No Contact Help

18 posts / 0 new

#1 Mar 12 - 11AM

sara-smile

No Contact Help

Out of all the steps in this recovery process NC is the absolute most difficult thing!! Please help me understand and get this NC thing through my thick head! I've read it a billion times and been told a billion times NC is the only way to get through this. Could you please share some examples with me of how NC has helped you? You can tell me to stay NC all day long but my brain doesn't get it! I need something to relate to I guess???

Would love to hear your success stories! Or stories of how you struggled and then finally did it!

Thanks for your help!

Sara

#2 Mar 13 - 8AM

michele115 (not verified)

Sara

NC is hard...very hard... Look, this is an unhealthy relationship...and the disordered one is fueled by "supply" ANYTHING is supply...anything at all...they are very much like drug addcits and I will post something a little later that might give you an aha moment on this...my tabs aren't working so I cant switch over. Basically as long as you are giving "energy" to this, you will still be caught up in the vortex. They study you they unfortunately know you better than you it's just a sick talent they have...it's how they lure us...they study us first, and learn our weaknesses then use them against us...there are no rules, boundaries or consciousness on thier part so essentially we end up flies in their web and you know what spiders do to flies... NC is detox for victims...in a way we too became "addicts" but addicts to dysfuntion...we could have been the sanest people walking but we got duped then sucked into sickness and then got caught up in it...sick of it an I just had a little discussion on it - about how over time we begin to act out their craziness... SO in order to get out of that rabbithole you need to detach and that mean sever all connections... So what do most of us do?...I SAID MOST NOT ALL...we don't speak to them but we peek on FB and we learn they have a new girlfriend, or we see them flirting, or we notice a picture and then we sit there and stew and get all these obsessive thoughts and get angry, and sad, and depressed and all these things overwhelm us and then we feel worse and even in absentia, we're still stuck in HIS sick web by default... OR we find other ways to "keep tabs" under the guise of really "seeing" or "finding the truth" or whatever justifications we delude ourselves with... AND it is normal, and it happens and it is the reason why in a way this board exists...to support one another through the process, to find validation that we're not crazy and that what we are doing, thinking and feeling is not abnormal UNDER THE SPECIFIC circumstances because MOST whom have never gone through this really don't understand... Think about it...if the professionals can't really articulate much and are still in the dark on a lot of things, what makes us think we're so "special" and enlightened? We're not...we've been knocked to our knees and are in shock and paralyzed. So NC takes a lot of resolve and discipline to stick to and you may very well fall off the wagon. The important thing is that if this happens, that you have the discipline to A. Forgive yourself for being human and B. Have the reserve to get back on the wagon. BUT until you get really disciplined about it...each time you find a loophole around NC each time you find a justification...know that you will experience more negative feelings...it will take you back a few steps. NC does allow the head to clear, over time the fog lifts and if you stay on the board, over time, things do become clearer, you learn more, the time and the distance lessens the pain, you are no longer caught up in the sick games trying to make sense of all the babblespeak. Narcs are about control so they will be delighted to keep playing games with you as long as you let them. When they feel they're losing you...just for control purposes, they will try every trick in the book to lure you back in...just for sport...they will tell you all you want to hear...and then drop you back on your head...they enjoy this...this gives them a sense of "power" So the best way to return the favor is by starving them completely by giving No attention, no energy, no supply by simply ignoring them through NC... They care nothing about your feelings, and they will even try to play victim to play on your sympaties...you have to be the stronger one and detatch... In desperation, some have been known to FAKE CANCER!!! although one recent member does have a narc in her past that actually does have cancer but what I am saying is they are about manipulation and control and the only way to break free is NC... The more you read and understand, the more you will slowly be able to objectively see what this is and begin to embrace the reality. Good luck and know that on this board is a dynamic group of people just like you who understand and are here to support. Hugs!

#3 Mar 13 - 7AM

broken23

Sarasmile... I see we are

Sarasmile... I see we are both having the same problem huh. Except that I have made it 11 months, almost a year. And when i mean NC i mean...no calls, texts, no facebook stalking, no mutual friend updates...Nothing. I have NO IDEA how he is, where he is, or what is going on with his life. So with that said I can tell you some of the benefits: - The biggest one is I have finally had the chance to focus on me. Keeping in touch and knowing whats going on in his life always let him have the upper hand but also kept me feeling sick and angry about what he is doing and not doing. you know what i am saying. It was always about him. And for the first time I have had time for me. Now at first that was scary because I had neglected me for so long that i almost didnt want to face the mess i had become but after 11 months, I am starting to see days where I like myself again and have fun with myself again. - It has allowed me to give up hope. hope that he will change. By breaking NC it takes but a minute for me to by into his bullshit. I can honestly say now it would not take minutes but maybe days lol...im just being honest. They are good. So i dont assume im not strong enough to not fall into his bs but i know i am stronger and wont immediately fall into it. - Last but not least, its given me the confidence I can make it. I can live without him. Life didnt end, because he is gone. Hugs

#4 Mar 12 - 2PM

neverlookback

TWO MONTHS NC and ......

