1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. The Path Forward Forum
  5. Denial

Denial

28 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Mar 13 - 6AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Denial

I had a thought this morning. When I first came here I was in complete denial. On the surface I could read all about narcissism and see that there is no hope but I couldnt integrate it into my heart. On an intellectual level I could completely comprehend and understand but on an emotional level I just couldnt.

I realized this morning that this is exactly how the disordered feel. They can see that they are doing wrong. They read and see and know what love is on an intellectual level but they cannot integrate on the emotional level.

I so often feel that many times I feel like he feels that I have some sort of concept of whats going on with him in that I have exhibited some of his symptoms just from having been in contact with him. It is quite common to exhibit symptoms of their disorder especially if you have been with a borderline

Mar 13 - 1PM
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

I had been trying to figure

I had been trying to figure out his issues for months, trying to find some kind of coping mechanism that would enable me to split Dr Jekyll away from My Hyde, and I'd found alsorts of fragments but nothing that seemed to fill in the complete picture. When I first started entertaining the idea it was NPD I refused to believe it was really the case. Partly this was because of my believe that my father has NPD and so I thought I knew all the symptoms. It took me a while to realise that, obviously, a father-son relationship and a romantic relationship are going to be very different, and just because two people have NPD, it doesn't follow that they'll have the SAME personality, period. Once I'd got that far I started to research NPD more and began to believe it more and more. Now it just seems such a perfect I can't believe I once questioned it.
Mar 13 - 1PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Come now I know some of you

Come now I know some of you out there are in some big time denial..... Lets here it.
Mar 13 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Well, SOI

I'll be totally honest. Ever since my therapist suggested that my ex may have been BPD I've been on a bit of a backslide. I've been reading Sheri's site and everything, but I have to take it slow because it's physically exhausting. I am reading up because I am trying to understand why I keep getting involved with these Cluster B types. I was warned that digging into BPD could trigger my empathy chip. That's exactly what's happened. I find myself missing my ex again. I become sad feeling like I failed to help him. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with guilt. I don't know if it qualifies as denial exactly, but I'm definitely in a place I thought I had moved beyond.
Mar 13 - 2PM (Reply to #24)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

yes Ally I did the same thing

yes Ally I did the same thing a about six weeks ago whenI started nailing down that it was Bpd. He didnt present like the typical Bpd but is the "quiet type" when I read Sharis description of cassanova it was him to a tee. Then I began reading up on it and found that it is an emotional dysregulation problem and that they actually do have emotions and are capable of feeling love. They are able to recover and bingo the empathy kicked in. I started thinking he can be fixed but as I continued digging I have found out that it is not a matter of whether they can be fixed its a matter of they wont. Their disorder keeps them from seeking help and that eventually they take on many narcissitic traits which mine definitely has. The bigger question is why would we want to fix them? Why do we feel it is our responsibility? It sounds like you are looking into that. Thats where your healing lies. I have often thought would I really want him if he were normal? Would he be so intriguing? I dont know but if I am being honest I lean towards no. I think he is plenty aware of that. I think he knows hes really not that interesting that its his bizarre behavior is what keeps it interesting Heres the thing that brings me back to reality though. Even if he did seek treatment which I think he may have been they often get frustrated and give up especially when they have latched on to someone. Mine has no problem latching on to someone for supply as he is extremely good looking. So in reality there is no hope and even there was it would be years of therapy. This so ingrained him now at 44 there is no turning back for him
Mar 13 - 2PM (Reply to #25)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

SOI

"They are able to recover and bingo the empathy kicked in." Yep. That's exactly the part that got to me. I had to dial back all the self-destructive tendencies to succumb to one of his hoovers, to try to help him. I really loved that man. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to try to help someone I love who is hurting. I'm doing exactly what you are suggesting. I am trying to help myself now. I got pretty crushed by the relationship. That's what keeps me grounded in reality. Even if I COULD help him (which is unlikely) my first responsibility is to me.
Mar 13 - 2PM (Reply to #26)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

yep Ally its really tough I

yep Ally its really tough I loved mine too. He's made appearances in my life since age 17 and I was pregnant with him. Its hard to imagine that someone that you share that much with can just discard you as if you were nothing. He literally will not speak to me. This is what I got after months of him telling me he wanted me back and was gonna wait as long as it took that he had never been more sure of anything in his life and the switch flipped and the coldness started. It really is so very sad for me, for him, for the child we lost. The odd thing is that he is adopted. He has no biological connections other than me ironically thru the baby we lost. You would think he would at least want to have some sort of relationship with me in that I believe on an eternal level we are connected. I truly believe that once you conceive a child with someone that you become connected on a spiritual level.
Mar 13 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Ally

I'm just wondering...at a certain point...PDI's all tend to overlap... Whether he's a narcissist, borderline, antisocial whatever, they all pretty much - especially borderlines and narcs and in a lot of cases what we have are borderlines w/narc tendencies...whatever...in 2013 even the DSM is gonna lump them all under ONE cluster. So, you've devoted a lot of time, like we all have trying to "understand" at this point, trying to figure out the meat and potatoes of this disorder serves what purpose? Does it spell out any clearer how you've been put through the ringer? Do we always have to know the EXACT color of the dysfuntion or just that it was dysfunctional. I am wondering if maybe moving away from "exhausting" yourself focusing on the details of the disorder vs. re-focusing somehow in some area more towards a journey for yourself at this point might be more beneficial to you... I am in no way criticizing or even saying back away from what you're doing but I'm just wondering at this point based on what you've expressed if whether or not you see this as a viable option or if there is more drawing you deeper at this point when it appears from some of your other posts...you pretty much have a good understanding. Thoughts?
Mar 13 - 2PM (Reply to #15)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Hi Michele

A perfectly valid question. I have to clarify that I am not trying to learn more about PDs because I want to understand my ex better. It's no longer about proving to myself that my ex is disordered, a bad partner for me, whatever. I accept all of that. The exact nature of his disorder doesn't matter. He made the choices he made and the result is no contact. Full stop. I am reading because I am trying to understand MYSELF better. There is a reason I choose these relationships and ONLY these relationships. Sheri's site has a lot of great information about the women who get involved with Borderline men. Some is very difficult to face, but I've decided the only way to do it is with an open heart, really considering what she's saying. I'm determined to not only heal from this latest relationship, but to heal the wound that drove me to it. Ultimately this is a good thing, but right now it kind of sucks.
Mar 13 - 5PM (Reply to #19)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ally

You are one smart cookie! Your posts are always Great! Its seems we all of go through the same process, the time frame differs. The good news is one day we will be free. Idealk
Mar 13 - 5PM (Reply to #22)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Ideal

Thanks, hun! Thought you were going to bust my ass for still being sad. ;) It's true that the timeframe is different for everyone. I have to remind myself that healing is a back and forth process, as well. Wish I could wave a magic wand and we would all have moved on!
Mar 13 - 5PM (Reply to #23)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ally

Sad is just what we feel. If you contact him, I will bite you. Love your font TEEHEE!! Idealk
Mar 13 - 5PM (Reply to #20)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Damn I thought you were

Damn I thought you were talking about me! sigh! Uh oh I think Im a Narc LOL!
Mar 13 - 5PM (Reply to #21)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

SOI

You're a Smart Ass! TEEHEE!!! Love you! HUGS!
Mar 13 - 5PM (Reply to #18)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I understand the method to your healing...

And yes, it is a challenge...one I share... I hope that insight, enlightenment and a sense of peace is forthcoming very soon for you. Hugs!
Mar 13 - 2PM (Reply to #16)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Ally I dont know about you

Ally I dont know about you but I am a raging codependent and reading and nailing down his disorder is about control for me. I know that to be the case but in this case the control factor is serving a purpose in that I have realized that it is my codependency that has let allow him back into my life. I have major control issues. and btw Sheri nailed it! when I went to her site and read It was an OMG OMG OMG this is me and this is him moment
Mar 13 - 3PM (Reply to #17)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

SOI

Nah, codependency isn't my particular issue, but I've got plenty of others to tackle. :)
Mar 13 - 7AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

SOI

Hi There, Thank you for this, I guess in the beginning stages, Denial is part of it, Being here has help me heal, I appreciate the input of our members as they understand the issues of the disorder. Listening to the advice of all of you is welcome. Thank you Idealk
Mar 13 - 7AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Sick of it

You said: I so often feel that many times I feel like he feels that I have some sort of concept of whats going on with him in that I have exhibited some of his symptoms just from having been in contact with him. It is quite common to exhibit symptoms of their disorder especially if you have been with a borderline And whether it can be proven or not in all that we read, I can attest that it is true that we exhibit symptoms of thier disorder but I am wondering where you found this documented...I've passed along a few things, but I can't seem to locate anything now...could you maybe point me somwhere where I can read up on it as many of us especially during the early stages struggle with the "I'm going crazy" feeling and I'd like to shore up my ability to articulate the dynamics of why this happens... I read up early on but never thought I'd need to save it? I mentally validated myself I wasn't really "going mad" and moved on...but now, I'd like some resources. Hugs!
Mar 13 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I will try and find it for

I will try and find it for you. It may take me a couple days in that my mom is here and I can't really pull this stuff up on the computer in front of her. I know some of Sharis stuff about borderlines adresses it but I know for a fact that I have taken on symptoms of his pathology. In fact in the beginning I could not fathom or integrate the fact that there could be something in me that may have played a part. I just completely rejected that idea much like they do. If your around a sick person long enough you will start to exhibit symptoms. I guess the old lie down with dogs get up with fleas theory
Mar 13 - 7AM (Reply to #3)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thank you Sick of It...

I appreciate it...in the interim I will review Shari's work, you pointed it out the other day and it was a very good site... Although perhaps the latter re: Dogs and fleas is the most "pathologically" accurate analogy and I will find a way to incorporate it into my bag of tricks... Hugs!
Mar 13 - 7AM (Reply to #4)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I have exhibited some of the

I have exhibited some of the most narcy ass/borderline behavior and it only appears when I have been involved with him I have often thought OMG I am one of them! I am. BARC! But I know that is not the case cause I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have spent months researching what the hell is wrong with me and why I would crave him.
Mar 13 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

LOL!

Well, I went the other way...somehow, towards him...I became a Narc in rebellion and protest!.... Crazy isn't it... Oh, the hell with them! Hugs!
Mar 13 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I am sitting here LMAO at the

I am sitting here LMAO at the thought that my crazy ass behavior may have scared the shit out of him!
Mar 13 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Who knew!?

LOL right along with you...*cheers*
Mar 13 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Ill tell ya this that mofo

Ill tell ya this that mofo has the ability to turn me into a raging lunatic and in fact when we reconnected we laughed about it. I have never exhibited the crazy obsession with anyone else. Never. He brings out the absolute worst in me. I hope he is sitting around his house thinking ya know sick of it is one crazy b@tch. I dont trust her. I would love that!
Mar 13 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Don't be surprised...

I had a friend of mine who is a psych professional tell me: "he's scared of you"...yikes!...LOL
Mar 13 - 5PM (Reply to #10)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

I hope when he looks at my

I hope when he looks at my pics that Im sure he has saved to do God knows what...um well I think we know he probably uses them for a little private time with himself LOL but what I hope is every time he looks at them Crazy bitch Crazy bitch starts going off in his head !!!