Validation

Having just read (second time reading it) “Blood Brother, 33 Reasons My Brother Scott Peterson Is Guilty by Anne Bird. I like the book because Ms. Bird was adopted and didn’t know the Peterson family until later on in her adult life. So Ms. Bird brings with her a different perspective on how Scott’s family dealt with this horrific event. She like most of us struggled with the fact if her brother was a killer or not. Ms. Bird was in need of validation which is something we're all looking for in our past relationship with our ex’s.

I though about my reasons why I believe my ex suffers from a cluster B disorder and decided to construct my own list:

1) My ex shows strong traits of being passive aggressive and used this whenever she wanted to manipulate me or our children.
2) She was a pathological liar and in fact would lie even when the truth would have serve her much better.
3) She was unable to bond not only with our children but also with two other children she lost custody with in her last relationship with her ex husband.
4) She had little or no empathy for anyone but herself.
5) Never in 17 years did her ever acknowledge responsibility for her actions but instead blame everyone else for all her problems in her life.
6) I felt that she was unable or unwilling to love or be loved.
7) I witness more then a few times she would create chaos and interrelationship turmoil between people including between my sons and I.
8) She would express “rages” and show a immature temperament whenever she became frustrated or upset over something no matter how trivial
9) She envied others and thought others envied her.
10) She wanted perfect acceptance and ideal love i.e. “soulmate” and talked about it continually but made a point to me that I wasn’t her soulmate.
11) She was exploitative and used others by emotional manipulation and other control tactics i.e. a control freak.
12) All her previous relationship ended badly and she never had a close relationship with her own family. Something which she herself told me many times. Stating that she felt like the black sheep of the family.
13) She used friends and co-workers for whatever she felt entitle too.
14) She had many secrets and refused to talk out any type of disagreements.
15) I notice missing time and caught her in lies about where she was at like telling me she went to the store but came home without any items and/or very little.
16) In 17 years not once did I see her show any type of affection toward our child and never heard her once tell them “she loved them”. When I brought it too her attention her reply was “oh you are at work when I tell them this”. After I told her to leave and confirmed this with my children both agree and told me that in fact she never did tell them this.
17) In 17 years not once did she ever say she was sorry
18) In 17 years not once did she ever initiate love making
19) Once I remembered how she used sex as a way to manipulate me into buying her a new bed and was told if I didn’t she wouldn’t have sex with me.
20) Never did our needs come first and this was also confirmed by my oldest son.
21) Whenever she did anything like cleaning the children room she make it a point for us to know about it and how it took her all day to do it.
22) She was irresponsible with money but blame others for this as well.
23) Used the “silence treatment” as a form of manipulation.
24) The children and I felt that we had to walk on eggshells around her.
25) Both the children and I would agree with her so as not to upset her being tired of all the fighting and squabble.
26) Oldest son once told me (she wasn’t present) that he believe she was “crazy” and stated “Dad, don’t you get it! She is crazy!”
27) I couldn’t trust her and felt I had to always watch out for any type of dysfunctional behavior. Worried when she was home but also worried when she wasn't. Never knew what to expect from her or her decisions.
28) I felt that we were continually on a emotional roller coaster with her.
29) She told me things we never did together and when I disagree with her, she would reply by stating I had a “bad memory” but hers was superior and she never forgot anything.
30) She lacked normal feeling and never showed any type of bonding with my children nor I.
31) She acted more like our children were possession then children with their own autonomy.
32) Never do I remember her showing me any compassion or kindness toward me.
33) Fighting with my oldest son much like a sister would argue with her brother. I had to remind her many times how she is the parent and needs to find a way to resolve conflicts within the family.

Knowing we will never get any real type of closure, we will at least get some kind of validation and believe if we look for it and can be honest with ourselves. So after 3 years I know I can at least have validation if nothing else.