I'm curious....

Wow, thank you so much. It's so comforting, to feel that someone understands. It really means a lot to me. I've been feeling so alone, this is so hard. He told me the same exact things about her after I found out and she'd tossed him out. He said they'd been living as roomates for years, that she didn't know or understand him at all, that there was no sexual connection- mostly because she was "prim" and "uptight", he said he couldn't even watch a movie that had sexual themes with her because she'd act so disgusted and put off. He said he'd stayed for the kids, and because it was what "everyone wanted him to do." Bullshit. He'd have stayed always if she'd allowed that to happen. He'd had it made. I believed he slowly conditioned her attitude about his "space" and "freedom" to suit his desire to have her and also do whatever the hell he wanted behind her back. She told me she'd suspected he'd slept with her best friend years back, just a feeling. I think she'd been right on too because he'd dropped that same woman's name with me a few times, talking about "how great her tits were" etc. Barf. They'll say anything, nothing is off limits, as long as they can have their cake, eat it too, and get off on the thrill of getting over on all who remain in the dark. It makes me sick thinking about it =/ Expressing this definitely helped me put things back into proper perspective. Whew.

Helldweller, I just reread your post, it makes even more sense now. People will often see what they want to see and eclipse the trouble in the backround. I did too. Something brought me here though. It took me awhile but I was pulled in this direction. Long before I found this place, I knew something was so very wrong though. With the circular thinking, the traps he'd set with the holes he'd leave in his logic, the anger I sensed in this "mellow" guy, just below the surface. I always seemed to have this knot in my stomach, in the months leading up to when I found out. But it didn't click into place to form a complete picture until I found you guys.

I'm not trying to be disrespectful. She was his wife, I was not part of their marriage, I know. I only know what she chose to share with me and still, I was not there. I realize that. She and I spoke a lot though. Some of the phone conversations were hours long. I liked her, she spoke candidly and I sensed that she was being pretty straight with me. She told me, why bother talking to each other about this otherwise. And no one really understood at that point but us. About how it felt, what was going on. Really, I brought this up because yesterday my mind was playing tricks on me a bit I guess. Maybe it's part of the healing process but sometimes I'll start thinking; -maybe if I'd really fully forgiven him and not given him soooo much grief...maybe if I'd challenged him less on his behavior and just focused on our positive interaction, had fun instead, maybe it would've been a different experience- I loved the guy so much. I miss him. But then I have to remind myself that his wife seemed to have gone that route. She told me that she so wanted to be the cool wife. That she avoided conflict, so they rarely argued. She never asked him where he'd been, didn't snoop or check up on him, let the little things go. She felt every man needed some amount of freedom, space. (Like...bottom line, he was a good husband, good man, good to her, so- live and let live to live as one.) But he still shat on her. Cheated, lied, took advantage of her attitude and her trust. Put her weight down, this woman who'd given him two great kids. It's crazy, before I'd met her on that awful day, she was in shock on the phone and telling me oh my God, great. This is at least partially because of the weight. But the woman I met at the restaurant an hour later was a size 8, max. Nowhere near what I'd consider heavy. But obviously believed she was. So, either way I guess in the end it's all the same with these guys. No matter how agreeable, mellow, positive, etc. =/

non-confrontational, accepting, easy-going, trusting and forever nurturing. I had a totally different experience.

their relationship was pretty close to ideal. Not even any problems to speak of, only a couple storms they weathered and always managed to make it through. She supported him completely, loved him totally, she told me she'd chosen very carefully.