Topic of the Week/Regaining Ourselves

When xnh first D&D'd, I started working out with a trainer at a local studio twice week, and was just starting to feel good about myself again. I'm not what I would call "athletic", and started working out because of health problems (osteoporosis, arthritis, overweight). I want to take better care of myself in the future. Then I had my catastrophic series of personal events that I can only attribute to "life sometimes sucks" (I badly broke my ankle walking my dogs and was in a cast for 11 weeks, ended up in the hospital with food poisoning, someone drove into the back of my new car while texting, the list went on like this for 6 solid months). This all, of course, derailed my exercising, and added to my depression. lol. After surviving this chain of events, and remaining firmly NC with xnh, I'm now back to working with my trainer again twice a week, walking my dogs, and in addition, I'm also back to drawing again. I currently draw CG art and have a personal online gallery. I've always drawn, and I've played classical piano since I was very small. However, because of the stress and depression from my relationship with xnh and his hideous P daughter, I had stopped doing these things that I dearly love, and which have always been an integral part of me. I was simply so emotionally beat down that I didn't have the drive any longer. Now I'm coming back. The real essence of me is surfacing again in force. My love of art and drawing is returning. I'm feeling the urge to play my piano again. I wake up happy in the mornings now, and I'm feeling more like my old self every day. I can also tell that my focus in life is definitely changing. No longer is my entire existence orbiting around xnh, his drama, his chaos, and and his desires. Now I very much feel that my "destiny" is not marriage. It's somewhere else. I haven't figured out what my path in life is to be yet, but I very much have the feeling that I was put onto this earth for some specific purpose. I've always believed that God puts us here to learn specific lessons, and accomplish specific tasks before our time in life is finished. In my case, I very much feel that I'm now supposed to do something to aid in the better good of some part of mankind during the rest of my life. I feel the need to use my individual personality and talents to help someone else in some way. I believe we're here to learn, and improve ourselves. Now, I'm free to find my personal calling, and embark on a meaningful path with the rest of my life. I just need to figure out which path. lol.

In the beginning when the break up was fresh and I was trying to hold it together emotionally, yoga really saved me big time, I cut back using alcohol, now I might have one or two drinks a week or less. I go to the gym also every day I'm at work, probably 4 times a week, I got a plan together with a trainer there and work on that every week. I plan to sign up for my golf league I was in the year before I met the XN and gave that up after I met him, (big mistake), I joined a meet-up group, for photography, in your area google meet-ups there are groups that meet for all sorts of things, I met a new friend there and we hang out a lot, I have a photo shoot this Saturday taking pictures at a state park, with the group, should be nice we have done other things, I'm going to take sailing lessons this summer, I love to decorate, and cook, and write, I'm actually working on a fiction novel.

I was overweight, and I didn't do my makeup much...I have some disabilities that make wanting to dress up and get girly girly on a regular basis a bit impractical. A friend of mine when this all hit took some pictures of me...I spoke about those pics before...she put on the false eyelashes...she's actually very good with make-up as she's the estranged sister of a celebrity...so when she wasn't estranged, she was in CA with the celebrity living the good life and picked up all the tips and tricks...she made me up beautiful...so I had a few good shots...we took a ton but out of a ton I was only really crazy about a few... I never thought of myself as "ugly" but never really focused on my "beauty" either?...so that was a good spirit booster. Then I went through the meltdown which many of you had the privledge to witness and I couldn't eat so I lost even more weight...for my birthday my niece took MORE pics of me and we made a very vulgar *as in too darn long for the same mug in a video* production with nothing but my pus all over the screen...TWO songs long!!! It was my "coming out" so to speak...the turning of a new leaf... Then I discovered this website where you can superimpose your picture in scenarios...that is how I got the picture that is on my profile. I have about 200 various pictures of me in all kinds of poses...I'm Marilyn Monroe, Greta Garbo, Rita Hayworth, I've been on George Clooney's arm...Johnny Dep is pining over my pictures...all fantasy but I wanted to be an actress and things kinda got derailed it wasn't practical in order to survive due to circumstances at the time...and so this is my substitute for the "glamorous life" and before the looks go I figure WTH...now typically it's not in my nature to be so vain or "look at me look at me" but I'm doing it as a statement of independence...as a statement to say, you know what like it or not I'm enjoying this...if you don't like it...don't look at it...I have them in my FB albums and I change the picture daily according to my moods. I also make "cartoons" out of some of the images and caption the photos with "witty" *at least in my opinion* sayings... THEN...I got into making videos...I took some of my pictures and made a video...then I started *shhhh* stealing images from the net and setting them to music and so I have a few videos that I made. One of them the artist actually subscribed to my page and informally granted permission to use her song...she could have been a chop buster. Warner Brothers blocked one of my videos within five minutes due to copywright infringement...ALL my videos technically are infringing but I figure I'll live on the wild side... AND, I enjoy it...everyday I create a picture or two. At first I was making a ton of them...now I pick one or two post it up as a means of self expression and work on a video here and there. I slowed down some but it's now the way someone might knit...a little at a time... BUT it was and is a terrific diversion. I also dabble in Theosophy which is entirely new to me and volumous enough to keep me quite busy and I am also helping out here on the board...so overall, things are taking shape little by little... And I'm feeling very optimistic even though I still have a lot of residue and a lot to work out...

Me .i am working out 4 days a week,at 55 years of age,3 sizes down....Women at the Gym asking me how i have such good skin no wrinkles at my forties?So ,when i tell them i am 55 they drop their jaw and want to know what i do for it...Then when i get home,i have to cry because ex N told me many times i was an ugly bitch,and if iwas to walk pass him onthe street he would't even look at me...And this i heard 24 hours later from my arrival travelling 5000miles from Europe to be with him in the USA....Sorry,i went off the track of the subject here...I am eating very healthy foods and able to do my own groceries and when i cry,i wash my face and force myself to just DO something...I fell like myself again from time to time....And i am sure will get better....Hughs to all

My time is all mine to do whatever I want to do and not worry if he was bored or would get pissy. I can talk on the phone for hours with my friends and not worry he's listening to every word. I can take my dog for a fast walk and not worry that his short little legs couldn't keep up. I can go to the bathroom with the door open:-) I can take a bubble bath in the middle of the day. I can eat all the whole grain and wheat foods that are good for me. I can walk around my house & talk out loud and say whatever I want. And talk to God about my life. I can go to the horse farm & tell them I'll clean the stalls if they'll let me ride. Sooo many things I am taking pleasure in now. When at first I didn't know how to fill my time with an empty house. It's my empty house again and I love that's it's all mine again.

I've put myself back into school. This keeps my focus on ME, my thoughts, my hopes, wants, and desires. When I focus, and study, I find catharsis in it, somehow. Knowing that it's completely selfish, just for me, and for my own betterment. Finally, having a goal, a purpose, in mind for myself, keeps me grounded in reality. As opposed to listening, mediating, and then becoming the target of further psychological abuse by others. Forget about it! *snicker* It's "all about ME" now.