OK, I NEED SOME SUPPORT TODAY

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#1 Jan 31 - 7AM
neverlookback
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OK, I NEED SOME SUPPORT TODAY

5 days ago I went TOTAL NC, changed my cell number. I am not walking around biting my nails or crying hysterically I am past that stage, I was REALLY REALLY ready. Towards the end of contact it was pretty sick and degrading, in fact so much that I told myself ok, now if you miss this wacko you can hire someone to call you and talk dirty, if that is what you really want to hear. Oh and throw in a little, hi babycakes and baby once and awhile.

I am struggling with breaking some unhealthy patterns I had with contact, always checking my phone for messages, (I find myself doing that about three x a day) Then a feeling I cant explain comes over me I say to myself, HE'S gone, the four years of this predator is OVER, I KNOW he is FURIOUS I cut him off and part of me CARES..... Can you believe that? I actually care that this sob that violated me is upset because I ended it. A friend said to me, thats like caring that a man can no longer rape you.

What I gave him in the end is what he deserved. Isnt strange with these disordered types that we have to end it by SILENCE that is our ONLY method and ONLY way to say: I AM DONE, I am removing myself from your sick sphere of influence. I have accepted that there never was a relationship go take your act somewhere else. I am sure he wont really realize for a couple months that I WILL NEVER NEVER call him again, "oh she will call, give her a few weeks". I just need to hang in there and address in myself the unhealthy reasons I even had contact with this freak. Now its no longer about HIM, its about ME.

Feb 7 - 8PM
betty2020
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There is an adjustment

There is an adjustment period after we exit that takes some time to break old patterns and behaviors from our past. For sometime this person and your life with him was routine. It may have been crazy, but it was routine. We have developed these patterns and behaviors based on what we needed to cope survive in the relationship. Maybe one of the habits was obsessing over his whereabouts, Obsessively checking your phone, Stalking or snooping behaviors, etc... The bottom line is that we did not learn these behaviors over night. We were conditioned over time based on the emotionally abusive relationship we were in. It is part of the wall of defense we put up. It takes time to let go of these behaviors. I still looked at his facebook for months after. (yes, i was a fb stalker...). Its all a part of the process of letting go. Ultimately we all must let go. We can not continue to allow them to control our brains long distance. It puts our lives on hold and hinders our recovery. When you come to this realization that you are never going to have the "type" of relationship that is normal, healthy or sane, and you fully commit to accepting this is your ultimate reality, you begin the process of letting go. There lives no longer hold the power they once did in your mind. It takes time, everyone is different. Some let go immediately and others can take months or years. But in the end, this is what we all must do in order to have true freedom. Although silence is a powerful tool, it is never used against the narc to teach him a lesson or scold him. It is gift to you from yourself as you are making the transition towards reclaiming your life. It is for you to give yourself back the pride and self esteem that you once had and was stripped of while in this toxic relationship. Permanent Silence is our empowerment. In the end, its our final step in letting go forever. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Feb 7 - 8PM (Reply to #53)
neverlookback
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It is gift to you from yourself

I see that now very clearly, NC is going to save me in the end. Isnt it strange how in the beginning we are at the height of happiness with this person and in the end we feel pain we dont think we can get thru at times, they are extreme opposites. I never thought for one minute in the beginning this man would almost destroy me and I would have to fight to save myself in the end.
Feb 7 - 9PM (Reply to #55)
betty2020
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Oh i know to well how

Oh i know to well how intense the pain is in the end. So intense you are frozen and feel suspended in time. Noting in the world exist except this person in your mind. It controls every moment of your life in the beginning. But honey I can tell you one thing that is 100% fact. You will let go, you will get stronger, you are growing wiser with every tear you shed and every ache in your heart. What you will find on the other side of this will give you a whole new meaning of life, love and human kind. NLB his attempt to destroy you is now working the opposite effect. You are actually becoming more powerful thru the experience. It may not feel like this today but you will see when you get to a different place in the recovery process. Your a survivor today and becoming stronger and wiser everyday that you remain NC. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Feb 7 - 9PM (Reply to #54)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

