indenial, you sound exactly like me - it's scary. like somebody said, coming here is a huge step. it has helped me beyond belief and i am only as little as days away from this. everything came crashing down on my head in novemeber, and since then it was just more devastation after devastation. and this past weekend was hell.
re your question - am i am N too? i asked my therapist this same question. i was going through a really tough time because i couldn't believe that i could be sooo addicted to somebody like this. it really made me question myself and blame myself. she confirmed that i wasn't and honestly, if you truly loved him - you aren't an N. Ns don't love. period. you would just seek supply somewhere else if you were an N.
as for your friends, well, i know that it must be really difficult to understand what we all have gone through unless you have gone through it yourself and come out the other side. i understood this, because hey, i was lost in a daze for YEARS. i cant imagine what friends must think - they must be even more confused by the situation - like why we are in something so terrible.
i learned about something called gaslighting. you might want to look it up. but it sounds like that might be involved - it's a mental abuse tactic - and my N used it tons on me. and it made me really question myself. additionally, it made it really complicated to explain why i felt so stuck in a relationship and unable to get out. that's how a lot of women in abusive relationships get stuck. read up on it. knowledge is power, and it might help to be a little more understanding about your friends. it will feel really lonely to not have friends who understand. i talk to my friends but not so much about this anymore. they are all fed up. they don't get it. so i use this forum to help me. people truly understand bc they have experienced it.
you crave his attention bc you have lost a piece of yourself in the relationship - when you are whole again, you will no longer crave his or anybody's attention bc you will feel whole and completely.
similarly, i was in a really healthy relationship for 7 years (i am younger so this is quite a long time for me) - and i left that for an N.
indenial, i sincerely wish you the best. we are in the same boat. it's uncanny how similar you sound to me. use this space to vent and to open yourself up. bc ultimately it will help you heal and move on.
hugs.
You say:
you crave his attention bc you have lost a piece of yourself in the relationship - when you are whole again, you will no longer crave his or anybody's attention bc you will feel whole and completely.
And yes, I know something was lost...innocence perhaps? That notion that there is good even in not so "nice" people but not to the extent that we've learned. I think that is a part that I've lost...the innocence.
But I see many times, we talk about losing a part of ourselves...and there is another part of me that disagrees to a certain extent - and I said it in another post just thinking...that if hypothetically it was an illusion, then we were BOTH sides of the relationship? If HE was an empty shell, he was only what WE were? AND he is always an empty vessel, it is his emptiness that drives him to seek new supply - and if in theory that is correct...than other than say the "innocence" what else do you think they take from us?
I've held that we OWNED all those things to begin with and one cannot take away that which we own...it comes down to our acknowledging, embracing or re-aquainting those things we THINK we lost but we still have?
What is your take on this?
Thanks for your response to this Michele (hey is there any way to get notifications for responses to our comments on somebody else's posts? - just a side question if anybody knows this)
I actually never thought of it this way. And that is a good point! I honestly felt like i lost a piece of my (even if temporary bc I do hope to heal and feel whole again) - bc if I didn't why have I lost my motivation for so many things that use to motivate me? He convinced me that those things weren't important. He convinced me that HE was important.
I lost my self-esteem. He made me feel like he was constantly putting me under the microscope - but never said anything overtly. That realllyyy messed with my head.
I pushed my friends away bc he felt like I gave them too much time.
I started to slip in school.
I sincerely feel like an almost empty shell after all of this - I feel really disconnected with the present, with reality, with other people, and with myself.
Michele, I like your theory. I really do. I guess what I don't understand is, if I didn't lose myself at all, and I was just dating a figment of my imagination, how is it that i feel all of the things above? Wouldn't I just move on feeling... back to my old self?
I'd love to hear your explanation!
Hahahaha...sadly I must report what works in theory isn't as easy in practice!
Don't kid yourself...you've been mentally assaulted by a very stealth weapon...in laymans terms mentally cluster effed...*can I say that here?*...LOL
I do believe that email notification is sent when a new message is posted but I don't think it's for every thread?...Not sure...that might be a good question to pose to Lisa...will follow up with her on that.
You said:
I honestly felt like i lost a piece of my (even if temporary bc I do hope to heal and feel whole again) - bc if I didn't why have I lost my motivation for so many things that use to motivate me? He convinced me that those things weren't important. He convinced me that HE was important.
