Should I Tell Her

I did believe her but i thought she was just a drunk he had an affair with and not a relationship. I had a total anxierty attack after she told me he juggled 4 girlfriends, wrecked her car and then never spoke to her again. I thought he had matured and I was his first serious GF. I confronted him that a woman told me i was not his GF, just one of many and he freaked out and had road rage. He never yells, he is very quiet. he denied it, insisted he was faithful to me and that people say alot of things about him... I never told him who told me or that I knew about him abandoning someone after he wrecked the car. i kept that info filed away and decided it was to my advantage to not tell and just observe. After some time, I forgot about it and relaxed - 3 years later he abandoned me without a word after a 10 yr relationship. She had warned me and said it is so weird he won't talk to me. She wondered why he hated her when he was the one who had done something bad. Now we know it was a narc injury and he could not face his repsonsibilities. he had borrowed her car to go visit his daughter, he had only an old car because he did not pay child support to a woman who sued him. It was one mess with a woman after another - he was so secretive it took me years to put it all together. I had to research it on the internet...the car accident was not his fault but why abandon the poor woman...they are cowards. Over time I realized she was not just a bar lady affair because he would often turn his head and stare at her house when we passed it for years. Clearly he was still thinking of her. i never let him know that i was on to him...but he still totally took me down. I appreciated the info from her but she was nasty and tried to hurt me and said inappropriate things. she wanted me to be a drinking buddy..

I wouldn't do it if I was you all she is going o do is run back and tell him and he is going to lie. This is his wife for godsake. She is not going to believe you. If you're going to do this get proof like recorded comversations or something. you can email her those from your cellphone. after that i would be done with it .

I struggle with contacting the women BEFORE me, my exN lived with this girl for 4 years, D&D'd her over a year ago then began dating me. Of course he told me she was the crazy one. As of the last time I talked to exN, 6 weeks ago, she was still not over him, she would call and text constantly begging for him back, threatening suicide, saying he promised her that would never leave (he cheated on her with a co-worker, and she begged for him back). This girl is a total sweatheart, I knew her before I met the exN (The exN, her, me, my previous ex, ANDDD the girl he cheated on her with all worked together - imagine that - what a lovely work environment, huh!) Oh he kept it a secret from her that we dated, so she still didnt even know when we worked side by side. I so want to contact her at times to just scream "Hes not this great guy who we both fell in love with!! He's a mainputlating, controlling, miserable person! You NEED to move on" I would love to open her eyes to Narcissim & this board, to help her move on. He will never give her the life she deserves. But, I'm so afraid it will backfire, and set me back in my own recovery from this horrible mess. I know she will just call him up and somehow he will jsut turn this all on me!!! But how great would it be if we could give each other support on the same Narc....

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Absent a formal diagnosis of the Narc, I'd tread very carefully. Psychopath's major symptom is narcissism. While there are varying degrees, whether we call them Narcs, Sociopaths or Psychopaths, you don't want to mess with them. Narcs being I guess at the lower end of the other two spectrums, their rage can be quite dangerous and if by chance he falls into the other two...well there is no telling. Stay AWAY...far away...this is not a "normal" man you're dealing with but a very sick individual that could if he so chooses make YOUR life a living hell for a very long time out of scorn. If it helps to really dismiss this idea, think: Bundy, Dahmer, O.J. Peterson or take a look at Hunter's profile pic...you just don't know what you're dealing with.

I ended up warning my narc's other woman....yes, yes, I get that they should be allowed to learn the hard way because they are so much under his spell, and want so much to believe him, they will refuse to heed our warnings. All good points, and I don't deny their validity. Yes, speaking for myself, as much as I tried and tried not to say anything, I felt like it was the right thing to do to at least try to warn her. Doesn't matter how much my word is discounted by her or him. I know the truth, and I had to speak it even if it initially reflects poorly on my character supposedly as being some kind of jealous psycho bitch. I don't care! I couldn't live with myself without at least trying! Even if she rejects my warnings, I know I tried to warn her, and I spoke the truth...I have no doubt as time moves forward and his behavior degrades into true narc fashion, I will be vindicated, and I have to hope that on some level my warnings are sinking in and she won't be totally blind sided by the abuse headed her way and maybe won't be hurt as badly as I was.

Oh...should you tell her. Hmmm. I vote 'no.' You could help her. You could plant a seed of doubt...BUT. These men, as we know...are masterful manipulators. In the end, you will be seen as nuts...psycho...stalking. She will believe him. Your heart is in the right place with it. She ''deserves'' to know. But...it brings you into their life...into the web of weirdness, and you need to heal. I am sorry you endured this.

I am sitting here dumbfounded. WOW!!!!!!!!!!! Dated you. Got married while he dated you. WOW! A thought about the neighbor getting a letter. That could be to upset you, only. That it'd get back to you. My ex is hoovering in ways that are so strange, and make no sense. Think of it as indirect hoovering. He wants you to know he did that, he knew your neighbor would tell you. (assuming this is how you found out?) I'm so sorry. Gosh, this is a terrible story, but the goodnews...YOU didn't marry him! YOU'RE FREEEEEEEEEE! {{HUGS}} AND Stay strong.

WTF? 8 weeks, these guys are just insane! Run away as fast as you can and stay out of it! Hunter

I don't know if you should tell her, but I told the current girlfriend of my ex (who now lives in another country)some of what he did to me while we were dating and how he broke up with me. I emailed her. She wanted me to call her, but I told her that I'd rather correspond through email. I wanted to stay as emotionally distant as possible. She wrote that she was shocked and concerned. She asked me questions about myself (I didn't give her much detail or my real name) and about our relationship.She hasn't contacted me in about a week. I hope I did some good, but as I said to her he's really good at making a woman believe what he tells her. She probably will try to brush everything off and continue with him, but at least she now has a heads up.

You should not. In any case this is a very bad idea. He can be really nasty with you after. She will find it out sooner or later.. I was also concerned about my exN supply, as she has a small kid (not his) and if he will make her feel down the kid will suffer too, but i read a lot and this is very bad idea to share whate we know with them in most of the cases.

Stay out of it. He will say you are lying, You will look like the bad guy. She has to learn for herself and she will. :( Idealk