weird coincidence?

16 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 22 - 4PM

Happy1

weird coincidence?

I spoke to my sister for the first time a little bit about what happened to me. I have shut my family away completely and haven't been close to my sister because we have a huge age gap. Anyway, I told her a few things the narc did and tried to explain a little about narcs and verbal abuse. She told me this sounds a lot like my father(he passed away when I was 2).
I know nothing about him. My family has kept my real father a big secret. Well, he sounds like he was a monster too. He pushed my mom down stairs, beat her, he would take down the mileage on her car and watch everywhere she went. She would have to get permission to leave the house. He died of a heart attack when I was 2 which sounds like a blessing because my step dad is nothing like him. My step-father is not a narc at all. I think my mom has been the narc to me. This is all very twisted. Anyway, how I went for a man like my real father baffles me beyond belief? How did this happen? Did I pick up my mom's traits? I have been sitting here all day thinking WTF?

#2 Feb 23 - 8AM

Goldie

Hard to say for sure

Sounds like you are doing some major soul searching here Happy and this is great for your recovery. I have been doing that as well. Looking at my patterns and my family or origin's patterns and it can be enlightning to see the similarities. I believe that much of this gets passed down through the generations in families. We often do not see any of this until we step back and get real about what brought us here in the first place. There is so much great recovery on the board today, makes me happy and puts a smile on my face to see us all growing and becoming more self aware. Gives me hope for all of us in doing the work to ensure a better life for us and our children. Breaking generational patterns can be difficult but well worth the effort. Goldie Goldie

#3 Feb 22 - 7PM

jen79

Happy1

Maybe there is more to that than you think. My mom never knew her father, nor did she have a pic of him. After he died, his other family found her and for the first time she saw how he looked like. Now guess what, he looked exactly like the man my oldest sister was together with for over 10 years. Scary. They looked like twins! Maybe thats an energy, frequency thing.

#4 Feb 22 - 7PM

gettinbetter

hmmmm

I just read something that said that borderline pd can possibly originate as early as conception something about how the egg attaches to the uterine wall also it can develop if the fetus senses from the mother that this is an unwanted pregnancy. I just read this I swear. So yeah I think its totally possible. Here's an aside I had my child listening to classical music all the time when she was an infant as I read that it stimulates brain development especially in the area of the brain where math and science are processed. Guess what? Here teacher had her tested for gifted talented and her two best subjects are math and science. I never was good at either of those. There is scientific evidence to back it up.

#5 Feb 22 - 4PM

Journey

I agree with Idealk

Why we pick narcs to love might sometimes have to do with our own dysfunction, but often it doesn't have anything to do with that. In my case, I was not repeating a pattern with my exN - I just believed he really was who I thought he was. Ignoring the red flags had more to do with me not recognizing them for what they were because I haven't been involved with a narc before (that I've identified as such) and hadn't built strong boundaries for myself. Sometimes we simply fall for the narc because they show us who we want them to be and we believe they are. It happens to women of all backgrounds and upbringing. My home life was relatively normal, the worst I experienced was distance from my father but there was nothing worse than that. For me, learning now to avoid toxic relationships in the future is way more important than figuring out why I fell for my ex. I just chalk it up to him pretending to be everything I'd ever wanted and me believing he was.

Journey on...

#6 Feb 22 - 7PM (Reply to #8)

gettinbetter

OK No One get mad at me but I

OK No One get mad at me but I had this same opinion Journey until I started really digging deep. Journey my family was the cleavers and I still have a great family but my parents were overprotective and I think stunted my emotional growth. No one is perfectly parented. Im not mad at my parents. I think they did what they thought was right from Parenting text book but sometimes thats not always best. It doesnt necessarily mean that you were abused per se. It can simply mean that you had an emotional need that wasnt met. Im sure my parents didnt do it on purpose. I have read that if you stay in one of these relationships somewhere your core self has been wounded. People that dont have core wounds dont stay in these relationships they are outta there the first time their boundary is crossed. This is an idea I fought tooth and nail on this board and it turned into a heated discussion because I felt I didnt have any issues but really getting to the bottom of this has really opened my eyes. If you dont get to the bottom of the wound and heal it you will repeat the pattern again. I didnt repeat with my husband but guess what? I eventually repeated it again with narc boy for a second time eventhough I knew he was a POS So Journey let me plant this seed. Why did you continue to stay with him when you knew he was lying deep down inside? You knew he was treating you poorly? Emotinally strong people dont stay around for that. They just dont. So yes we fall in love with their fake self absoulutely! but when the ugly side started to surface we should have been gone. I can private message you a website that addresses all of this and this woman is dead on. OK so no one get mad at me please as I know when I was approached with this I wasnt having any of it and I got pissed but now I know its true.

#7 Feb 22 - 10PM (Reply to #12)

Journey

Sick of it

Oh I know I didn't learn some skills as a child that would have helped me to stay out of a narc's grip. I was over protected too and was not taught how to be independent or self sufficient in many ways. I just don't think my attraction to my exN was because of that as much as it was because I thought he was who he pretended to be. The reason I stayed, yes, I fell into the trap of insecurity that his manipulation and covert abuse brought up in me. But this has not been a pattern for me in relationships in the past.

Journey on...

#8 Feb 22 - 10PM (Reply to #9)

Veronrose

SOI, could you please private

SOI, could you please private message me the website that you are referring to? All this is such an eye opener to me. Bottom line is I guess, is that if you're not used to a certain behavior in some form as a child or adolescent, you won't accept a certain behavior in your adult life.....it will seem foreign to you. I believe this and would like to read more. Thank you.

#9 Feb 22 - 10PM (Reply to #11)

gettinbetter

I think its different for

I think its different for everyone in my case I was not abused in way shape or form by my parents but I think it was a combination of some things in their parenting style that may have caused me to not get some needs met. No one has perfect parents. For some its abuse and for others maybe it was just a need not met maybe not by parents but maybe by someone else. I firmly believe that round 1 with the caused me some severe emotional damage. I dont think it was my parents so much but the N may have broken what was already a weak in some area of my core. I still say there is something not right when you keep hanging on to these relationships when you have been continually abused. The I can fix them mentality. The I know I can get good guy back is indicative of something whether your consciously aware or not. Im telling you a few months ago I would have nothing to do with the idea that I had any role in this but now I see that I did. He cant abuse someone that doesnt let him. Thats just a fact. Ill send it.

#10 Feb 22 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

Journey

Me too

Oh yes, could you message me the link too? Thanks!!

Journey on...

#11 Feb 22 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

Happy1

Journey

That's so true! My narc painted himself to be the man I wanted him to be. Hea nothing of the man I first met. He fooled me big time and I had no clue what red flags or narcs were. Thank you!

#12 Feb 22 - 4PM

Hunter

Happy1

You are over thinking this one! just saying. I guess your sister was trying to be helpful, in the end she wasn't.

#13 Feb 22 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

Happy1

Ideal

She really hasn't. I don't want to turn into my mom or dad. Scares me!

#14 Feb 22 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

Hunter

Oh.. Tell me about it! You

Oh.. Tell me about it! You won't .

#15 Feb 22 - 6PM (Reply to #5)

Happy1

Ideal

Okay! But if i start acting like my mom you need to slap me. Hard! Ha!

#16 Feb 22 - 4PM

Hunter

Happy1

You are over thinking this one! just saying. I guess your sister was trying to be helpful, in the end she wasn't.

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews