What was the worst to overcome?

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Jan 29 - 11PM (Reply to #19)
almostlydia
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It was those poignant

It was those poignant moments that were so sad, and still are for me, because it was like the little boy wanting to be good but he just couldn't do it. I watched him struggle trying to keep those promises and then find a 'new plan'. It could not have been any different than a drug addict. I still remember the day almost a year ago, when he got on his hands and knees and begged. I will always believe that he wanted me to save him from where his life was spiraling out of control to. I believe that he was an N but he was also a sex addict. But then his flirting with the switchhitting was taking over. He wanted me to spend the rest of my life trying to save him from his disorder. Yet he was not going to stop, he was just going to use my life to keep him in check. My life would continue to be the portrait baring all the burdens of his life. And yet somehow by having me there, maybe I could stop the spiraling. I said no more. And I don't doubt that his life went right on down that path to this day but it is not my problem anymore. That was the hardest thing. Seeing those brief moments when he wanted to be normal but couldn't. almostlydia

almostlydia

Jan 28 - 5PM (Reply to #18)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

When you see the mask come off

You see the monster. They know who they are, they hide it all day long, and worst part is they delight in hurting others. I find it important to remember that.
Jan 28 - 5PM (Reply to #17)
Susan32
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Moments of clarity

Thanks for your beautiful post. There were those fleeting, poignant moments when the ex-Psych professor seemed in touch with his humanity, his feelings (beyond the regular rage&envy) There were those times when he even seemed able to put himself in my shoes (not the typical vice versa) During my junior year, he said, "You don't want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life." As i've read here, being wed to Ns/Ps is OFTEN described as being stuck. It's not out of love, commitment, mutual sense of duty and loyalty, but of being stuck. He was thinking in terms of the future, for once.. something Ns/Ps rarely do. Over the long-term, it wouldn't have lasted. If I had snagged him from his girlfriend a decade ago&tied the knot with him... I probably would've had a brief, hellish marriage. Or I would be here half-mad. Or not be here at all due to being in an insane asylum, or dead. Another time, he said "I'm standing in the way of you living your life." It was when he had been constantly badgering me about my volunteering and my writing. He had disapproved, disapproved, disapproved, without offering viable alternatives. I wouldn't be a published writer if he were a significant part of my life. His discouragement would've taken a toll. "The disorder destroys them, like a disease"- I remember the ex-P saying my freshman year that he was destroying himself. How tragically true. I was heartbroken during the final D&D, but he was drinking heavily. I was simply trying to make sense of things, and he was getting sloshed. I don't regret not having been in his Shakespeare's Sonnets class. At the time, all I heard, there wasn't much discussion, but there was plenty of wine.
Jan 28 - 3PM (Reply to #16)
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

oh yes, yes, yes...all so

oh yes, yes, yes...all so true.....don't need to add anything to that one as it sums it all up completely.
Jan 28 - 3PM (Reply to #14)
Journey
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Wow Briseis

Your posts make so much since to me and I am grateful to be reading them. Journey on...

Journey on...

Jan 28 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Yes they do!

Yes they do!
Jan 28 - 2PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

nerverlookback

what another great post, you are on a ROLL, so true it is the disorder of who the man IS that stays in your system so long, I am 2 years out and it sometimes still feels like he left 2 weeks ago, not 2 years.the ILLUSION, lkie you stated sooo well is what does the most psychological harm and is so hard to get out of your system, it is like an addiction that very slowly and I mean slowly, weans itself away from you and then maybe not totally, if you know what I mean. For me if I could find a nice, decent, man he would have been history so long ago and it has nothing to do with not being by myself, I can and have been alone for long stretches, I am just happier in a good, healthy relationship and iI pray to God I will find one last good one before I leave this earth!MY VOW TO MYSELF.AND if it is not in the cards, I will still live my life to the FULLEST and be blessed to be on this earth and not under................
Jan 28 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