NLB

I read something that struck me today. Someone wrote pray for pain when in a relationship with the N and the worse the better for it provides the motivation to leave the relationship. So true He was causing me so much pain I finally did something that I knew would get me a big time d and d and probably abandonment by calling him out on his lack of empathy and his match.com account which Im sure embarassed the crap out of him. I really think it was self preservation on my part. Though I couldnt bring myself to NC I think it was the innate sense of protection and self preservation that took over it was on auto pilot and subconscious
Feb 7 - 7PM
Happy1
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MsVulcan500 is right

I remember looking at my phone constantly as well. It is what we were trained to do. We were so attentive to them it's crazy. You are a free woman now and can put that silly phone down for hours at a time if you like and just be happy. 8-)
Feb 7 - 12AM
MsVulcan500
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Neverlookback,

You're still checking for messages because you were trained to do that! This is perfectly normal, and it will pass. Like Amazed said, he probably called or texted at inappropriate times, and you were trained to expect those messages from him. So now you keep checking, just in case, even though you know he can't reach you. I did the same thing. Kept my phone by my bed because I knew he would text me in the middle of the night. It took a while to get used to the phone not going off in the night, and now I don't even keep it in my room because I know it won't ring. You just need to retrain yourself, and it will happen pretty quickly.
Feb 7 - 9AM (Reply to #50)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

MsVulcan500

I did the same thing. Kept my phone by my bed because I knew he would text me in the middle of the night. Isnt it sometimes overwhelming to look back and see the unhealthy pattern we were trained to do? While we are with them we dont even realize all the unhealthy behavior patterns we are doing. Down deep I knew it was odd, wrong but I became so conditioned to it that it became a normal part of my life. There is NOTHING normal interacting with these individuals. I have been better these past few days, maybe every other day I check my phone,then I realize STOP IT, you changed your number he wont be calling you again, you are NOT missing HIM you are just getting rid of a patterns you had for so many years. You are right though it does go away pretty quickly. THose first few weeks are the hardest then it starts to subside. I often wonder if he misses the pattern he had calling and checking in with me,?? He misses the power it gave him more than anything but I cant forget I am just replaced with his other victims he does the same thing to. It took me so long to believe and accept he does the SAME thing to his other women, of course he does, this is what he does and he probably even has sex with them in the same manner more or less. He NEVER NEVER called me by my name, it was always hey baby, babycakes, he probably has quite a few women that check in with him on a daily basis so he has learned to not say names. THey are all his babies for what he wants. Its a whole new world when you go TOTAL NC you see things you never saw before and it makes me even want to further the NC more and and more. I have moments of some pretty terrible feelings but I work thru them and they pass.
Feb 2 - 10AM
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture

neverlookback

You really sound like you're in a great place mentally. You can't expect this whole experience to be totally pain free but I think you've got the right mind-set to push right through all of it. I'm in a similar place to you right now and I know that once I get through it, I will be okay.
Feb 2 - 11AM (Reply to #42)
neverlookback
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you're in a great place mentally -

Not as much as you think ABC, I have some trauma bonding to recover and work thru, cognative dis and healing from another human being seeing me as nothing but a whore. Even though I clearly know WHY he wanted me as that it STILL hurts like hell and I was really wounded very deeply.When I went TOTAL NC my silence told him I AM NOT A WHORE!!!!! That saved a little bit of my dignity, and just as my name says, I will neverlookback, I will leave this depraved sick man in my past for the rest of my life. It Does get better but you have to expect and know you will have some very hard moments, but the best part is knowing it will END as opposed to staying in contact with them the pain never ends. x0x0
Feb 4 - 7AM (Reply to #43)
onwithmylife
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nerverlookback

If it is any consolation, my EXNarc would throw out the words, whore, slut, cougar on the world wide web, WOW, what a title, I guess i am so busy chasing men that is why I have not slept with any one in over 2 years! It always amazes me how much more than know US than WE do, surprising isn't it???????????????
Feb 4 - 8AM (Reply to #44)
neverlookback
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I KNOW

we are the whores, and sluts yet I have not had sex for months and months and months while he is out there screwing everything he can, truth being HE IS THE WHORE. And even if I DID have sex it DOES NOT make me a slut, makes me human, but I am not interested in sex at this time in my life. HE KNOWS NOTHING about me and WHO I REALLY am only what his sick little mind wanted me to be.
Feb 6 - 7AM (Reply to #45)
onwithmylife
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nerverlookback

