getting my head round him being with someone else

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#1 Feb 27 - 5PM
indenial
indenial's picture

getting my head round him being with someone else

I cant cope with the thought that he may already have someone else. Despite all ive read and now believe i still cant get my head round this thought. its breaking my heart and stopping me from accepting and moving on. While im sitting here devastated and unable to even leave the house he may be out there with someone new giving them all he gave me in the beginning. Im avoiding even driving to the shops in case i pass him or see him with someone new or hear it from someone else. I cant go on like this . What do i do? can anyone help?

Mar 6 - 2PM
indenial
indenial's picture

To be honest I don't even

To be honest I don't even know if he really is a narc ! He fits a lot of the criteria or at least some of the past behaviours indicate it but then so do mine ! I toyed with him for a year and hurt him badly. I don't really have a definate reason to think he's cheated but his relationship with his ex wife doesn't appear to be quite as distant as he said it was. I am an insecure person. I don't trust easily and I feel insecure that he may cheat on me cos he did his wife and his job and social circle make me feel insecure that the opportunity is there for him to cheat but is that just my insecurity. I've never been out with anyone before who I didn't feel I had the upperhand with and I struggle with that. I've never been with someone who's such a strong charachter I honestly don't know who's the problem here me or him. We both have terrible insecurities about each other but since reading about narcs I've started to interpret his insecurities as projection of what he's actually doing. What do I do now ? Play the waiting game and see what happens ? I'm just so desperate to really know so I can make a decision on what to do for myself and my future
Mar 6 - 2PM (Reply to #35)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Indenial

To be honest I don't even know if he really is a narc ! He fits a lot of the criteria or at least some of the past behaviours indicate it but then so do mine ! -We all have "narcissistic" tendencies...they are there as a mode of protection;however, the narcissist takes it to an unhealthy extreme and damages others on a constant basis. I toyed with him for a year and hurt him badly. You might at some point want to check yourself and explore why you felt the need to do that...on some level you may be blocked and that was your way of relating..."protecting" yourself or making yourself feel good. Gaming obviously isn't healthy for any relationship but what is HEALTHY is that you realized this and can admit it...which means you can explore it... I don't really have a definate reason to think he's cheated but his relationship with his ex wife doesn't appear to be quite as distant as he said it was. Well that I think would make anyone wonder...if what is being said isn't matching the actions...the thinking doesn't seem distorted unless the reality is that it is distant but in your mind it's closer...that you'd have to examine... I am an insecure person. Again, it's good that you can admit that and we all have "insecurities" from time to time but if those insecurities are hindering your ability to have a healthy and loving relationship...that's something you might want to check out alhtough - and I think this is interesting...you are admitting on a board of hundreds of women you are "insecure"...it takes a lot of security to admit that... I don't trust easily and I feel insecure that he may cheat on me cos he did his wife and his job and social circle make me feel insecure that the opportunity is there for him to cheat but is that just my insecurity. The lack of trusting easily must be rooted somewhere BUT...I also think that there is a certain amount of discernment that we need to learn when engaging as in a lot of cases we doled out trust to easily...maybe this is something that needs to be tweaked but not necessarily a detriment given the circumstances? I also think we get vibes and intuition and I think sometimes we can read people as well as they "read" us and something was nagging at you "don't trust" while he sat there saying "trust me"...it happens. History usually does repeat itself...if he's cheated before he'll cheat again...unless we're talking about a hormonally charged 16 year old...I think when we're grown up we are either honest or we're not and something in you sensed "danger" and that might have been what you were reacting too even if you couldn't put your finger on it? I've never been out with anyone before who I didn't feel I had the upperhand with and I struggle with that. Hmmm...control? I've never been with someone who's such a strong charachter I honestly don't know who's the problem here me or him. That's interesting...maybe he was a "subliminal" challenge? You smelled danger but felt the need to flirt with it? We both have terrible insecurities about each other but since reading about narcs I've started to interpret his insecurities as projection of what he's actually doing. Definately...and I think sometimes we're drawn to people who will help us play out our "ish" What do I do now ? You "Do YOU!" Play the waiting game and see what happens? Nope!...Do you, get your thoughts together...heal, get healthy...get ego in check, get self esteem in check...love you...work on those insecurities then you can be ready for a healthy relationship... I'm just so desperate to really know so I can make a decision on what to do for myself and my future *see above* Hugs!
Mar 6 - 3PM (Reply to #36)
indenial
indenial's picture