I have absolutely no desire to contact him, NONE. But it took me a good year to reach this stage also. I failed many times with NC, I would go a week and thought I would die if I didnt talk to him. Now his voice even makes me skin crawl, creepy slimy little freak!!!!!! The first two weeks of NC is HELL you are cutting off something that made you feel more alive than you have ever felt in your life. In fact I wager to say you will most likely NEVER have another relationship like the one you had with your narc as I will never have another one like it either and that is a GOOD THING trust me. ITs a SICK, pathological relationship and it destroys your mental and physical health and eventually your WHOLE LIFE. This person is toxic to you just as heroin is but oh boy I am sure heroin makes you feel pretty damn good almost euphoric. (I never took the stuff but from what I have read) I dont have a magic answer for you but if you give NC a chance no matter how much it hurts you are on your way to recovery and the longer you are NC the more clearly you will see what a disordered person he was. Nothing about him will matter to you anymore, who he is with, why he did what he did to you, (he did that because that is what they are and that is what they do) They are Rotten rotten people and you will find thru nc you have always deserved better than what he gave you. Now that I am out I am sad that I wasted so many years so unhappy over a piece of sick garbage but better late than never. NC is the KEY to your recover and happiness and its the ONLY WAY HONEY, THE ONLY WAY you will see the light x0x0x0

#5 Mar 12 - 3PM (Reply to #12)

sara-smile

neverlookback

Thank you for sharing!!! I know he is toxic and he makes me physically sick every time I break NC. I get deathly sick! That should be a major red flag for me! He's a horrible horrible person and I am so much better than what he's done to me. My brain knows all of this but it's like I want to talk to him to see if he might have changed (which is just stupid...they never change) so I can get out of the craziness and quit trying to figure out HOW I let him do this to me! How did I fall for such a heartless, soulless, predator! All of this just sucks! I've wasted more energy on this man than anything else in my life!! I start therapy Tuesday and I think that is going to help. I'm looking forward to it. Thanks again for the pep talk and your experience. I will get there. I'm too strong to let him destroy me.

#6 Mar 12 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

neverlookback

"talk to him to see if he might have changed.....

I am in no way someone that could counsel you but I see a bit of denial on your part, I think we like denial sometimes because it is a mechanism we use to ease the pain, I know I did. I simply did NOT want to believe this man was THIS DISORDERED, I would not accept it. As I walked around in denial for a good two years I also walked around with blinders on and trust me this only prolongs what we know WE MUST DO. Sara I knew two years ago that I had to end the sick relationship but I was scared, terrified that it would kill me if I let him go, and I mean that is just ridiculous because as much as we feel NC is killing us none of us have physically died from it. You fell for such a predator because that is what predators do, that is why they are CALLED predators because they disguise themselves as something they are not to lure their prey, Gacey disguised himself as a clown so children would come to him easily, Jeff Domer pretended he was injured so women would help him to his car and he could take them and then kill them, my predator disguised himself as the perfect catch and professed how much he always had an undying love for me so he could gain my trust, he gave me what he KNEW I WANTED. He saw me as a wounded lonely woman. Predators always have a sick surprise waiting for you at the end of the hunt. THey captivate you with their bait, the bait they KNOW you want and once we take it they keep giving you more and more bait and we keep going after it. I mean think of a poor little mouse and the mouse trap. Sometimes people put peanut butter on the trap to lure the mice and one day SNAP that trap will go off and they have caught that mouse. Same concept with psychopaths and narcissists. I wanted mine to change too but thats like wanting a cow to turn into a dog, it will NEVER happen. I kept looking for signs that I meant something to him that maybe just maybe I was that someone special in his life he had found and that I was different from all the rest and his true match, ya right thank GOD I was not his match - I might have been the best supply he ever had but who the F wants to be someone's supply? Counseling and educating yourself on this disorder will help you tremendously and one day you will just GET IT, you will understand in your heart that you loved a disordered man and it was NOT your fault in any way that this happened to you or that you fell for a predator, really what you loved was the illusion he created for you and that is a painful thing to recover from, I still get glimpses in my mind of the prince he was but then it goes away rather quickly when I see him choking me. Hope your counseling goes well and it gets you on the path to NO CONTACT the sooner the better so you can start living the life you deserve x0x0x0