I remember that is what mariline said to me many months ago, the wonderful woman who lives in Italy i believe and Ihave not seen her post for some months now. THEY project all that they are onto us, he is the slut, whore, he was even screwing his third wife although he was living apart from her, and planning on a divorce, when we were going together. these men LOVE it when women battle for them UGH.....havingg sex does make us human and not nuns but their minds are so twisted they double standard everything and they can do whatever they want but not the little woman. My EXN had very old fashion weird standards of what women can and cannot do, like it was not ladylike to fart, but it was FINE for him!!EXCUSE ME
Feb 6 - 8AM (Reply to #46)
neverlookback
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I know, I hear ya

he was even screwing his third wife although he was living apart from her, You can count on them screwing almost every x that is in their life thats because there is really no such thing as an x in their lives, just women they have had in the past that gave them supply in one form or another. That is why they recycle their victims, but this is ONE victim he will NEVER recycle or call upon years from now he may think, boy I remember for FOUR years how she really loved me and hung in there and tolerated all my abuse, ya I remember it too and I also remember discovering he is a psychopath - NO THANKS that is the LAST thing I want is a psychopath in my life. I hate to be nasty here but I would rather masturbate the rest of my life and be alone than to ever hook up with that sick bastard!!!!!
Feb 6 - 7PM (Reply to #48)
onwithmylife
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NEVERLOOKBACK

My sentiments EXACTLY.............
Feb 6 - 7PM (Reply to #47)
onwithmylife
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meverlookback

My sentiments EXACTLY.............
Feb 2 - 8AM
gettinbetter
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nlb

What was the catalyst that gave you the strength to go completely NC? I tried so many times and failed finally he went nc with me and honestly I thank God he did but was there any one thing that made you say today is the day absolutely unequivocably NO MORE!?????
Feb 2 - 9AM (Reply to #39)
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

SIMPLE

For the health of my mental well being mostly. It was totally destructive to my life I had to save myself. What he had tried to turn me into was NOT what I was. i had to totally accept the illusion he kept me in was something only in MY MIND that I kept alive, there was NEVER a relationship and there never was going to be a relationship that was healthy. You have to KNOW in your heart and mind it was nothing you ever did that made it turn out like this, you were a victim of their mental disorder, no more and no less. x0x0x0
Feb 2 - 10AM (Reply to #40)
gettinbetter
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But I had come to that

But I had come to that conclusion long ago yet I still engaged it was and still is a compulsive urge. I just always wonder what it is that different what makes the end the end ya know? I know in my case the last time with the N and the last time I saw him it was different I knew it was when I left him that night I knew it was over and only a few weeks later I met my husband but this time I don't know??we don't speak and haven't for 4 months yet he is still in my head
Feb 1 - 10PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Neverlookback,,those "habits" will be there for about 4 months

These habits, and patterns are common and rationalized "relationship up keep" and maintenance behavior we begin to get trained in when dealing with a psychopath/n relationship... Chances are, they started this awful pattern in you in the first place... Did they text you at unusual hours? Early am? Late night, when you suppose to be sleeping? While you are suppose to be concentrating at work? They know ALL the positive patterns in you to break, to make them king,,, Get the f out of those bad patterns. Don't let that crap control you. You will "miss it" at first,,, Then you will realize how grateful you are that it is gone..
Feb 2 - 7AM (Reply to #37)
neverlookback
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These habits, and patterns are common

they started this awful pattern in you in the first place... yes I see what he did more clearly from your outline. Many times he would start my day off early with a call sometimes as early as 7am and late at night - to ruin my whole day and night so I could not sleep. I know breaking this sick pattern he had me in is going to be uncomfortable at times but I do notice it comes and goes pretty quickly at different times of the day. I dont break down and cry hysterically over it, I was REALLY ready for this. What I do remember the most is his sick little voice on the other end saying vile things to me. He truly enjoyed toying and tormenting me or he would not have done it for so many years. Now I took that away from him he can go amuse himself with his other victims. I am already grateful he is gone, I see how unhealthy he kept me.
Feb 1 - 10PM (Reply to #36)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Remember,,they do all this to break you down,,