thankyou. i really feel youve

thankyou. i really feel youve hit the nail on the head with everything youve just said. yesterday i was strong i allowed myself time with him and i feel weak confused and vulnerable again and i am blaming my own seeming inadequacies. im stronger and happier away from him. even in good times with him i know hes not right for ME. i know that the reason i treated him like i did for so long is because yes i wanted to flirt with the danger and i honestly was so cynical about him for a long time. i didnt care but i know at some point i fell for him and i fell hard and that was when i was in trouble . i couldnt let go and he discarded me time and time again though the longest has been 6 days, still so much confusion though. i think i thought ok i dont love him anymore just let him play his game until im ready to walk away and do no contact but he drew my emotions out again and im back to waiting for him to discard me for whatever reason. back to walking on eggshells. im just so cross with myself . thankyou for your words. they make such sense. fingers crossed i am strong enough to not let him hurt me agin.This feeling is there for a reason and its not all in my head
Mar 6 - 4PM (Reply to #37)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Indenial

Glad I could help with some perspective... Now here's the kicker... Only you can draw the line... He will play as long as you let him... You have to be the one to make the decision... And the games will go into overdrive unless you take control... NC is suggested...and from a "recovery" standpoint..."suggestion" is subtle "command" You need to make a decision... All the best - and we are here... Hugs!
Mar 6 - 12PM
indenial
indenial's picture

Help!!! I've weakened again !

Help!!! I've weakened again ! Has he manipulated me ? I don't know what to think anymore. I'm hurting all over again. I feel like I'm back under his spell. What is he playing at ! Is this normal. I'm doubting that he is an N but if he isn't why is it the way it is ? Is he keeping me on side in case I ask his wife the truth about their supposed separation ? He's not acting like someone who is worried about it. Letting me take pictures of him on my phone getting photos of us blown up and put in frames. Surely he knows its more evidence that we've been in a 2 year relationship and if he's lied to us both why would he do that !? I need help. He came back to me and I resisted at first. Now I feel like crap again ! I was so sure !
Mar 6 - 2PM (Reply to #29)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Indenial

Why are you in contact with him?? They are master Manipulators, Do you think we are lying? Go do something to take your mind off him. Clean the house, mine is so lean I can eat off the floor. :) Hugs Idealk
Mar 6 - 3PM (Reply to #33)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Idealk

Next time you're having a "moment" let me know, I will pay your roudtrip ticket here to "work out" some of whatever is ailing you... I have so much to do in this darn house it is pathetic...but one day... one day... LOL
Mar 6 - 2PM (Reply to #30)
indenial
indenial's picture

because im doubting that im

because im doubting that im right about him i need some real hard evidence that hes been lying to me then i can know for sure. i dont want a liar or a cheat but i need to know for sure he is before i can truly let go. my story is quite as bad as many of these others. he has always been and still is very loving attentive and doesnt take from me hes given everything and has wanted more but its been me backing off or playing around with him cos i wasnt sure. the most part he fits is the rages and blame but to be fair there is a large part of blame on my part i cant argue with that. i just dont know anymore.
Mar 6 - 3PM (Reply to #32)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Indenial

Here's the evidence... You don't trust him... This is a red flag... Either it's your "ish" or his... Either way, it's not built on a healthy foundation... There's the evidence right there... If you have these doubts and fears... It's not on the right footing... So, you're gonna stick around until how much damage is done either by him or self inflicted... Holding on for what? If it is you hypothetically then you're gonna torture him? If it is him, hypothetically, then you're gonna wait for what? It doesn't sound healthy, and it also sounds like you have some issues to work out and they can't be worked out when you're leaning on a crutch...a.k.a. another person...
Mar 6 - 3PM (Reply to #31)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Indenial

Sorry to say, you are indenial, 6 days ago you begged for help, Now you have doubt? OK if has someone else then what? If he doesn't do you think he will treat you the way you should be treated? Why are you here? It sounds like he's taking you for a nice Rollercoaster ride to me. I miss my Narc, I miss what I thought he was. You know what ? I deserve to be treated with respect and not have games played. Its your choice. If you let this continue, Will there be an end? Think this through, You are looking at today not years down the roared. Idealk
Mar 6 - 12PM (Reply to #28)
prettypeeved
prettypeeved's picture