This is a very profound

This is a very profound insight. I think the hardest, but most important thing to shift is how we take the Narc's behavior personally. That somehow we cause him or her to behave the way they do. Sounds so simple, but I'm talking that immediate knee jerk reaction that goes beneath your awareness. What you describe is exactly what it was like for me. I realized the abuse and brainwashing and ALL of it was just something my Narc did to ANYONE who got close to him. ANYONE. Period end of story! How he behaved had nothing to do with ME. It was his personality disorder. That knowledge is freeing. It lets us all off the hook with all the guilt and the shame. It's like blaming ourselves for someone else's diabetes when their blood sugar goes whacko. It gives you the correct vision to step back and take responsibility for what you truly have responsibility FOR.
Jan 28 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

OMG THAT IS REALLY GOOD

it's like blaming ourselves for someone else's diabetes when their blood sugar goes whacko. That statement really makes it clear why it is so important to NEVER NEVER think for one minute we did something to cause this. Yet the unfair and unfortunate part is we still must recover from the experience and there is no magical pill that will make us forget what we went thru. Briseis here is another analogy to look at. If this man ever contributed anything to society it could be indirectly he walks around teaching others to set firm grounds and bondries within ourselves by his disorder. I sure as hell did not want to learn how to set healthy standards for myself in this manner of course but I DID. His abnormality taught me many many things, mostly to always love myself and hold true to what I am and never let someone else's sick convictions and twisted beliefs sway me for the sake of love. THAT IS NOT LOVE, that is total destruction of another loving human being. We have total responsibility for OURSELVES in the end and its up to us in the end to save ourselves. x0x0x0
Jan 28 - 2PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Yes Yes!

Your perspective is how I've been looking at it as well. The hardest part for me to overcome has been the loss of confidence in my own ability to love and spiritual worth. The fear that it was my own weakness or vulnerability which destroyed the love I believed I'd finally found with an equal partner I would have gladly spent the rest of my life with. Having to accept that I may never get the opportunity to experience that joy or belief again. Journey on...

Journey on...

Jan 28 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

journey

Your words of"having to accept that I may never get the opportunity to experience that joy or belief again." really struck me within and I have to realize that as well, as much as I hope to find a good normal relationship. We have lost our innocence for evermore................
Jan 28 - 1PM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Loved the post NLB and

Loved the post NLB and totally agree. The way I got through it on both occasions was to come to terms with the fact that it was not personal and they do it to everyone. You will never be the exception. One thing that has stayed with me with Narc #1 though, who was very violent and volatile to man, woman, child and beast, was the sheer fear of what he was capable of doing to me when he hit me. His totally belief that he could get away with anything. There were times when I thought I wouldn't get out alive and although I am strong now that fear has stayed with me to some extent.
Jan 28 - 1PM
Alive
Alive's picture

worst...

was how i had to accept his disorder meant he even treats his child the same way he treats everyone.
Jan 28 - 1PM
spinning
spinning's picture

NLB, I'd have to agree, it's the lie...

that has been the hardest for me to come to grips with. I am working on accepting that he never loved me. Never cared about me as a person; that his professions of deep undying unconditional love were all lies. He also told me constantly that he would "never hurt me." Right. The lie of who he was, really, really was. The "man" I met never existed. Learning this slowly, tortureously has been horrible. Until I found this site (two years ago) I believed it was something about ME that caused his episodes, his rages, his silent treatments, his pain. The treadmill that I was on for SIX YEARS chasing after the illusion, the lie, was a long, slow run in hell. I'm working my way out, but it is truly difficult and mind boggling to know that he is a non-human shell who never felt one true thing for me, for all the risks I took for the "relationship," for all the constant, unconditional, forgiving true feelings I showered him with. Ugh. Ick. It literally makes me ill. Please send the good vibes my way, all... Sincerely (trying to stop) spinning

spinning

Jan 30 - 2AM (Reply to #4)
narcissizednomore
narcissizednomore's picture

spinning, it's been six years for me too

makes me ill too how hard i tried to have a normal relationship with this man. Often I ask myself, 'how can his wife stand him?... does she have the same PD as him??? I just don't understand how some women cope with these guys!!!They must be needy and co-dependents to some degree. So very sad.

narcissizednomore

Jan 28 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Spinning

Be glad that you can feel. Be glad you've seen the light. You are away from the dark side. We are all sad it wasn't real for them. Somethings we just can't do anything about. We can go on and enjoy life. There is so much to enjoy. StayStrong!
Jan 28 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Excellent!

Excellent!