I lost my self-esteem. He made me feel like he was constantly putting me under the microscope - but never said anything overtly. That realllyyy messed with my head.
-In a way, you did temporarily "lose" youself...typically what these guys do is in the early stages they are checking you out...taking in everything, drawing from you...they are "dazzling you" with their "brilliance" -which is subjective I must add and baffling you unbenowst to you with their B.S.! As they study you...they slowly begin their campaign of brainwashing - and if we could SEE it we wouldn't sit there...it was the fact we were UNAWARE that they were able to take the control.
By nature, as women...generally, we are raised to be nurturers, and we are brought up on that whole "cater to the man" and no, maybe not in a June Cleaver sense but pretty much, we've been molded to believe that as women we assume certain roles and the men assume others...then there is the whole MAN SHORTAGE thing and here is this "CREATURE" that has now walked into our lives and is presenting to be the "answer" to our prayers...he understands us so well CHARM...ahem...and so we get SUCKED UP despite having better sense under NORMAL circumstances...and if we've had a checkered childhood oh boy...we're just a juicy morsel for these dipchits...so we get caught up in that web...
AND before you know it...somehow, someway, they have got you hopping to their every whim, need, desire, you can't bend yourself into a more perfect pretzel...and for a while you are CONVINCED you are actually enjoying it...these guys are MASTER MANIPULATORS...they know just how much honey will attract the bee.
BUT...their mind is constantly ticking because EVEN IF they are not chemically dependent on anything...there is an addiction to SELF...which fuels their compulsion to "Get their needs met" and you sugar bun (which is probably too close to human as he'll see you - sugar toaster is probably more appropriate)...like me are the TOOL/OBJECT/TOASTER? put on earth to do that for him...until in his mind...the universe has determined *the universe being HIM!!! That you just aren't good enough at meeting his needs...and it doesn't take much for him to get there...they get bored easily...
AND DAZED...please repeat to yourself ten times three times a day...THIS ISN'T PERSONAL - HE's DISORDERED...
If you forget reading material when you use the bathroom...use the time wisely to get this mantra in some more...re-brainwash yourself in the right direction...
So, remember, this guy works on mirrors...he targets and takes in your reflection as his own...and he's basically sucking you dry and depleting you in the process...of course you don't know this because you are under the "spell" during this time...he uses gaslighting and other abusive tactics to undermine your sanity and competence. Actually, that which he states he loves so much about you...he envys you for because HE does not have those qualities *think invasion of the body/psych snatchers? So he's sucking you DRY!
Now...there comes a time when you start noticing things...you start wanting to "discuss" or somehow he realizes you are close to being "on" to him. Well, they fear abandonment in a big way and they always have to win...so they have to engage in sabotage *D&D to maintain that upper hand in order to protect the ego and initiate the abandonment before their ego gets a ash whipping by being dumped. NOTE: you could have no intention of EVER dumping him, but this scenario is already in place IN HIS HEAD...so he's working his show and he's not playing with kid gloves either.
His perception is so disturbingly skewed that his only defense against HIMSELF is to counter attack this WAR IN HIS HEAD by destroying you because somehow overnight you have become the enemy...the THREAT...at this stage, we the victims usually get diagnosed by the NARC as bi-polar because they've driven us mad we can't make heads or tails of just WTF is going on...and now, we're acting out their insanity because somehow the relationship takes on this SICK symbiotic dynamic where their insanity rubs off on us temporarily...to varying degrees.
So...yes, your self esteem took a beating because he was able to invade your mind...it was a psychological rape and you have cognitive dissonance running full throttle because you have no idea, nor have never experienced such maddening behavior and it is unfathomable that anyone could be that crazy because he's...just so..."Normal?"
Basically, the end result of all this is a trauma effect...you may experience symptoms of PTSD...doesn't have to last forever...I was diagnosed - it's pretty common. This was domestic violence/emotional abuse.
It was a psychological rape...
So with all that being said...yes, you will have a rough time more than you would with a normal break-up because there were some stealth pscyhological games being played and you weren't prepared and it's a lot to absorb, understand and come to terms with.
I was there...
There is a lot of information out there and you need to educate yourself in order to undrstand because it is through understanding that we are better able to come to terms.