Evidence? They don't think

Evidence? They don't think about these things. My narc told me a whole heap of crap about his relationship when he ditched me for his new partner. What he didn't seem to realise is that these people he got involved with are all friends or friends of friends. Nowadays I begin to realise that he probably just didn't care, or didn't seem to be bothered by me finding out the truth. I think they just rationalise it by concluding that they can manipulate you into doubting yourself and plant some crap in your head, and before you know it you'll be believing them over the evidence that's right in front of your eyes. And if he's doing that to you, what's to stop him doing it to her?
Mar 1 - 1AM
indenial
indenial's picture

Knowledge is power. The power

Knowledge is power. The power to reclaim your soul back but you have to keep your knowledge from the narc. You can only truly use this knowledge and regain your power over yourself once you truly detach yourself emotionally from the vampire that he is. I am fortunate to have kept my independence and own life so this makes detachment easier. It was a close call though. There was a time that I was prepared to give it all up for him. I'm thankful that my intuition guided me to this place in the end.
Mar 1 - 7AM (Reply to #26)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I firmly believe

Intuition is our creator's gift to women for protection...I did certain things and felt things I couldn't explain but somehow through the mist was still being guided even though I couldn't see it... I did certain things, took certain actions that weren't typical for ME, then later read that those things I did were the things needed to do to get away!
Feb 28 - 3PM
indenial
indenial's picture

He's returned :( tried the

He's returned :( tried the woe is me trick. How much he loves me how much it hurts sorry blah blah blah. I don't feel anything. Is this normal ? What do I do now ? I don't want him how do I handle him. Won't feel happy to just ignore him. He's been very persistent texting but I was cool. No act I really felt cool. Indifferent pitied him. What a fool he is to think he could do this again. Could I really be that stupid ?
Mar 1 - 7AM (Reply to #24)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Indenial

I have no idea what these guys think...the narc told me: I am in love with you but I love her *he's living with soeone now* What effect this was supposed to have I don't know... Cried out: Why can't I have my cake and eat it too? Then denied saying it... SMH... AND the beauty of this journey and the gratitude I have for this board...I was able to view him as a crumb... I guess I was supposed to sit in the sidelines and "wait" till he returned to me? PUHLEEZE!
Feb 28 - 5PM (Reply to #23)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Indenial

DO NOT ANSWER HIM, DO NOT! Read what happened to DAZED! He is hovering, Its you or him. DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. He will work you till you cave, Then all hell will break loose. Idealk PS I hate to say I told you so, Usually I love it, but in this case I hate it!
Feb 28 - 5AM
indenial
indenial's picture

Today is a better day. Still

Today is a better day. Still hard but better. There are more strong positive thoughts than negative. Its all about acceptance and truly knowing there is nothing wrong with me. I'm not damaged just temporarily depleted. I heard his car last night and looked out of my window to see him drive by. At 2 am ! There is no need for him to drive through my road other than to spy on me its not a road that anyone needs to drive through unless they are visiting. A few weeks ago I would have seen this as a sign that he stil loves me and would come back to me. Now it just turns my stomach. How dare he ! After cruelly discarding me from his life what right does he have to check where I am or who may be visiting ? Whatever the motivation behind it I know its a sick depraved one and one that I want no part of. I just need to keep thinking this way. I think connecting with you ladies has been a real turning point. I don't feel so alone cos I know you understand and I'm not going mad !! :). Still I know I've a long road ahead though. Its got to be no contact and no knowledge of him whatsoever. I have to say I'm well rid and its not my problem. Good advice from you all
Feb 28 - 4AM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

What everyone else said.