#7 Mar 12 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

sara-smile

neverlookback

Thank you for being kind but a BIT of denial is not even close. How about major denial? My best friend calls me Cleopatra, Queen of Denial! :) I know I am in denial. The crazy thing is I'm not this way all the time. Some days things are so clear it's shocking to my system and those days are NC days. Talking to him throws me into major denial. That is why I am so desperate to stick to NC! I've been thinking about being a source of supply for him too. You are right.....who the hell wants to be "supply"? Not me! I want a normal peaceful life and that would never happen with him. Last week I told him that if we had stayed together I would have been dead in a year from the physical effects he has on my disease. I can see small things that tells me I am getting better. Those things make me smile! Gives me hope! I see huge things that I need to work on and admit and come out of denial! I'm praying that this therapist can help me and help me move along in this process. This forum has been my lifesaver too! I am so thankful for everyone here! Thank you again neverlookback.......all of this has been so helpful. 6 hours ago I thought I was going crazy and was dying to pick up the phone and call him but that has completely passed now. While I was walking this afternoon I realized how much better I feel when I focus on me and doing things for ME! I'm going to try to start focusing on that more. That is the one thing right now that works. You've been great! Thank you! Cleopatra, Queen of Denial

#8 Mar 13 - 6AM (Reply to #15)

neverlookback

a few weeks ago

I thought ok I will text him and tell him he is a sick sob and I am glad he is out of my life, I struggle with Closure BIG TIME and I will warn you Sara when we go NC and months go by there are other painful issues that we have to deal with and one of them is never getting closure and thats a BIG ONE FOR ME. However, when I stop to think of the countless times I TRIED to tell him his behavior was wrong all he would tell me was I forgot to take my meds or I was insecure or I was unstable. Aside from the personal healing to our hearts we must do there are other things we are left with in the aftermath, not ONLY are we left with shattered lives we have to accept that this person was severely disordered and there will truly NEVER be any sense of a peaceful closure when the relationship ends. It is written that we are to find our own closure but you never really can because there are too many unanswered questions that we are left with. We only know ONE FACT to be true: THEY ARE DISORDERED. And even in the beginning some of us still question that, oh maybe it was me, maybe he really wasnt that bad, look at him now with another woman and they seem like they are so in love and so happy and doing so well. Cog dis makes us at times almost lose our minds in the process of sorting it all out. We go back and try to remember everything they told us and every detail and we try to sort it all out of what they really were, all the signs, red flags, all the lies, and the betrayal they handed us. I try to remember that a relationship with someone is supposed to make us feel GOOD about ourselves, NOT BAD and in pain and maybe that is all I need to always remember when I have doubts and try to sort everything out. You will find with NC the dynamics really change, it goes from ALL ABOUT HIM, to ALL ABOUT ME and it was long over due because he sure as hell never cared about ME so its time I DID. That is good that you are focusing on YOU it will make you feel better and you deserve to focus on YOU and enjoy and love every minute of it. You are NOT queen of denial we are queens of Cognitive Dissonance which is by the way a REAL mental condition that we are left to suffer with when they are gone especially. Who in the hell would not want to deny or want to believe they were narcs or psychopaths? (the two names are pretty closely related) who would not want to believe that someone could actually do this to another person? This is pretty sick behavior they do and its a very very very serious mental condition and disorder they have. They have a severe personality disorder and it has caused total destruction to others lives. Sometimes I feel this is a forum for those that have fallen victim to PSYCHOPATHS, social predators of the worst kind, they should be behind bars or in mental institutions away from society but the law cant do that because they see no crime committed, the women that have been beaten can slap a domestic violence charge on them but they still go on further to commit further internal and psychological harm.Some just dont leave bruises and others do. You are like I was aprox 6 months ago, you are close Sara you know in your heart what you must do. You remind me of myself you just want to end this hell you have been living in you are scared and want to save yourself. You CAN save yourself and YOU WILL be in a better place SOON. I was the queen of obsession with this man, trust me if I can do this you can too, I would have turned my life inside out for him at one time . Believe it or not the attraction you had for him will STOP, his pathology will far outweigh everything you ever felt for him, he will turn into a sick, slimy creep in time, mine gives me the creeps. If you ever want to message me anytime you have a weak moment in the days ahead please feel free I will totally understand your thoughts and obsession because I too was there once and I know what HELL it was. You have a good day and feel good because you are on your way to peace x0x0