All the confusion, the interruption of your day, the miscommunication, the word salad, the constant feeling that "something just isn't right".. All these things, the N did on purpose, to break you down, see you suffer. They are evil, stay away...
Feb 1 - 7PM
iAmMINE
iAmMINE's picture

as confusing and painful as this is....

you've got it pegged perfectly! NC

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

Feb 7 - 9PM (Reply to #34)
nancyh
nancyh's picture

Reading this is exactly what

Reading this is exactly what I needed right now. 40+ days no contact & doing pretty good. He ramped up the "Hoovering" so he's been on my mind. Screw him.

Nan

Feb 1 - 10PM (Reply to #33)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

That is right,,, no NOTHING

No eye contact No texting No emailing No response No notice No shock No happiness or sadness about them No conversation No discussion Nothing. Purely nothing.
Jan 31 - 3PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Good for you!

To use a narc quote "what's done is done, why continue to live in the past?" Not that I approve of such simplistic reasoning to deal with emotional pain, but in your case you can definitely use it to your advantage. There really is no good to gain from beating yourself up for the depravities you willingly experienced through coercion by your N. You know better now and that is all that matters as you move away from his sick influence in your life. I am proud of you for making the decision to go NC. Caring about his reaction to this is quite normal and from what I've read that is merely one symptom of trauma bonding. You will stop caring one day and be totally free. You are on your way now at long last to where you will truly never need to look back, at least not for the same reasons you have in the past. Journey on...

Journey on...

Jan 31 - 1PM
gettinbetter
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Well that's an easy one

Well that's an easy one that's because there is no head LOL just the shell of one inside that is completely hollow Oops posted under wrong thread
Jan 31 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Good for you. It will be a

Good for you. It will be a roller coaster for a while. Just stay the course and you'll be free. Hugs Idealk
Jan 31 - 8AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

nerverlookback

You are ONE~STRONG woman, YOU ended it, way to go, it is just going to take time to decompress, sorta like a diver coming up slowly so he won't get the bends. It is all so crazy, weird, strange how these abnormal men operate that it does take a long time to process everything but with your strength and the realization it is now about YOU, you have made leaps and bounds compared to where I was, but I was dumped so you have the power in your hands,give yourself time to recover, you know it is a long, slow process............
Jan 31 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
neverlookback
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DUMPED

I was dumped also sweetie, from the first hello I was dumped!!!! just didnt realize it. He never wanted a life with me, it was ALL LIES to just lure me, to see if he could brainwash me into participating in his sick sexual pleasures. That is ALL he wanted me for. When someone is "dumped" it means we cease to have value in that persons life, we are no longer wanted, what kind of value do you think I felt I had from this man only wanting this from me? He slowly dumped everything IN ME, treated me like a whore and dumped me to the curb for 4 years. If its any consolation I would have been dumped or he called it snubbed, if I HAD given in to what he wanted, I was a challenge to him to see if he could get me to do what he wanted, and that is the ONLY reason he stayed in contact. What a high for him to take down a woman like myself to his level of depravity. Toward the end Guess how many times he saw me in a given year? TWICE!!!!! And that was only to inject me with his toxic charm to keep me strung along and you KNOW the spell they can put you under when you are in their presence. Then came the promises again, and more LIES LIES LIES. I meant NOTHING to him only the hope for what he put his mask on for. This was a really depraved individual, EVIL to the core in his pursuit of me and the reasons behind it. I know my life will get better each day but he did some nasty damage to me mentally.
Jan 31 - 8AM (Reply to #5)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

The mental damage is

The mental damage is unbelieveable. I haven't spoken to or heard a word from the man in 4 months yet I spent the entire day yesterday panic stricken that he is gonna do something to ruin me. Good for you neverlookback there is more to life than checking your phone constantly to see if the leech needs to suck anymore blood from you