What has helped tremendously for me was realizing "it wasn't personal" BUT also understanding this guy is dangerous to my psyche, my mental health and well being. We can't save them, change them or help them. We don't have to hate them but we have to detach. If you have to hate them to get over it...then that is what you have to do and you hate them. You do whatever you have to do to heal you.
There are six steps that Lisa will be posting in the immediate future. In the interim...you need to get it out, you need to vent...stick close to the board...there is no thought or feeling you are having or experiencing that irrational. NOT ONE...
Essentially, it is also a "grief" process...it is a death...and so your recovery will be very similar to that type of process...you have to be patient with yourself and give time time and work on you and shoring yourself up.
I've also learned and many here have also reported that most folks that are unaware really don't understand and sometimes that further messes with our self esteem. The truth is, this isn't out in the open...most folks think domestic violence is some guy beating the crap out of you and cursing you out. With covert abuse...no one sees what goes on and he appears to be "such a great guy"...so you're working against that too.
Use the board for your venting and sorting it out...but understand that only victims of this kind of abuse will get it.
That is about all I can think of for now, and it's a little late in my neck of the woods, but I would be happy to discuss this further with you tomorrow.
All the best my dear...sending hugs and good vibes for rapid recovery.
You made the first step by coming here. You fell in love with a fantasy , your head is still there. Its part of the emotional rape. No one understands this because it's not normal. Unless you've been there they won't get it , I guess, thank God they don't.
I tell this to everyone, Stop telling your friends, leave them for fun, Tell us everything,we get it.
Your life is not ruined it just feels like it right now. I will say this, if you go back for more you will ruin your life.
I felt the same, everyone here is at a different stage. It takes as long as it takes. Most of it depends on you. I thought my life was over too, I must say, I've never been happier, He took my soul but it was only temporary, this site,therapy, and a lot of soul searching has made me brighter than I was before. I know its something you don't believe right now but if you listen, really listen to us you will win.
This man has damaged you emotionally he will never be happy, he is a predator,he is ill, and there is no cure. Listen to me now.. "YOU CANT FIX HIM"
I just broke my favorite Vase , I had to throw it in the trash :( It made me sad but guess what… I can get a new vase. You my friend, can find happiness and get a new man too, (one that actually gives a shit about you).
This is the same as mourning a death, you will experience all the highs and lows during this morning process. I promise you will see the light again, what you do is up to you.
If you make mistakes along the way I and the others will pick you up but be prepared, My bite sometimes stings. I've been in your shoes, Ive done and felt all the crazy things you are about to experience. If you listen, It will prevent you form making the mistakes I made along the way.
Again, its not easy but its either you or him. Im betting on you as the winner in the end. Don't disappoint me.
Welcome Idealk
It brought tears to my eyes when I read "Stop telling your friends, leave them for fun, Tell us everything,we get it." I feel so grateful to have this safe haven, and all you wonderful people on here who are so supportive and helpful and caring. Even though my friends are great, I sometimes still feel alone and that they don't understand. But, I know all of you do understand and we've all been through the same hell and we're all here for each other.
I'm sorry indenial that you're going through a hard time. I've also been where you are and even though I still have a lot of days where I'm sad and miss my exN so much I do find myself feeling better and getting stronger. My exN had a new gf just a few weeks after we broke up and that hurt like hell. I kept feeling jealous and thinking that he's treating her so much better, and he'll be different with her and that he'll be able to commit to her, but I know that eventually he'll treat her the way that he treated me. As idealk says No Contact is the key! I've been NC a little over 3 months and it's helped me so much. I used to check my exN's Facebook page all the time and look at photos and it hurt so much. Even though I'm still tempted to look and I really want to call him and hear his voice I know that it will just bring me back to square one if I contact him. It isn't easy but it's definitely a big step in recovery and it does help.
You're not alone and we're all here for you!
Hugs
I have to keep it short because my hands are a little carparal tunneled out today...
BUT there is a dynamic that occurs when we are engaged in these relationships where we temporarily take on their insanity...it will pass...promise...
Take it one day at a time...i just took an anti inflammatory...hopefully the hands will be working again soon.
Hugs!
indenial, you sound exactly
Dazed...
Thanks for your response to
Dazedandseeking...
Indenial
Brought tears to my eyes
In denial