What everyone else said. :-) It is very hard to accept the reality, and very hard to deal with while you're trying to accept it. I could have written your initial post myself a few months ago. I think we all could have. I still struggle with it - last week was a bad week - but while I didn't believe what everyone was telling me initially about it getting better, it really DOES get better. I still have a ways to go, but I can already see how far I've come. You will, too. Just keep going. Day by day, hour after hour if that's how it is - it's not a race or a competition. Do what you can do.
Feb 28 - 3AM
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

Such amazing advice and

Such amazing advice and insight in here and on this site. I woke up feeling empty and scared and I read this and feel empowered again! I like "die standing than on my knees" It's so true, they keep you on your knees, they play with you, they punish you. It's all a game! I recall when I met my ex, I DID NOT LIKE HIM at all and he chased me and chased me. At one point, I recall being really mean to him so he would GO AWAY and he kept coming back! I finally gave him a shot as a friend and 4 months into that, started to date him. And he knew I was not really into him, so he didn't have any of the control When he realized I did start to love him, this is when he brought me to my knees and started the games of punishment and calling other women when we would fight! It's all so subtle and so hard to identify and when you walk away and see the truth, you just can't believe you were part of it all! crazy!
Feb 28 - 1AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Hearing he is with someone

Hearing he is with someone else is devastating and gut renchng . The way to handle it is with this mantra "Personality dissordered people can not change ,he will treat her the same as you " its true , there is no happy ending with narcs , they dont find the woman of their twisted dreams and settle down and become husband of the year no no no way . In the early months of recovory you are very much still suffering from the mind controle they insilled in you , that maybe if you had been more this or that then he would have stayed or have been a better person . This dose go in time as you learn more about the disorder . All narcs have the idolization phase , the devalue phase and the discard phase .It is the patten of events and they do that with everyone and everything , like they may get a new hobbie collecting model cars say , they become fixsated on this new hobbie looking on line and going to fairs and talking and buying them and one day with a blink of an eye he has lost interest and stops ,the collection sits there (probably for his long suffering wife to dust ).. the narc will treat people in the same way they will love you , tell you how wonderful you are and then you are dropped like a hot brick for no reason .It hurts like hell but once you know that that is just the nature of the disorder it becomes pitiful . Keep strong and keep reading .. Big love Scoop x
Feb 27 - 9PM
titta22
titta22's picture

I WOULD RATHER DIE STANDING ON MY OWN TWO FEET......

We all go through this. There is a part of us that does not want to believe that there is a monster behind the mask. Mine was a great liar! I believed everything he dished out, even when i had sirens going off inside me telling me that what he was saying didn't quite feel right. In the beginning of my relationship i couldn't even imagine him cheating on me but as his lies started unraveling the rose colored glasses i had on quickly came off. Whether knowing or not knowing the truth is helpful to our recovery, know that they lie and will continue to lie. Even if you have the evidence to prove it in your hands, they will always deny it or find a way to make excuses for it. They are liars and great actors that will have you believing the sky is purple. Does it really matter if you know the truth? I know sometimes we think that if we know the truth it will somehow validate our suspicions and our pain but doesn't their behavior already validate our pain and our state of being? Understand that one thing about them and this situation with them, they will never provide you with the closure you need to move forward from this. You will have to find that for yourself. The only thing that was ever real about the relationship you had with him was your love for him but they are unable to see that or reciprocate it because they are dead inside. Once they know you love them, they will bring you to your knees and keep you there!!! They will continue to try to bring you to your knees even after they've left. Because i did not agree with what he was requesting from the divorce he sent me a text and told me that i was a miserable person and he was ashamed to have ever told me he loved me and that he felt sorry for our children for having me as a mother. This had nothing to do with what was being discussed but because i did not want to put up with his rants i simply asked him to call my lawyer and talk to him. He did not like the fact that i was dismissing him and decided it was time to hurt me. So you see...not matter what you do or say, they will always find a way to hurt you. Don't let him bring you to your knees. I WOULD RATHER DIE STANDING ON MY OWN TWO FEET THAN LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE ON MY KNEES!!!
Feb 27 - 9PM (Reply to #17)
titta22
titta22's picture

notice how he said...

Notice how he said "I am ashamed to have ever SAID i loved you". He didn't say TO HAVE EVER LOVED YOU. Do you see the difference between us and them. They don't feel anything!
Feb 27 - 7PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

InDenial

The ladies have given you great advice. Just remember: "This isn't personal. The reality is this is what they do...they use people like drugs. There is no feeling in their hearts...what you felt was an illusion. That is a very difficult thing to come to terms with... BUT...this woman is not loved either, she's not better than you, he does not value her any more than you...people women are TOOLS for them to get their supply..." Be grateful you escaped this toxic man before he took you down any further with him. I know I'm glad you broke free. Stay strong and know we are here for you. xoxo
Feb 27 - 9PM
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

So many good replies

Ideal, I love how you think! Your words are so soothing with the pain that accompanies this issue. My biggest fear was my ex having someone new right away. And he did cheat on me, hence why I finally left and he just kept seeing his married pig once I did leave. And I am sure there were many others since. This part killed me THE MOST! I did take it personally. Then I realized, he stopped drinking 2 yrs ago and just replaced his addiction with women. Every time we would fight, he would call some women from his past. Very sad SAD SAD humans these people are. Empty, lonely, and just pathetic! It's beem 7 months and it still KILLS me to think of it!
Feb 27 - 6PM
indenial
indenial's picture

so glad i found this site

so glad i found this site wise words and so helpful finally someone who really understands
Feb 27 - 6PM
indenial
indenial's picture

thankyou its just gonna take

thankyou its just gonna take some hard work to make it sink in.scared of whats next. he has pervaded my every waking moment for more than 2 years. i was addicted still am though i know it has to end. he just rejects and abandons me . been preparing myself for the final abandonment for a while. need to make sure this is the final one by no contact Thankyou for your inspirational words
Feb 27 - 6PM
exhausted
exhausted's picture

I was where you were a few

I was where you were a few weeks ago. I knew he had a new girl already. Then I found out he had 2 new girls! We all work together too. Whatever, it is what it is. I realized that making myself sick thinking about what he was up to was not going to change anything. He is going to do what he wants regardless of how I think or feel. So I decided to control what I can control, which is myself. You can choose to be happy and try to do the things that you enjoy or you can dwell on him and what he is doing. I am starting to see that life goes on without him. My advice to you is to just try to make yourself happy, whatever it takes. You are going to be very sad and cry a lot. I still do it too. In time you will learn that what he does doesnt matter because he is probably up to no good. Someone on here told me to have a mantra and repeat it until it sinks in "It doesnt matter. Its none of my business." Try it! We're here for you!
Feb 27 - 6PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Indenial

IdealK said it very well. This isn't personal. The reality is this is what they do...they use people like drugs. There is no feeling in their hearts...what you felt was an illusion. That is a very difficult thing to come to terms with... BUT...this woman is not loved either, she's not better than you, he does not value her any more than you...people women are TOOLS for them to get their supply... The focus is on how you heal. This was a psychological rape and it will take time. Stick close to the board...own that what he did and will do is not a reflection of you at all... He has a disorder...and you were a victim... Try to take focus off of him...you were attacked...you need to heal. Hugs!
Feb 27 - 5PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

indenial

Hello, We can help but you need to listen, are you willing to do this? If he is a Narc he may have many OW, unfortunately this is the reality, His disorder has nothing to do with you. Nothing! Please dont take it personally. He has a disorder, you cant fix it and you cant control who else he will destroy. It starts with taking care of you. You need to educate yourself as much as possible. Please read Lisa's book, Seek the help of a therapist and DO NOT contact him. NC is the key to your success. This means no spying on FB, No Email, no text , no calls, no asking friends what he's put to NC. If you see him well... we live in America you may, You have to take the high road and go in the opposite direction. I realize this is easy for me to say. I realize this is not easy to do, You most likely will slip up at first, we all did,. However the stronger you are the better off you will be. The cure to the cancer is up to you. Good Luck! Idealk
Feb 27 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
indenial
indenial's picture

I know you're right. Sadly I

I know you're right. Sadly I kind of trusted that he was faithful and then I've now discovered things that make me think he wasn't but I don't know for sure. Not sure what's worse. Knowing or not knowing. I've never been in this situation before. Was in a very trusting relationship with a good man for 18 years and I gave it up for this N. My life feels ruined. I have no spirit or confidence. I was so fun outgoing and confident and he caught me when I was vulnerable. I'm in england and can't seem to find anyone who even has heard of narcissism ! My friends think I'm mad. He's just an a***e get over it but its not that symple. He was a tyrant in the last few months. Even threatened my children and I know what he's capable of. Why do I still crave his attention ? Am I an N too ?