Completly devaluated

Hardest part for me right now. I don't want to manipulate him either but I am ! Want to tell him to f**koff !! The thing is that yes that makes you worthless to them if you don't play their games and tell them it like it is and the thought of being worthless to him kills me. Yet do I want to be his "supply" ? Do I want to be anyones "supply" ! I want to be loved. Real love. Loved and adored really not fakely ! So why if I know it am I still doing the dance !!! Finally saw a therapist today. We call them counsellors in the UK. I've got 6 sessions with her. Hope it helps. She seemed to understand my dilemma and understands the abusive cycle but not sure if she knows narcs. Will see how it progresses. Just feel paralysed today. Utterly miserable. I still am in a state of denial. I just can't accept the fact that he's like any of the men I've read about on here. Guess he's more subtle or cunning maybe. Maybe a real phsycopath ! Another painful thing I'm avoiding is telling him I can't have him in my life anymore and him accepting it like its nothing and he wanted it anyway ! That's not normal is it ?! PIG ! I hate him. How dare he be so cruel and heartless when all I've ever done is love him

I felt this way yesterday! Everyone told me to do something fun! I did and Im back to not caring about the idiot and what he does! As far as the other women, she'll be visiting us soon! Idealk

I think he will be "in your head" for a long time. You were in love with him. There was a long relationship. It ended unsatisfactorily. You were used. It is said that it takes about two years to get over a failed love relationship. Falling in love again definitely helps. Then there is the pathological relationship. A pathologically disordered person with a personality disorder gets inside the head of the victim in an insidious fashion which is hard to shake. The victim is changed. My N is a psychopath. I am NOT in love with him. I do not miss my N. I never want to see him again. I am terrified of him. But, I think of him everyday. I think about how he used me, manipulated me, robbed me of money, broke & stole my possessions, emotionally raped me. Sought reconciliation with me while he was seducing, living with, and engaged to marry another woman (but keeping NW a secret from me). Years of my life spent with an illusion of a man, nothing was real. I think this is a trauma of some kind. How long to recover, I do not know. You know what? If your N is a bad guy, what happened to me is going to happen to this little girl he's marrying. And, he didn't contact you because you are not useful at this point. But, one day, you will be & he will call. The question is: What are you going to do when/if the call comes in?

We were talking about this earlier...I too want to congratulate you for a job well done. In terms of him being in your head...in time he will vacate...just don't fight it too much...when you do, I think they tend to cling more...but that is just my theory...I let mine hang out in there...I don't give him attention...I figure just like the physical...his mental presence will eventually leave without closure and it will be OKAYEEEE by me. Hugs!

Seriously well done for keeping NC on this , you have done youreself proud . It is amazing how before when you where together you thought you where as close as two people could be and here you are being completely blanked out , it makes you want to pinch youreself , it makes you question reality and this is gaslighing at its best (worst)... and he knows it . When you start to look at who is blanking you the pain becomes less , essentualy you have been D&D by an emotional reatard , he is stuck at 6 years old and if you have ever watched 6 year olds in the play ground they have new "best friends" every day Lets remember the AA milne peom "now we are six " "When i was one id just begun, When i was two i was nearly new. When i was three i was hardly me, When i was four i was not much more. When i was five i was barely alive . But now i am six im as clever as clever ! And i think ill stay six for ever and ever !" xx

I know he will eventually come back to this city to visit his family and he has a house here. I fear both not knowing that he is here and running in to him and knowing that he is here and that he makes no contact with me...I am not over him at all... I feel i could manipulate him if I wanted to but I do not desire any more sick games...still I know I will be devastated if I find out he is a one minute down the street and has no interest in saying hello. My things are still in his house so he may use that as an excuse to contact me but more likely, he either will be too much a coward to face me, or just plain old not care. When i broke contact by phone after several months, there was still alot of emotion and tension between us...he seemed scared of me, like a little kid who knows they have been bad. I actually felt like his mom calling and saying "You know this is not right after 12 years of friendship..." which he agreed with. I digress, but it really was like talking to a ghost...he was nice enough but just passively agreed with everything I said! Weird...He maintains full control by being receptive to my contact but by never initiating contact, continues the total rejection, while entertained by my attempts for closure... I know its for the best to not get a visual of someone...we are lucky if we fell off their radar.