#9 Mar 12 - 12PM

really

I can tell you what it's like

I can tell you what it's like for me. It's like a heroin addiction. No, I've never been a heroin addict, but I do know what it's like to crave seeing him. And I know what it's like to see him and feel an instant jolt of something I didn't even realize was missing. He lives in my neighborhood and we both have dogs we walk a lot, so the chances of running into him are great. Ditto for shopping, errands, and all that. I knew him for a long time and was aware of his routines. The first few months, I tried to be cordial, chit-chat, etc until one day he said hello to my dog, but not to me. And as soon as my dog went running to him, he scurried off. Tease me, fine. But tease my dog? NO WAY! At that point, I was done with EVERYTHING!!! I spent the better part of the first year on 'high alert' and intentionally avoiding him. It was horrible. If I saw him coming my way, I'd turn and go another. If I saw his truck in the parking lot, I'd go to another store. It's what worked for me. The more I managed to avoid him, the healthier I felt, the fewer triggers I had about events in the past, and the clearer my head was about who he really is and who I really am. I had lost a lot of that. I didn't know how well it worked until I finally ran into him about 6 weeks ago. I decided I wasn't going to turn and run, but gave him an unemotional, "Hey" and he came on with the full-out, fake, phoney, charismatic personality that I used to think was real. It was COMPLETELY apparent, not having any contact with him in almost a year before that, what a FAKE the guy is. It was totally perceptible in that small exchange of a few sentences. It was really only in that moment that I knew that I knew that I knew that I was right about who he is, had done the right thing to protect myself, and that this is how life had to be and for very good reason. That doesn't mean life it perfect and I have it all sorted out. I still have feelings and I still miss the fun times. I'm still mad about a lot and I'm still sad for him because I know how he got to be this way. BUT, I feel good about who I am again and do not miss ANY of the mindgames, insults, etc - the crap that went along with being around him. That wouldn't be possible w/o NC. And he did walk past my house last night, with no reason to. He could just as easily walk somewhere else. Before NC, I would have been thrilled and thought he couldn't live w/o me, must be interested, all that BS. Now, I just think, he must be bored and needs attention. Well, not from me. There's no way I could say that w/o NC. I would have ended up right back in the abyss. I know that's long, but I hope it helps. It's all a struggle, but you can do it, and it does get so much better!!! hugs, really

#10 Mar 12 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

sara-smile

Really

I understand the heroin addict. I often refer to myself as a junkie! I am 100 percent totally addicted to him. When I talk to him as bad as it is at times I feel like a crack head who just got a hit! It is the most self destructive thing in the world! I honestly believe that if I lived in the same neighborhood with my Narc I would either be in jail or I would have had to move. Working with mine is hard enough but living near him would be a whole different ballgame. You are obviously a very strong person. I keep wondering what will be the breaking point with me like you had. He's said and done so many horrible things that I can't understand WHY I haven't gotten to that point yet. Thanks really for the advice and sharing your story! It does help so much to hear other peoples struggles and success stories! Hugs to you! Sara

#11 Mar 12 - 1PM (Reply to #10)

sara-smile

Really

I wanted to add something...... When I do break NC and I can see straight through him now. Everything that comes out of his mouth is that disgusting charm and BS. I SEE that but still break NC. I'm glad I'm going to therapy Tuesday FINALLY! I think I need it!

#12 Mar 12 - 12PM

Hunter

Sara Smile

You know the answer! NC is for you,. Whenever you make contact, What does it do to you? Yep, Causes a head fuck! See simple and answer to a hard solution. When you were no contact it was peaceful and your eyes were wide open. Its a bit more difficult for you because he is in your office, He will push all the buttons and he seems to be winning. Stand Strong! Idealk

#13 Mar 12 - 1PM (Reply to #6)

sara-smile

Idealk

He hurts me again and again when I break NC so why can't I stop?? I KNOW what it does but still can't stop it! I wonder when enough will be ENOUGH? When is the verbal abuse and mind games ENOUGH? Back to day 1 of NC! Geez! How many times does this make? This one has got to be the last time!!! You may have to kick my ass daily! :)

#14 Mar 12 - 1PM (Reply to #7)

Hunter

Sara Smile

:( I know, I did it too. There is something inside you that just clicks, when it does you'll know. you're getting there. Try Calling me instead. OXOXO ME

#15 Mar 12 - 12PM

onwithmylife

Sarah

I wrote a post to Broken23 about no contact, and you might want to read it, good luck, they do not get it and will never get it!What is the point, they could not care less about you or me????

#16 Mar 12 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

sara-smile

onwithmylife

I was reading her post and can't imagine breaking NC after a year! NC is so hard for me! I wish I could just DO IT!

#17 Mar 12 - 12PM (Reply to #3)

onwithmylife

sara smile

I know how hard it is to break NC, I did so many times and quite truthfully if i could meet a decent,caring man, that I felt a connection with, he would have been history a long time ago, unfortunately I have met nothing but losers on the internet!

#18 Mar 12 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

sara :)

I cannot have full NC because of our daughter, but I keep it to email ONLY on custody matters. Even through email--he still spits venom, twists reality and exhibits so much projection... At least I have it in writing. :) What helps me--I consider him a parasite who sucked the energy from me and stole money. During my marriage, I learned how to be a single mom. I had mentioned the book "Spritual Rules of Engagement". Read it. We women are the managers of the relationship. If an employee isn't performing-fire him. Don't change your standards.

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