead of an adult. When I told him I wanted him to be happy in his life,he accused me of "wanting to be the teacher" (whatever the hell that means) He couldn't bear the idea that I saw him as a human--not someone to be adored or feared. He said that those who considered him a monster--those people RESPECTED him. In the end, he wanted me to HATE him. He was begging me, after all the cr@p he pulled, to hate him. He thought he could command my feelings. And I wouldn't obey. Lots of us here are angry at ex-Narcs,and plenty of us hate our ex-Narcs, but what about ex-Narcs who WANT TO BE HATED?

#10 May 2 - 6AM (Reply to #5)

agnesmurphy17

Pegged

Sounds like you got this guy pegged for what he is. Now, do not have any hope that he will ever change & see the light because of NC. However, he will be back. You have been a part of his life for 20 years. Perhaps the most stable & consistent relationship of his life. Right now he's like a college freshman off on a frolic at university--doesn't need mom. But, junior always goes home whenever the chips are down. Because that's what you've been to this man--a maternal attachment figure. These men are emotionally 3 years old in the body of a full-grown man with sexual needs. They walk like, look-like and (for selected audiences) talk like a man--but underneath it all they are just spoiled-rotten, evil (pulling the wings off flies), little 3-year-old boys. These men are crazy (but a personality disorder is different than a mental illness). Do not let him "hoover" you back in. Women value relationships above all else. This one was 20 years. He will exploit your sensitivity in this area & suck you back in.

#11 May 2 - 12PM (Reply to #6)

loveofmylife

Maternal attachment

It is sad. You are right about the mother figure. I am more sexually attracted to him than I have been to anyone in my life. No one has even come close to that. He has told me many times how beautiful I am, how he is attracted to me to the Nth degree and lots of other things along these lines. But I think he realized that he could never be sexually attracted to me when we went out to dinner last year for our 3 1/2 hour dinner. I think he made him self available relationally that night and was all primed for it. But because I was not available, I didn't send off those "available vibes" and I could tell he was totally deflated from it, the sexual energy drained out of our relationship that night and after that is when he told people "I would never be interested in her in a relationship manner". That was a killer. But I think for him, I am mom - although one he finds very attractive and is very close to...but yet... cannot be sexually attracted to for some reason. So when I come home and my husband tells me how sexy he thinks I am and is now acting like a father to his children and is focused on our family... I think this is all God's way of keeping a shield around me for 20 years to give my husband time to grow and become the kind of man I needed him to become. What a learning process this has been. fyi....in terms of the college freshman frolicking...i have also recently found out that N still takes shrooms and other drugs frequently. Man, I am learning alot...and at the same time that my husband is on a mission in Cambodia. Now that is a contrast! When I think back to the first year of my marriage (when I fell victim to N because of the void in my marriage) ...I would have thought that the reverse would have been true. My husband was so self centered and lost and N was so stable and connected. The Lord works in mysterious ways. And he has tried to suck me back in today; although more mildly than normal. I can tell he sees that his magic is disappearing...so he is backing off. He emailed me 4 - 5 times in the last 24 hours, but instead of offering to help, he is telling me "good luck", which puts some distance between us. In the past he would have never said "good luck", he would have been in there with me trying to fix things and offering help... so it is shifting.

#12 May 2 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

better off

I don't know, loveof, it

I don't know, loveof, it just may be he doesn't want you (sexually) if he can have you. Mine admitted later on that "the mystery was gone" and he couldn't feel the same way. To which I say, FU. IOW, they can't love a real person, only a fantasy.

#13 May 2 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

quietude (not verified)

wow

Too bad he's not officially an employee and so you can get him drug tested!! This is grounds for automatic termination at my company! Ugh, my ex toward the end would act like he'd given up too..."I know there is likely no hope for this at this point, but I wanted you to know I think you are such a special woman, and I'll always love you...etc etc". I think this was his last ditch effort for me to freak out that this was actually 'THE END'...and maybe he expected that I'd have a panicked change of heart! I believe he was only able to actually seal the deal and not contact me because he was able to lure old GF back. Good Luck translation is actually "F*** You for breaking the 20+ year spell!"

#14 May 2 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

loveofmylife

Drug testing and Good Luck Translation

omg....i never thought about that! Maybe that is why he NEVER has become an employee anywhere in the last 10 years. hmmmm.... Yes, whenever he has said "good luck" to others it always means "you have gotten yourself into a mess of a situation that I want no part of!"

#15 May 2 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

better off

Definitely... it's a pouty

Definitely... it's a pouty little version of "fine!" Like quietude said, now you are supposed to panic (in his script)... good luck? what does good luck mean? Is he leaving? I should contact him and let him know I don't want that, I'm still here, blah blah... And/Or it's "good luck without me since I am so f**king special and you can't accomplish anything without my "help." It definitely does not mean good luck however. lol

#16 May 2 - 3PM (Reply to #11)

quietude (not verified)

just words

That same attitude reminds me of when mine said a few times essentially that he doubts I'll ever find what we had again (I know, good, LOL). We are SOOOO helpless and pathetic without Mr. Wonderful in our lives. They want you to believe we can't manage without them. I've been out 14 months...so far, so good! :)

#17 May 2 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

loveofmylife

good luck

yes, you have translated it properly, it does mean "good luck without me since I am so f**king special and you can't accomplish anything without my "help." It definitely does not mean good luck however. lol You are right - It was not well wishing.... I think he feels snubbed since I did not accept his offer to put $100K into the company last week and never returned his emails to either accept or reject his offer. He will say "good luck" and sit on the sidelines....check with me in one week to see if I have self-destructed and destroyed the company in the process (I had to make some very bold decisions this week and layoff people that he has told me to layoff for a very long time and restructure the management team).

#18 Apr 30 - 6AM

quietude (not verified)

loveof..

He's a snake in the grass, I'd be on my toes with this one...you may want to try narcnarc's trick of keeping a small recording device with you, or in your office...that you can easily activate if he decides to pay you a personal visit. You may also considering doing damage control with those bankers, or anyone you work with that he has access to, if your intention is to sever the relationship. ..."(I still can't tell whether it is for the company's benefit or his personal benefit)"...ALWAYS for their benefit, and they don't care who they knock down along the way.

#19 Apr 30 - 6AM

Barbara (not verified)

loveofmylife

pathologicals don't know what a straight answer is continue total NC - do NOT let him guilt you into ANY contact at all. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

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