does he care?

yes he cares! The same way you and I care about what we have just deposited in the toilet. Thats how much he cares, he will discard you like toilet paper. Never forget it. YOU CARE, YOU LOVE, YOU CAN. He is of less worth than that shit you flushed. Flush him outta your life.

I'm no expert, but my experience with my ExN left me believing that he does care. But it's not ME that he cares about. He cares about himself and his own needs. When I got into an accident, he felt nothing. When I was hurt, he felt nothing. When I'm moving on, his world is crumbling... Don't mistake his behavior as meaning anything about you. It is only ever about them.

Oh honey your name says it all. Exhausted. I exhausted myself in the early stages of NC in hopes i would have him change, feel miserable that he lost me. I too thought this was a empowering feeling. The problem is the motive behind the chase. In a normal break up a person may attempt to keep the relationship alive because they love and miss your presence. In a relationship with a narc this is not the case. Their attempts are for selfish purposes. They miss your supply. Just as we become needy, addicted and dependent on them though out the relationship, they become the same for what you give them. Not love but adoration, financial gains, ego boosting, clean underwear, a meal, warm body, sex. This is not about love. This is about a person who will use, abuse and discard you when they choose. Love is about respect. Love is about genuine concern for the other persons welfare. A person that loves you would never harm you willfully and intentionally. Remember the motive behind the contact. It helps keep things in perspective and furthers your resolve in remaining no contact. Then you begin to become disgusted with every attempt they make at contacting you. When you know the motive is not genuine it looses its zest. If he were standing in front of you right now and you asked him what he wants, i bet the first words out of his mouth would begin with "I just want or I just need". "I". Not "you". That says it all. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

What you're going through is totally normal in an abnormal situation......he'll never realise what a good thing he lost - he never saw you for YOU, only what YOU could give him....supply. Sadly, all he will miss is the supply until he finds more. It's all about them and was never about you or the girl before you, or the one after you. Having him chase you or not means the same thing, you're not dealing with a normal person, so don't expect normal behaviour. Don't compare how you would feel to how he should THINK you'd feel. He will come back when other supply runs out but it's not because he cares how you are - he only cares for him and that's the sad truth. If he runs after you, it's not because he misses YOU....he only misses supply...good or bad, doesn't matter. The feeling will go away eventually, but it will take much time. I've been nc for over 2 months now and I don't even miss narc, I feel indifferent and you will too. Believe me, hearing from him isn't a good thing in the long run. When you accept what he is, the healing will begin....x

Ps... The idea of them realizing they lost a good thing is a novel idea, for a normal functioning human. Narcs don't work this way at all. If they realize that they lost you, they will change for a while to win you back and promise you everything to suck you back in (hoovering) but then always go back to their old Narc ways!

I felt the same thing too. I felt that if he really loved me, he would chase after me. Mine did for the first few times that we separated. The last time, he left the mainland and went to hawaii. He had a bunch of warrants. He would call me now and then to make sure I was still waiting for him but wouldnt let on where he was. He would tell me that he was gonna come home back to us and do the right thing. But he met the OW, she was a distraction. She was there, convenient and I was here. When I found out, he panicked and promised me the moon. I was sick of it and changed my number. He tried to contact me via email making the same promises. I didn't respond. What he did do is stay with her and even go back to his home state with her instead of coming home to me and our children. I would expect him to tow the line, change and do right. (This was too hard for him) And this is before I understood him as a NARC. She probably didn't expect much from him. They both drank and fought with eachother violently. I never dared fight back with him...too scared. Anyway, she got pregnant with twins. I divorced him. The only thing that was a comfort to me was that he refused to be served. I took this is him not wanting to be divorced from me, but really it was him wanting to keep control over me. They have had a drama filled life together. When they would break up which was all the time, he would chase after her like mad. It made me feel second rate to her since I had been with him about six years longer than her. I figured it was that he "loved" her more. Not the case at all. They keep the supply that is most convenient to them and that don't ask too much of them or make demands of them. When they lose any supply, they panic. They can't lose their "adoring" fans. They will scramble to win them back. When they find that trying to win the supply back gets to be too much work, they find another. But, remember, they never completely forget you. When all else fails them as far as supply, they come knocking again! Or if you contact them in any way, they are reminded that you are a source. Even if you contact them out of anger or whatever. They love the attention. It is what they live off of. They will know that they still have you. This is why NC is so vital. I am Justicejones by-the-way. Haven't been here in a while. Nice to meet you!

