When he acts normal, I feel crazy

Fake Recoveries Not all recoveries in personality-disordered individuals are "fake" - and not all recoveries in personality-disordered individuals are "real". See our section on Real Recoveries. Every situation is different and no two personality disordered people are exactly alike.. However, these situations are described here to help you understand some of the more common pitfalls when it comes to recovery. The following sections contain descriptions of some of the more common "false positives" or "fake recoveries" that are seen when dealing with recovery in personality disordered individuals. Placebo Effect - The Placebo Effect is when a medical patient is given a "placebo" or fake medicine - one in which there is no ingredient known to have any effect on their stated medical condition, but the patient, believing that the medicine is real, starts to feel better or reports an improvement in their symptoms. Post hoc ergo propter hoc - "Post hoc ergo propter hoc" is latin for "After this, therefore because of this" or in other words "If B happened after A, then A must have caused B to happen". The "Post hoc ergo propter hoc" fallacy is a common mistake in the diagnosis and treatment of medical and psychological conditions. Cum hoc ergo propter hoc - "Cum hoc ergo propter hoc" is Latin for "with this, therefore because of this" or, in other words "A and B happen at the same time, therefore A must be causing B to happen". The "cum hoc ergo propter hoc" fallacy is a common mistake in the diagnosis and treatment of medical and psychological conditions. Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor, taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim, trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship gets "sucked back in" when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior. Moments Of Clarity - Moments of Clarity are spontaneous, temporary periods when a person with a personality disorder is able to see beyond their own world view and can, for a brief period, understand, acknowledge, articulate and begin to make amends for their dysfunctional behavior. EVEN IF THE PDI IS NOT IN A FORMAL RECOVERY...THERE IS OBVIOUSLY EVIDENCE THAT THEY CAN HAVE BRIEF MOMENTS OF CLAIRTY...BUT IT IS SHORT LIVED AND THEY WILL REVERT...SO NO MATTER HOW YOU SLICE IT...IT'S BRIEF IF IT IS REAL...BOTTOM LINE...THEY'RE DISORDERED, BUT THOSE "GLIMMERS" YOU SEE...THEY'RE GLIMMERS...WE HAVE TO WORK ON THE COGNITIVE DISSONANCE...SOMEWHERE THERE IS STILL A RESISTANCE IN ACCEPTING. AND we do not have to see this as black and white...they're good or evil...we can look at it as they are very sick damaged people that are harmful to us and it's okay for us to do what we have to do to protect ourselves... http://www.outofthefog.net/Treatment.html#RecoveryRealOrFake

That in some instances you have a dual diagnosis *whether officially diagnosed or not many that are chemically dependent/addicted skip the radar... HENCE...they get clean and "work a program" but now you are dealing with "substitution" Behaviors of addiction include obsession and compulsion... if one is also a PDI lets say: Narcissist or borderline... Now you're dealing with someone who is obsessively compulsed with the "emptiness" and/or abandonment issues so there is this push pull going on inside of them.... Hence...WE become the drug that fills that void...they cant feel love so to speak, but there is that "euphoria" that happens chemically...sex hormones and such...dopamine etc... They are getting high off of us and the endorphins are giving them that high *when having sex for example? SO we essentially are still objects being used to fill a need... WHEN SUPPLY *their drug - whatever they're substituting...EVEN PEOPLE are substitutes is low...that obsession and compulsion kicks in to score... SO, they resort to the manipulation to get their needs met... It's not personal...but we're their backup supply... NOTE: THE madonna/whore...primary secondary supply...we start out primary cause we're the new drug and get phased out to the secondary supply. Then we're D&D'd but are kept in the back pocket in their mind for the "dry" times when supply isn't that easy to find... AND YES...it can be as simple as just "playing" nice to soften us up to leave us open so they have the "security" of knowing that supply/attention/ ego stroking whatever they need can be sought... REMEMBER the concept of NC...something as simple as hello is supply....

A LOT of good info in this thread! Clue: I totally relate to you. My ex also had so many moments of acting "normal" What I've come to understand is there are different levels of NPD (it's not all black and white) My ex too is an addict, but has been sober and in AA for 2 1/2 yrs. He's also been in 12 step group. He went all on his own accord. There were many moments where he was lucid and as many moments where he was bizarre. There were times he would say to me he felt "different" and times I would tell him he was abusive and he didn't get it, but he wanted to get it. He was a willing participant in couples therapy with me and it was his idea that we join a AA couples group and we did, and we went. He suffered with feelings of guilt, he had moments where he felt, he was not selfish in so many ways, but his ego and way of thinking were truly faulty. What form of NPD he has, I have no idea. Did the addiction cause it? Did his parents raise him that way? Or was he born with it? I'll never know! What made me hold on to hope was that I saw he was willing. Then I caught him cheating 7 months ago and I left. How crazy really, cause I knew it was only a matter of time before he did cheat and I stuck around for it believing he was trying. Then when I left, I went NC. He then wanted to be friends and he was acting normal. And because I saw he was trying so hard in step group and saw he made HUGE steps to change, I agreed to a "friendship". It was only by email, no phone or seeing one another. Then I felt he was using me; a source so to speak. I finally called him last weekend, first time we talked on the phone since I left him. I called because I told him I was not comfortable with being friends unless we talked about what happened (the lies, cheating, healing, step groups etc) and he had agreed to the talk in the past but was holding off. When I got him on the phone he said "Why don't you trust me" He was serious! I told him "because you cheated on me and lied over and over" He then went on to say he never cheated, it was me that cheated and the liar and that because I'm crazy is why he left me and went to some other girl! I WAS BLOWN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So all this smoke and mirrors to make me think he was "healing" were all BS! I held on to hope for so long that he was going to get well since being in the Al Anon and AA circuit for so long, I saw people heal, I mean really heal! It's pointless! Unless they have some HUGE spiritual awakening and or lobotomy, there is little hope for change I was with him for 5 yrs and just didn't want to let go. Last weekend, I finally let go and will never look back! I told him to not contact me again and he won't! Letting go is so hard when we really want to believe. I decided to put that hope in myself instead of him!

Girl, I totally understand. Mine acts crazy and then normal, normal and then crazy again. It really plays with your mind because it makes it SO confusing. He can even deliver his craziness in a very normal tone which makes it even more difficult to sort through/believe that he is really saying things that are just plain crazy! Honestly, keep a journal of his behaviors. It makes it easier to see the patterns. When they are in “normal” mode it is easy to forget all of the crazy making behavior.

From the Website: Out of the Fog... "...In both cases, the parties are victims of intermittent reinforcement, They have the tendency to amplify a belief in what they hope will happen over what they observe has happened. Intermittent reinforcement nourishes that hope and the status quo is preserved." " The non-personality disordered individual (or Non-PD) is typically worn out by broken promises and persistent abuse and looks for a sign - any sign - that their investment in the relationship is not in vain. They are like the person who goes to see a movie which turns out to be a big disappointment. Having spent the money to get in, they will stay seated to the end in the hope that there will be some redeeming quality to the movie before it is over. The Non-PD may hold out hope for a loving, reciprocating relationship and may amplify that hope to the point where they will overlook abuse and cling to any sign from the PD that there may be a chance of redemption. The personality-disordered individual may occasionally oblige, often out of a sense of fear, obligation and guilt, giving the Non-PD exactly what they want. Jackpot. Like the gambler in the casino, this will encourage them to keep feeding the machine long after the jackpot has been spent." http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/IntermittentReinforcement.html

I tried to find your story and I didn't see it...not sure if you posted one and I don't know the history...but apparantly there is one as you wouldn't be here and I noted Sick of it remembers the details and from what she wrote...they're not too positive **surprise surprise** What's going on...what is keeping you tied to him? What are you waiting for? On some level and maybe even on a big level you know this relationship is unhealthy... BUT something is keeping you clinging WHY? I don't want to give you the answers...can you answer the why in this? Let me throw out a possibility just in case you need a rebuttal...sometimes it helps because then you get to clarification... Is it possible that somewhere deep down there is a desire to win? A desire to overcome his crap and be victorious in some convuluded way? A desire to master and tame this man? A desire to bring out his best because on some level you can see the "good" in him that pokes out intermittently in the push pull phase? Is it the intermittent reinforcement/Pavlov and the dogs...that has you stuck? This is a RANDOM question not based on anything I've read about your story or posts but something to get you going and maybe better articulate the why...

Because you are still holding on to hope where there is none! I think thats it in a nutshell. I dont think you have completely accepted that there is no hope. Clueless this man has done horrendous things to you by anyones standards. Would you really want that for yourself again? Its just an addiction thats it. A terrible terrible addiction. Like it or not he provides excitement whether it be positive of negative. I think we all get some sort of high from anticipating what their next move will be. To abandon that is like detoxing from a drug. We are left with a big gaping hole as it has occupied so much of our time. Then we are just left with nothingness and life seems so boring. I think you might be afraid to let go of that high you get from entertaining the thought that there might be a chance. and of course clueless you knew this was exactly what I was going to say :) and btw it feels completely weird to call you clueless!