Bresis was right when she reminded you again that we are nothing but objects. Lets see DOES HE CARE? Do you care when your tv breaks, do you cry when you have to get rid of it and tell your tv you love it? How do you care when your toaster, oven or hair dryer stop working? my reaction is, oh crap now I have to go out and get a new one with the only inconvenience having to fork out some money. I tell myself during my NC I am crying, hurting over a man that had the same amount of concern for me as he would his recliner. It serves his needs for awhile and its pretty comfortable to sit in but eventually it breaks down, doesnt work like it used to so he gets a newer model. And you know what? Its OK to maybe NEVER be able to understand how another human can treat us like objects, I would not want to even KNOW what the debts of their disorder is, its beyond anything I could ever imagine and its good in many ways that I will always be shocked at their behavior, that means I am without this disorder and I would never ever bring harm to others in this manner. Even though we are educated on this, in our hearts we will never understand how someone can live this way. He doesnt care because he is NOT NORMAL honey, its not just personally directed to you.

Briseis is correct. Once you learn what he is you will make the switch. Crazy = Crazy

That's pretty normal, really, to start NC with the idea of getting HIM to "wake up" or provoke HIM in some way. I had gotten a restraining order and turned him into the cops when I started NC, so I was more afraid of him and what he'd do in those first days. But honestly, I did have daily fantasies of him sitting in his jail cell (he'd gotten arrested for drugs) thinking "OMG. What have I done? What have I lost??" A normal (ha ha) person might have had that response, but not a Narcissist. He was just pissed off that I DARED to end the relationship and get the RO (as I'd promised him I would). I've been out for three and a half years. I had third party "communication" with him for the first year only, and up until that ended, he was still alternately trying to hoover me or threaten me. He couldn't make up his mind. He had no other "speeds", so I learned. He also went right along gathering up "supply" from other people, women too, as if I were just something he "lost" and had to replace. He cared more about getting back his chainsaw than getting me back. Narcs are disturbed psychologically. They look and sound pretty normal, do fairly normal things like work, marry, etc. BUT, they have a mental disorder that prevents them from connecting NORMALLY to other people. What we discover is that we (their so called "love") were nothing but a thing to use. We weren't a "person" to the Narc at all. They are incapable of relating to other people with intimacy, concern or respect. That is their disorder. So expecting (hoping) he will pursue you means one thing to you, and another thing to him. To you, you hope he learns a lesson. To him, you are disposable and he can get another woman. When you realize that, No Contact shifts and becomes something you do to keep yourSELF away from such a destructive human being. You will have that shift as you learn about what he IS, and what that means :)

He's probably pining for the other girl because she has truly moved on. They can sense if you have moved on or if you are just trying to manipulate them. We are talking world class manipulaators here they know when they see an amateur and it makes them want to do it more They get bored with their supply at some point. There is no formula for the amount of time. Exhausted read up on triangulation. It will explain why he talks to you about the other girl. Mine did it with the one he left me for but somehow I got made out to be the evil x who treated him so badly

You need to understand the motive for him wanting to have contact with you. This contact is not about love my dear. He is not making contact with you because he loves you, misses you, is worried or concerned bout you, adores you etc... He is making contact because you have something he needs. He may need you if supply is low or he needs to call on you for special favors. This is why they always keep the door open. So your now just the sloppy second in their minds. You have been devalued to the last resort if all of his options fall through while he is out on his mission. So now that you think about this part of the equation....(the reality)......Now that you see your true worth and value in the minds of the abuser...Do you still want him to reach out in attempt's to use and abuse you some more? only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

You want him to chase you because you want him to validate for you that you were important to him, right? I was totally there with you, especially in the early days. Please believe me when I tell you that he cannot validate you or the relationship you had with him. We all want to know that we mattered to the man that mattered so much to us, but the sad truth is that he is DISORDERED. How can you expect a disordered guy to have the insight to know a good thing when he sees (or in this case, loses) it? He is simply not self-aware enough to give you what you are looking for. His disorder will be the middle man in every single relationship he ever has. You can't step around it and neither can he. Read, read, read the stories here. This is a pattern with these guys. You weren't the first and you WON'T be the last. Stop asking yourself why he isn't chasing you. Stop worrying that that's an indication that he cares less for you than he did for the other girl. It's not about that. I'm so proud of you for getting to five days! The first days really are the hardest. You really will get through this. The next step is to shift the focus from him and on to YOU. NC is about doing what you need to do for yourself, NOT about trying to show him what he's missing. You can do it!